I was 16 and my head was already messed up due to a family bereavement but somehow ( god knows how!) i manages to become involved with an older woman. It was a genuine friendship at first and then slowely became something more. The affair ran for about 18 months, she had kids and I became a friend of the family (BAD!). I left and went to uni and the relationship came to an end. I was given the cold treatment which was totally understandable. It is such a great shame as we are no longer friends and i am not in contact with the family and havent been for about 4 years. Now this is where i need the advice. I am best man for my mate next year and there is a good possiblity that she and her husband will be there. I don't know if i can handle seeing her again after all this time. I felt so much guilt and persicuted myself for so long , I dont want those negative vibes and feelings to flood back. I have done my best to move on but cant help but feel helpless in this situation. Any advice?
2006-07-01 05:22:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well you can't do anything. Im not going into detail on how morally wrong your situation is, but you just cna't do anything about it. It is over.
Simple - DO NOT approach her or speak to her, avoid her. TAKE a date to the wedding, so you are NOT available. Also, if she DOES approach you in private, simply say "that was a long time ago, but it was great seeing you". Hug her and walk away.
There ya go ;)
2006-07-01 05:27:05 · answer #1 · answered by Poestalker 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Think about it......if you were in her position, would you go near her? No. She'll steer clear and so will you. Focus on the wedding and on your best friend.
The fact is that you did something wrong......with HER help by the way (and she was older and should have known better than you)......anyway, you did something wrong, have done your best to become a better person in the meantime. Unfortunately, your past is a part of you and is something that has to be incorporated into your life. This is a situation that you are unfortunately stuck in. You probably will feel awkward and nervous and there's nothing you can do. REmember that you are a good person these days and that not repeating your mistakes is all you can ask from a person. You can't undo what's done, so suck it up and get through it. You were only 16, practically a child, and she is more repsonsible than you were. Perhaps she wont' even go. Go to the wedding, you have to do your duty to your friend. 4 years have passed and it is behind you. You can go there and act as if nothing ever happened......even if you ARE "acting". There is no magic pill. Life sometimes has uncomfortable situations you must deal with. And most importantly, if she is nuts enough to try to talk to you, politely smile and walk away. Do NOT engage in conversaton of any kind.
2006-07-01 05:44:45 · answer #2 · answered by paintgirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are truly sorry for what you have done, ask God and the forgiveness he gives is complete.
Also, YOU were still a minor, SHE should not only have known better, but seriously abused her situation and yourself. What is the likelihood that you would have made a move on her if she had not made one on you? Exactly, it would have been an adolescent crush that you may have looked back on with the odd wince. Instead you have all this guilt and confusion. You were not the adult, she was. How can a responsible adult play with someone so vulnerable? No matter how mature you may have been, you were on the cusp of things emotionally, sexually and intellectually, and she would have been aware of this.
She gave you the cold shoulder? Why?: Because you dared to go to uni? I'm sorry, but you sound like a really nice and thoughtful guy, she sounds like a manipulative tart. She did cheat on her husband after all.
If I were you, not only would I chalk it up to experience, but I'd try and take away something nice from it as well, even if that is that you have learnt never to put yourself between a husband and wife again, or to not allow yourself to be manipulated.
Go to the wedding, you are best man, your friend needs you on this day, you are mature enough to handle it. Don't be swayed by any guilt you may have, or any she may try and make you feel. WHATEVER HAPPENS, whether she has told her husband or not, if she or anyone else, (even your voice within) starts pointing the finger at you, be resolute, say "I regret what happened, but she was an adult who abused her position. I'm sorry for any pain I caused, but I was just 16.
The chances are no one, even she, will say anything. Just don't approach her, if they talk to you, be civil and get away from them as soon as you can. I hope it goes okay, oh yes, and try to find yourself a nice girl who will not manipulate you.
2006-07-01 05:33:24 · answer #3 · answered by Tefi 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel that you are worrying unnecessarily.
Firstly she was older than you and secondly married and I am sure that she knew that the relationship would have to end sometime or other.
You are either going to find that by now she has had possibly at least three more relationships, more in love with her husband than she ever was or that she is possibly divorced.
The cold shoulder treatment was unnecessary but woman have egos as well as men do and most probably with a problem in her marriage at the time as why other than that would she be having affairs her line to sex without detection had been broken so understand she was peeved.
Go to the wedding enjoy yourself and if she is there she will welcome you has a happy ex lover and no more.
Good luck and enjoy the wedding there is nothing to feel bad about.
2006-07-01 05:42:58 · answer #4 · answered by diana h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOU were a child and YOU feel guilty???
I really think that you are being to hard on yourself, at the time of this affair you were young and emotional fragile, this woman should NEVER have seen you as anything more, never.
When you go to the wedding make sure that you make the minimum amount of conversation with this woman, avoid being alone with her and her husband, and don't get drawn in by her.
Like another person said take a date, this way you can send out the right message to her.
DON'T blame yourself, yes an affair isn't the best thing to do but i really don't think you were mature enough to understand this.
2006-07-01 06:55:45 · answer #5 · answered by JennyPenny 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop persecuting yourself for something that happened years ago. There was worse things you could of done. We're all human and we all make our share of mistakes. As a wise person once said, we're not going to live long enough to make all the mistakes in the world by ourselves.
Go the wedding and if you should see this woman, smile and/or nod your head at her and go about your business. You're not that 16 year old kid anymore, you are now a young man and it doesn't matter what she thinks, things happened, you moved on, made something of yourself and no hard feelings. Leave what happened in the past where it belongs and live for today.
2006-07-01 06:13:52 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to call her and see if she will agree to meet you for a cup of coffee so you can talk. Ask her is she is going to the wedding and explain to her that you think it might be awkward for the two of you to meet there after all this time. I'm sure she will be just as worried as you so chances are she will agree to meet up with you and talk about this. Chances are when you meet again you will be able to laugh about the past and remain friends.
2006-07-05 11:55:14 · answer #7 · answered by IC 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if it was me i would pretend i was ill with a bug or something,if you decide to go dont let her get to you because there is always someone better out there,in time you will meet you soul mate,remember that this women is much older than you,if she does speak to you be nice and pretend you are with someone else and happy good luck if i was there i would say that you were mine chloex
2006-07-01 05:59:34 · answer #8 · answered by theblackwitch 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think the only way you can get over this is if you go ahead and go to the wedding (you dont want to let your friend down) and face it, it happens, its in the past, you made a mistake. and to be fair she was the one who should feel bad, she was the one with the family, not you. you dont need to feel bad.Good Luck!
2006-07-01 05:46:04 · answer #9 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you feel that bad about it - make up a good excuse not to go to the wedding eg. fake an illness
2006-07-01 05:26:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋