Help..........................?

Question

Looking for some funny jokes people. Please make me laugh!

Answer 1

what do you call a mexican who flies a plane

Answer 2

There was a leprachan out in the woods on the rough of a golf course and he gets knocked unconscious by a golf ball. A few minutes later he is revived by the golfer that hit the ball.

"OK, you got me", said the leprachan. "what are your 3 wishes"?

"Wishes? I am just glad that you are alright", said the man and he took his drop and walked away.

The leprachan was amazed, "Why thats the finest man I've ever to have been meeting. I am going to give him 3 wishes, the 3 every man wants; a good golf game, lots of money and a great sex life."

About a year later the leprachan was sitting on a stupm in the same woods and a golf ball rolls up to his foot. The man coming after it was the same man that had hit him a year previous.

"Do you be remembering me", asked the leprachan?

"Why yes", said the man. "You are the short man that I hit with my golfball lastyear. Are you OK"?

"Oh I am fine, fine", replied the leprachan. " But tell me something, how is your golf game"?

"Well for the last year, I have been a scratch golfer. This is the first time I have been in the rough".

"And how are you set for money"?

"It's the darndest thing", the man replied. "Everytime I reach in my pocket, I pull out a $100 bill".

"That's fine, fine", said the leprachan. "How is your sex life?

"Oh, once or twice a week" said the man.

"Thats not very good" said the leprachan.

"For a Priest in a small parrish, it's great"!

Answer 3

The Test
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Answer 4

The worst one I ever heard:

?: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a dog?

A: Pooched eggs.

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?: What's the German word for constipation?

A: "Farfrompoopin'"

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?: If it takes a chicken and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half, how long would it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

A: (Best so far) Seeds don't have pickles!

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An old Sophie Tucker joke:

I was talking to my boyfriend Ernie the other night and he says to me, he says: "Soph?" (he always calls me Soph) "When I am 80 years old, I'm gonna marry me a 20-year-old woman. What do you think of that!?"

So, I says to him, I says, "Ernie, when ** I ** am 80 years old, I'm gonna marry me a 20-year-old man!"

"And let me tell you something, Ernie: 20 goes into 80 a helluva lot more than 80 goes into 20!!!!"

Answer 5

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn't notice a train coming down the tracks.

As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it's head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.

The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

Answer 6

THE FIRST ANNUAL "DUH" AWARDS


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, Vice President

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Dan Quayle, VP

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
- Dan Quayle, VP

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself.
It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
- Dan Quayle, VP

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Answer 7

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she
stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the
sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I
am?""About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling
really happy.After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order
taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29.""I am actually
47!" she said, feeling really good.While standing at the bus stop she asked
an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight
is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age
. If I put my hand down your shirt I will be able to tell your exact age.
"There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him
slip his hand down her shirt.After feeling around for a while, the old man
said, "OK, You are 47."Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did
you do that?"The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
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Answer 8

I'm not much of a comic when i try to be, but here it goes.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they come across a wizard.
Wizard: "You two are the first animals I have seen, so I will grant you each three wishes."
The bear goes first, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female."
Rabbit: "I wish i had a motercycle."
The bear thinks that's a waste, you can buy a motercycle.
Bear: "I wish all of the bears in this country were female."
Rabbit: "I wish I had a helmet."
Again, the bear thinks this is stupid, just go buy the helmet!
Bear: "I wish all of the bears in the world were female."
Then, the rabbit gets on his motercycle, puts on his helmet. Just as he's about to leave, he uses his last wish.
Rabbit: "I wish the bear was gay." And he speeds off on his motercycle.

Answer 9

A young boy was playing with his choo choo train in the living room, while his mother was doing the dishes in the kitchen.
After a few moments the mother then decided to go check on her son. Upon entering the living room she heard her son say, "Okay now all you sons of b!+(#es get of my F-ing train."
Horrified the mother sent her son to his room. "We do not use that kind of language in this house. You stay in there for 2 hours and think about what you've done."
2 hours later the boy was released and he returned to playing with the trains in the living room. The mother over heard him saying "Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you enjoyed your trip. Those of you who are just joining us, we are sorry for the 2 hour delay... You can thank the ***** in the kitchen for that" .......

Answer 10

someone had a funny joke on here but I don't know who it was. It went like this a man had invited his friend from Africa over to his house to visit. He brought a gun out and asked his friend if he'd want to play a game with him, the African replied how does the game go. The man said you put a bullet in the gun, put the gun to your head and hope not to shot your brains out. The African replied, that sounds like a game we play in Africa, if you come to Africa look me up. You might want to play my game. Time went by and one day the man went to Africa, he look his friend up and went to visit him. The African told his friend let's go out back. When they went out back there were six naked women out there. The man replied whats going on and the African said they all want to give you ---- but the catch is one of them is a cannibal.

Answer 11

OMG!!! To Anne C. , I had that same dream once (Giant attacking Taco) after a busy week working a Taco Time! Weird!