Can you advice me please?

Question

My husband who cheated on me said that either we move forward or go our separate way. He made a new commitment by saying that he has stopped all communication with the other women and will not entertain my questioning him about the affair any more. I cannot get over it and still feel very hurt. He will be cold and answered my questioning harshly by saying I am not going to tell you anything of the past. Why can't he be open and tell me the whole truth.??? I am so hurt and depress everyday

Answer 1

LEAVE HIM he disrespected you in one of the worse ways and is still disrespecting you by not allowing you to vent and not allowing you to heal he is telling you that your feelings are not worth the effort by telling you he is not going to tell you anything that happened in the past

yes i could understand saying that if it happened 10 year ago but with in the last 2 years fess up to it all or get out

Answer 2

Speaking from experience things are not as he says they are. If you can't let this go then there is a reason for it. Follow your first mind. Listen to that little voice at the back of your head. If things are over then he shouldn't have any problem telling you what went on with the other woman. But if you are being a nag about the whole thing then he has a reason for being so cold. If you are going to stay in the relationship then give him some space and in his own time he will come around and tell you himself what went on. May be days, weeks or even years you should give it time. I know its hard because your trust has completely destroyed. This is something you should tell your husband. Let him know that he isn't the victim in this horror story, you are. Yes, he owned up to the affair but for him to try to make you feel that you are the villain this is not right. Get over the hurt and GET MAD!!!! Ask how he would feel if you did it to him. I can reassure you, you would be in divorce court instead of writing this question on the net.

Answer 3

Please don't be mad at what i'm about to say, but you want advice and i'm going to give you mine. You have every right, to want to talk about his affairs and if he was truly going to stop communication with these other "women", he should have no problem talking about it openly with you, that's the only way, you'll be able to start the healing process. How dare him act like this is no big deal, if the situation were reversed, he would'nt let you live it down. Considering that you put "women" and not "woman", it's obvious he's cheated on you more than once and I would be willing to bet, his womanizing will start right back up, the minute he has you believing, that the cheating has stopped. You deserve so much more, why would you want a man, who is sharing his body with other women and then coming home and getting in bed with you, that alone, should be a turn off. It seems like you love him, but does he love you enough, to stop this cheating or are you just a wife, that's there to clean and cook for him? You are not a rug, that he can just walk all over, but if you allow him to treat you like one, he will. Listen to me, there are too many diseases out there, this is your life he's toying with, all it takes, is for him to have an affair, with the wrong individual and he could end up catching something, that he can't get rid of and pass it to you! In my opinion, I would do 2 things, I would get myself tested and I would leave him! Once a cheater, always a cheater, if he has'nt changed now, he's not going to! Stop worrying about him, take control of your life, you deserve so much better, I wish you all the luck!

Answer 4

You say that he told you that the relationship with the other women is over. It may be over but not by his choice. He seems harsh an not sorry for what he did. It seems more like he is bitter about other things. Someone who has had an affair, and is sorry about it may not want to talk about, because they may be feeling guilty. They may be mad because it is over. He said either you two move forward or go your separate way. This from the one who had the affair. If he truly wanted to move on and he was sorry about what he did, he would be more understanding. He would try to make you understand that it won;t happen again. Making a relationship work is hard work in it self. It's even harder when you have had a affair. You definitely have to communicate with each other. He is going to have talk about things he may not want to talk about, to help get you where you need to be to make it work. He doesn't seem to want to do that. It seem that if your together your together and if your not your not. Which would suggest to me that if the situation is right he will do it again. I know you are hurt right now and you want to believe him and you want your marriage to work. You have got to deal with you first. If your husband is unwilling to work with you, there is nothing you can do about that. He has to change things within his self. If he wants the marriage to work he will have to do his part. You will have to do your part. It help sometimes if you give your mind a chance to think about other things. Go out have fun , talk to your friends about anything. Do something you have never done before. Write your thought down, its good therapy. You can look back on it in the future.

Answer 5

Oh I feel your hurt, and trust me when I say to you it will not go away... When your spouse does that it tears out your insides, and your heart feels like he ripped it out of your chest and stepped on it and then tried to put it back in and pretend everything is ok. Even if he were to answer all your questions it isn't going to make things better, trust me on that. I wanted all the details and I was given them, and I had nightmares. I am sorry to say but the only way to get over the hurt and the depression is to move forward. I stayed with my ex for a long time after I found out he cheated and I never trusted him,(with reason he never stopped cheating but lied) I felt like I was worthless, I was depressed, and miserable. Then all of a sudden I woke up and said I am not doing this anymore...Now I am married to the love of my life. You need to be in a relationship with someone you can trust, and you can't trust your husband... Good Luck

Answer 6

If you forgive him then that should be it. However...being fair to you. I can't imagine what you are going through right now and especially with a husband that cheated, who refuses to answer your questions. I believe that's the least he could do. Remind him and you remember you were not the one that went outside of the marriage..he was..I have to agree that you are giving him too much control..
At some point...if you are willing to forgive him..you should do just that and try to let the past be the past. I'm sure that's very difficult to do..Either you want the marriage to work or you don't..BUT why ask the questions that you may not want to know or hear? It may just make you hurt even more.
I do believe once a cheater always a cheater...
Get some counseling together but especially for yourself. Good luck!

Answer 7

He might have decided to move on, but it seems you have a hard time letting go. Answer this, can you forgive him and forget about what he did. If you can't your marriage is pretty much over. I can understand your position, because I guess you want to know the details and then be able to rant and rave at him a little which you're entitled but it seems like he predicted what you'd want and came up with his solution. He's been all cold and everything because he knows he's done something wrong and probably feels guilty too. It all boils down to you though, if you can't get past it and forgive him, get out of the marriage. Because his not wanting to talk about it is going to kill you. It will be hard for you to trust him again, respect him and basically not second guess him at every turn. You need to answer his ultimatum, are you for or against the marriage and working things out.

Answer 8

Stop asking him questions. It is like you keep sticking your hand in a fire and wonder why you keep getting burned.
Either you forgive him and put this in the past or you get rid of him and you start a new life.
You are dwelling on this so much that you are consuming all your energy and making him more distant.
It is ilke you are opening the door and kicking him out. If you heard all the details you would be more hurt. Learn to just let it go.

It is up to you now. I imagine you would lighten your load if you put your arms around him and say, ."I forgive you. I need to stop questioning you becuase this is tearing us apart. Lets start fresh honey.' Two things might happen, he might fall into your arms and you can have a good faithful life long love. or you will see him eventually repeat his bad behavior and have more affairs. If he never changes why would you want a cheater for a husband.
Don't you want happiness in life. Don't you deserve a man who is faithful?

It is up to you now.

Answer 9

If that is your wish and you really want to put yourself through that by knowing all of the details tell him so. When he says put it in the past and go on or go our separate ways agree with him and tell him what it will take for you to put it in the past. If you want to relive the events and that period of time and that will help you put it away then tell him so. If he refuses tell him that the rule cannot apply to both of you if both of you cannot get what you need to put it there and that you will have to go separate ways. Tell him onsided rules about violated trust is not validating nor will it assist in your recovery. You were not at fault for him having the affair and if he will not let you recover to the agreed, "lets put it behind us and go forward" then he will have to go by himself. It only makes fairness and sense. You should have as much opportunity from being violated as he has opportunity for forgiveness. Unconditional love is just that but when you violate the sanctaty of a committment both need recovery not just one and sometimes the mates recovery requirements are a form of punishment for the other. Plus he has to own up to all that was done and maybe that is enough to remember if the thoughts enter again. The solution is a good one as long as both are allowed the same space to recover and heal from the wounds that are open.

Answer 10

Do you realize you husband has turned this into something you are doing wrong. You have to stop questioning him, you have to stop feeling hurt, you cannot be upset, you do not get to be responded to decently. He is the one who was wrong, he is not entitled to make the rules here. He does not get to decide how you feel and get angry if you don't agree. He has you in a position where he is solely in charge, you don't get a say in it even though he was the cheater. He is a controlling cheater, I say move on, find someone who respects and loves you. You should be in charge now not feeling guilty over something he did. Sorry but I think he is a jerk and you can do much better, the least he could do is act repentant instead of justified. However, you do not need details, they can only hurt you. I think you should leave him.

Answer 11

In a perfect setting, you should be afforded the opportunity to ask questions and get answers. The trust between you has been violated and just because it's uncomfortable for him doesn't remove the fact that you are entitled to closure and the chance to process this. On the flip side, though, once you have your questions answered and have talked it through, there needs to come a point where the past is the past. Once you've attained closure and are able to forgive him, this topic can't be used as argument fodder or thrown back in his face. Set some rules about it.