How do I come out to a homophobic family?

Question

I am either gay or bi not sure but I have a family who absolutely HATES gays. conservative catholics all the way. they always tell me they can't wait until i get married and have kids, but I think I'm possibly gay.

How do I come out to them? Once again, they HATE I'm talking about HATE gays. They don't even say gay, they spell it out. Please please help me. I am soo scared and hurt.

Thanks all WHO ACTUALLY ANSWERED IT CORRECTLY. Put a bullet through myself? be shunned? Hah, do you think being gay is something I choose? Do you think it's all about sex because it's not. Not even a 10th of it is about sex. To all you homophobes.. I dare you to try to be gay for just ONE DAY.. 24 hours. SAME SEX ONLY. you can't think of the opposite sex AT ALL. See if it works. It won't now will it? Do you think I could just one day try too look only at the opposite sex and have it work? NO. SADLY. I've tried to be straight. I'm not going to live a lie tho. I am who I am. you should be ashamed if you're a homohpobe. I believe Thou shal not judge is a bigger sin then thou shal not be gay. Hello.. half you guys are more sinful then people who just have a imbalance in their brain.

Oh and it's not about sex AT ALL. I don't think of guys and sex, because in all honesty I would prefer a girl over a guy sexually. it's about holding hands, and the smile, and laugh. It's something you can't control. If you think I want to life this lifestyle, you're wrong. it's not something i chose, and i guess you have to be gay or bi to know that because obviously most straight ppl don't realize that. Gays aren't fags.. We're people who are trying so hard to get through life. You can't control your emotions, and you should know that.

Thank you so much Yahoo! for deleting those crude comments last night. Last night I cried until 3:48, and had a suicide note written. Thankfully I erased it.

Thanks for the help you guys.

Answer 1

Tough one...really tough one...I had to google "homosexual support groups"
I'd recommend www.gaycenter.org OR since your parents are Catholic you could also visit:
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_rom2.htm

http://ministry.udayton.edu/diverse/bglad_group.htm

http://www.colorado.edu/journals/standards/V5N2/AWARD/fiske.html (<--REALLY GOOD STORY/SUPPORT GROUP TO FIND)

Well, I grew up Catholic but to understanding parents. What your parents and family should come to realize and accept is that homosexuality has been a part of human history even in Biblical/Ancient times. Greek warriors united as brothers in arms...and I'm not talking weaponry here. In fact, they did not marry women until after they finished their services to the country if they DID marry at all. Research homosexuality or bisexuality in principles and history a bit more before going up against the family.

Telling your family that you think you are gay or bisexual may cause several things to happen all at once, and since you know your family the best, you may be able to come up with a shorter list than I of the possible reactions.

SO...if you think that they will react with violence and anger, with shouting and arguing heatedly, I'd call a priest and tell him what's going on OR call the cops and ask if they would mediate OR ask if a few of your supportive friends would stay with you while you break the news.

If you think that they are simply going to disown you and regard you as the black sheep of the family, then I'd prepare psychologically for this. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

If I were you, I'd join Cornerstone, a support group for people that are Catholic and gay/lesbian/bisexual...might really help you better than I can.

Answer 2

Son, there is no such thing as possibly Gay. If you are Gay, you would say I AM GAY and their would be no doubt about it.

My question is, what do you want to come of this announcment to your family when you aren't really sure what you want to announce is really true?

Pretty big downside for something you don't really know. What are you really after? Are you sure you aren't hoping you are gay so that you have something to shove into their faces?

What is it that you really want? What is it that you expect to come out of this that will make your life better?

Let's say, that either Tom or Ray Magliacci accidentally killed your brother by doing a bum brake job and your parents hated all mechanics now to the extent that they always carried side arms just on the off chance that they might run into a mechanic so they could shoot said greese monkey. Knowing this, if you had, say, fixed your friends bike once when you were fifteen, would you sit down at their table and say, "Mom, Dad, I'm a mechanic." What do you think would come of this?

Would you walk into a police station and tell them that you shot somebody just because you thought about murdering them once. What do you think would happen? Is it something that would make your life better?

What you propose doing makes no more sense than this.

I think you quite likely have other issues with your parents that cause you to think you are gay quite simply becuase they hate it so much. I suspect that if they hated cheese you might move to Wisconson. What's really going on here?

I keep asking that question, because you need to really think about this. What is really going on here?

Maybe, just maybe you might want to talk to a priest yourself, unless you really are gay and then you should probably go see a protestant minister instead.

Answer 3

You might be rebelling against their authority and views on things. Then again, I'm just guessing. I am a little confused as to why people are gay or bi in the first place. I mean I can't really understand it since by nature I am attracted to guys. I don't have problem with it tho.
You should just tell them and have somewhere to go if they kick you out. It's better than keeping it secret and having them find out on their own. It would be like you thought it was bad too, so you hid it from them. If you just come out and tell them, then it won't be as bad. They will probably not except you for a while. They might then just except it as a fact of life and get over it.

Answer 4

This is a hard one. I had a friend who told his family when he was 15, and his father kicked him out. Are you already on your own? If you are, there's still a lot to think about. If they really hate gay people as much as you say they do, they might very well shun you, deny you, ban you from the family. Is that something you can live with? Lay out your options-which is worse: living in a lie for your family? Or living the truth, but no longer have a family? It's a difficult decision to make. My grandma was like that, but when one of my family members came out, she was iffy for a while, and now she's pretty okay with it. (I have yet to tell her about me, but that's another story). It may turn out alright. While some of your family might stop speaking to you, others might accept it. It will take a while though. Just decide when is the right moment, but be prepared for rejection, and that's the hardest part.

Answer 5

Wait until you are old enough to move out if you have to. By the way, I'm a "conservative" Catholic who doesn't approve of the gay lifestyle BUT...my nephew recently came out and I'll tell you...I had a much more positive reaction than anyone thought! I don't have to approve of his lifestyle...that's between him and God. (No, I don't think he's going to hell....God has more important things to worry about.) Look at it this way: Would Jesus have shunned a gay disciple? Absolutely not!

You need to find a non-Catholic clergy person to talk to so you will stop beating yourself up. Just don't get "forced" into being gay by anyone. You sound like a teen. You don't have to make any decisions on your life right now; just let go and let God help guide you to YOUR path.

Peace and God Bless.

Answer 6

I'm am a total homophob to but ill try and tell you how i would like to be told by a friend or family member that they where gay.
Start with a nice dinner and then after dinner have a private conversation with the softer parent, (usaully the mother) and explain your situiation, If they can handle it maturally then tell the rest of the family starting with the oldest to the youngest. If they can't handle it, i'm sorry dude but there is a chance that your family will never speak to you again but you have to tell them cause if you dont it will be worse than telling them if they find out and they will find out.

Just make sure you are 100% sure or dare i say it try and change the desicion is up to you. Good Luck

Answer 7

I personally never came out to my folks b/c im bi & may still get married and have kids and if i choose a male partner then will be the time. but this is about you.


You need to systematically desesitize them. this has worked successfully with 3 of my friends in your sitcuation. Start small try going in this order:

say you have to do a research paper on gay marriage

Read Friendly Hostility(comic about a bi couple of bi sexuals and its hilarious)

mention a friend real or imaginary who is gay at school that did something interesting at the dinner table ( I was that friend)

when your family gets into a heated discussion about LGBT people, try being the voice of reason and defend gay people, this might be a little tricky if you havent been outed yet.

Bring home that gay friend mentioned earlier (as a friend and nothin else) and do something that str8 ppl do like watch a football game, study in the livingroom or kitchen. don't let your parents know he/she is gay and make them fall in love with him/her. Once they have left, tell your parents that he/she was that gay friend.

From here it should get easier.

Answer 8

You should tell your immidiate family first, so that when everybody else knows they don't have to deal with homophobia from everybody else and themselves at the same time. Even though they may not like it they have to understand that you are your own person, not just one of them. I am bi and many people in my family are homophobic, i guess it is a little hypocritical for me to be telling you to go through with it, since i've only hinted to my family that i'm bi, but serisously, it's a lot easier once you've told them, after i came out to the people i work with, they stopped making so many jokes and slurs, even though i know it took work.

it is easier once they know, and it will help you in the long run, and maybe they will eventually understand you. and that you're not all that different, you don't have a disease, and nobody forced you to become how you are.

it's just who you are.

they can't accept you if they don't know that there is something that they need to accept.

Answer 9

Hey,

I admire you. Comming out is a hard thing to do. My family wasn't all that keen on homosexuals prior to my coming out. I think it's because they didn't understand. I was really nervous, but I'd had a fight with my best friend about it and I was being blackmailed by another former friend, so I was unfortunately backed into a corner, and my only way out was to tell my parents. I'm glad I did as I got all the support I needed to make me feel happy again. For some reason I don't really talk about it with my parents often as I feel uncomfortable talking about anything sexual with them... but they've accepted me... and when I came out, my mum said she had an inkling that I was gay. It's hard coming out, but it's worth it. You said your family are catholics? well, you're their son, their flesh and blood, which I'm sure will out rank religion. They love you, they want what's best for you. They want you to be happy. They will understand when you come out. Just talk to them. The only thing that will change is that you wont have the heavy burden of a secret that you're affraid to tell. It feels great not to have that on my shoulders anymore.

Good luck, buddy. And if you ever need a chat or to talk, i'm just an email away :)

Nathan
[e-mail]

Answer 10

A big GAY musical with you as the main character.

Just kidding, you know, gay/straight/bi are just archetypes of ways of expressing your sexuality. It's just you expressing your sexuality in a way you desire to. So if you're into guys that's fine or if you're just into getting your dandies tickled that's fine as well, it doesn't mean you have to adhere to a certain lifestyle. Is your sibling's sexuality a part of what your family talks about? Is it really any of their business how you express yourself? You're just yourself and you're just your sexual self. Explore it more before you go off telling people you're gay/bi/straight, especially people that will immidately hate you the moment you tell them. Of course, if they do hate you then their love was only conditional anyway and who needs conditional love?

It's really none of their business where you put your thing or what you put into your body, do your siblings say things like, "I sucked tommies cock last night" and your parents say, "that's great hon just don't munch any carpet." If they don't, then hey nobodies asking so why say anything?