My future Mother in law says hurtful things to me?

Question

My fiance''s mother is usually a really nice person. She told me before she likes me a lot and I like her as well. My boyfriend has 2 kids from previous marriage and I have no kids.

In the last couple of weeks or so, the future mother in law has been really annoying, telling me (when we are alone) things like: If you have a baby then you will not be able to go out anymore" and "your life will be a mess if you have a baby" "you cannot afford to have another baby"..and more. At first I ignored it but after a while it 'got to me' because I really want to have kids once we get married. On top of that we both work and have good salaries and we can afford a larger family.

My boyfriend and his mom are very close and he tells her EVERYTHING. It makes me really sad to think that there might be a corner in his heart where he agrees with her 'anti babies' campaign. What should I do to stop her from thinking that?

Answer 1

There's not much that you can do to stop her from thinking what she feels. Don't try.

You need to engage both your fiance and his mother in conversation at the same time. Be candid and honest. Explain how you feel about having more children. Explain the damage that your fiance's mother is doing with her unsolicited comments.

You need to find out if your fiance agrees with your wishes of having children or not. That's not something that you can afford to discover after the wedding.

If there is *any* hesitation on his part then he doesn't want more children. If that's the case then your wishes are incompatible and the marriage is destined to failure.

I wish you luck.

Answer 2

Have you and him talk about kids before ? He could figure that, since he has two then thats all he needs. It's understandable for the spouse/soon to be spouse stay close to his/her parents. But they don't need to poke their nose in other people affairs either.
His mother is trying to give ya some advice. But either you can listen to it, or let it go one ear and out the other.
I like my hubby mother, at first too she try to give advice when we didn't ask for it. Then again, sometimes I need to hear it from her. Cause Iam away from my family, and she is as close to a mother I can get to now.
Yes, not all mother in laws are so sweet, and nice like apple pie. But hey they come with the package as well. Like it or not, we women and men are stuck with them. He could feel the same way about it too. If you and him switch places, and it was your mother telling him that.
Just because you have a baby, don't mean the house becomes a prison cell. You can go out and do some shopping. Even with the kid/kids. Instead of two, it three, four, five, and so on.
I can see her saying why life would be a mess some what. Now if you don't have the money, the room, strong relationship, and etc.
But since you said both works, the money coming in good, and if ya'll have enuf rooms to fill them up with. Then who cares, make babies and be happy. You are going to marry him, not his mother. The main thing is, between you and him.
Talk things out, and explain how having children makes ya'll feel. Instead of him talking to his mother about it. He needs to talk to you. You are going to be he soon to be wife.

Answer 3

You must be sure that you and your fiancee have an understanding about children BEFORE you get married. Of course, people can change; but you need to talk to him about it. It doesn't really matter what his mother wants you to do. It's up to the two of you.
But I would caution you that when you get married, give the kids time to adjust to the new marriage before you start having kids. I know for me personally, when my dad got remarried and began having kids right away, it was very hurtful to us, his first set of kids.

Lastly, make sure your boyfriend is not a "mama's boy" BEFORE you get married.
Good luck to you!

Answer 4

She has no right to tell you can or not, should or not have a baby. You are starting a family, it is your life, it is your baby. Unless she sees some major reason (if there is big reason, then it should be considered such as financial ability, how your relationship is with your husband is etc.) But as far as everything is ok, she should butt off. You can bravely tell her I want baby, we talked about it and we want baby. You should communicate with your husband about this. If he is somewhat influenced by his mother not to have a baby then you guys do not have same goals in life. If he cares for you and you guys are on the same page, maybe he can mention to his mom not to bring it up again to you guys.

Answer 5

Well, you have got to ask her why she thinks this. And ask him if he wants to have kids with you - some day. Get it out in the open my Gosh before you walk down that aisle. It won't get better after the wedding if things are already heating up. Just ask point blank as nicely as you can - I know it won't be easy. Ask her why she doesn't seem to want anymore grandchildre or why she says you should not have children. Maybe there's something about her son that she is trying to warn you about??? But can't outright break his trust. Best of luck!

Answer 6

It sounds like she feels you were alright as a girlfriend but not as a wife....she maybe has some pre-wedding jitters going on, it is possible, but it's not her wedding it's yours.

I agree that it's important to talk with your boyfriend and see where he stands. Obviously you don't want to start a rift between mama and baby boy there, but he's supposed to leave his mommy and cling to his wife so he needs to back you up on this...if he can't stand up for you in this he'll never stand up for you anywhere!

If he has it together he'll affirm to his mom he loves her and that if she loves him she'll support him by loving and supporting you...it's that simple, and if he can't do that....then I'm sorry but I think you'll be sorry later.

I wish you the best of luck and a happy future.

Answer 7

Oh boy. You know, this one is really a challenge. She is going to be there forever. You really have to consider if this is something you are willing to take on. Your husband has to stop being a mama'a boy and start being your man. When he marries you , he takes on having a family of his own and needs to start putting you first. If he is not willing to do this, you guys are going to have trouble. My ex-husband would not deal with his mother meddling in our lives, and so I finally went over one night and set the record straight for her. For 16 years we did not get along. We all grow up and make our own lives and must be left to make our own decisions on how to live them, mistakes and all. Im sure she's made plenty of her own.

Answer 8

Talk to your boyfriend. If he's close to his mother, it's important that you don't try to pull them apart, but that shouldn't stop you from being honest with him about the stuff she is saying to you. It sounds like something you need to work out... and it's really not up to her to decide whether or not you should have kids... that's between you and your boyfriend. Good luck.

Answer 9

Sit the bf down and talk with him about your future family NOW before you become comitted in a marriage. And for the record, kids do complicate your life; but its really not her business. It's your bf's business to correct his mom. Or you can just say to her.."thanks for the advice. I'll know just who to come to when I need more."

Answer 10

I would talk to him and see where he stands on the situation.. Your mother in law may be just concerned and not realizing what the things she is saying sounds like when they come out..
I would sit down with your fiance and open up to him..