Am I wrong for this?

Question

I was engaged last year to an abusive man. He cheated on me and the relationship broke off. I was bitter for some time after, because when I left him I was about 3 months pregnant, too late for an abortion-in the state I live in-with nothing really to do. Since then, I've had a healthy baby boy, I'm in school, doing for myself. But I told him that I lost the baby months back-which he believed at first, because I'd had 3 previous miscarriages. But now he's surfaced again, showing up at my mother's house, and calling and emailing. I don't want him in my life, because I know how he is. He will try and take my son from me. He knows I had the baby, he's said as much, but he doesn't know where I am, where I'm going to school at-more importantly, he doesn't know where my son is. A family member of mine is raising him. Am I wrong to continue lying to him? Even if it's for my own safety, and my son's?

At first it was out of resentment, but then I looked back and realized all the things I went through with him, and the fact that IF he ever finds me he will take my son from me. I have pressed charges on him, twice, and because he's in the military, they let it slide. My claims never even made it to court! So the paperwork is there, but nothing ever happened.

Answer 1

I use to watch my mom get her *** kicked by my dad and it was horrible. Now I am a woman who has a man who does whatever I say never hit me or nothing been with him 10years. I won't have a man beat on me. So don't let ur child get in that situation that I am in now with my mom, I have no respect for men and I am hard on them because I seen what my dad did to her. She lives with me now cause her choices in men are bad, and I tell her keep them away from me. If you let him know where you live and let him know about that kid he probally will beat u for that so no don't bother, for ur kids sake.

Answer 2

Hi there!!! My husband is in the military and I know what you mean about things like what happened to you being blown off and ignored. It seems that many abusive and illegal acts go unreported because some commanders feel it's more important to keep a bad soldier than try to convince more people to enlist or commission. I'm not saying that they're all like that, but because of your experiences you have a right to protect yourself as well as your child. It seems that with all that's happened, you have thrived and are trying to do everything you can to keep your son safe... good for you. Know that even though your ex was never taken to court, you DID file the charges... So, if he EVER has a judge serve you to go to court, you have proof of his abusive behavior. I understand, however, that it's in your best interest (and your son's) that it not come to that, as some judges will give you custody but still might grant him some sort of visitation rights. I am not sure what you should do, but I have heard your story time and time again on news stories, etc. Don't take your chances!!! As long as you have reason to believe that your son is in danger, and that anything you do is in HIS best interest, you ARE protected by law no matter what anyone tries to tell you. If he knew you were pregnant and you had stayed with him, do you ever think that he would have beat you with child? You son is better off not being exposed to any type of abuse, wether it be against him, you, or both. Just because your ex was not brought to justice, does not mean he is innocent or that you are in the wrong. Don't lie, it is not in your best interest, just avoid him and ignore him, even if he claims to have changed his ways. You speak of your bitterness and spite towards his im the past tense, keep it that way and don't make any contact... let your family know about your fears and concerns... and PLEASE get a restraining order!!! If you have any reason to believe someone might betray you, don't give too many details... keep your son safe and be safe yourself... Good Luck and I wish the best for the two of you!!! Be strong!!!

Answer 3

Lying isn't going to help things and may well only anger him in the long run. If you don't want him involved with your son, tell him so in no uncertain terms.

If this guy is abusive, then call the police and report him! (It's not your fault, it's his!) Find out what your state's anti-stalking laws are, if they have any, and go to a lawyer for help interpreting them. Gather all the emails he's sent you, note every phone call he's made to you and/or your mother, and the times he's sited. Tell the family member raising your child that, if this guy is sited, to call the police immediately. Get the law involved at the earliest opportunity!

They are on your side, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time, and a lawyer or someone with proper legal experience will help you know which way to turn. Counseling and support groups can offer other assistance as well as advice from those who've been there.

Answer 4

No, you are not wrong. The man left and when he did he forfeited any claims he had as a parent, especially because of the way he treated you. He sounds dagerous and angry, and I would hide too. However, he may learn where your son is and bad things could happen. Have you considdered restraining orders? He has no legal right as a parent, and even if the court says he does your testimony to what he is like could very well take care of that. You are right to leave your son with a relative, he's likely to be safer, but I would worry more about you and your sons safety than whether or not is morally right to lie to the father. If he had been a responsible father in the first place, things might be different. I am 15 and my mother had my brother when she was in school. it was hard and nither of our fathers could care less if we are even alive, and in a way i am thankful. I think my father was wrong to leave my mother the way he did, and I have no sympathy, desire to meet him, and no hatred. Whats done is done and he got what he diserved, and in more issues than my birth. Love your son and do what you have to do to keep the two of you together, and do your best to be there for him. Your ex sounds pretty incapable of even that much. Good luck

Answer 5

You're not wrong at all. But I will tell you this if he can find proff that you had the baby than he might take you to court. I say before he finds out while he's calling your mom's house and showing up. Take someone that knows he was abusive to you to the police station make a couple reports, get an order of protection for you and your mother. Also talk to an lawyer. Most lawyers don't charge for consultation. Do whatever you can so he won't hurt you or you child.

Answer 6

I think lying isn't really the best course of action in any case - especially if he wants to be a man and help care for his son - and later on this could hurt your case for keeping your son if he claims you lied about him even being alive...but before you tell him the truth I'd get a lawyer's help so that you can't lose your son. Some women's and children's advocacy groups offer free counseling and legal counsel - seek one out that is close to you. Since you are going to school, living a good/clean life, and have help raising your son - with your lawyer's help there should be no way this man can walk into your life and remove your son. But maybe he can walk into your life and help pay for raising your son! :) If he ever hurts you or your son though - go to the police IMMEDIATELY and be sure there is a legal record (yes press charges) of any such incident so that later on he can't claim you were lying all along. I hope it works out for you in the best way possible! :)

Answer 7

Ask yourself this: Is he truly a danger to you or your son? If the answer is no, then he has a right to see his child and to be apart of the childs life. At one time or another you felt this man was good enough to have a child with. Every child deserves to have both of their parents love. He hurt you, I fully understand that, but you don't have the right to punish him or the child by keeping them apart. Your son will resent you for it later if you don't give him a chance to have a relationship with his father. I hate to drop a cliche on such a serious matter but the truth is "Two wrong's don't make a right"! Good luck to you. You have a huge decision to make that will affect the rest of your childs life. I read another question of yours that states you are a proud lesbian now. I have nothing against lesbians but that also might be very confusing for your son and he will need a males influence. Again if his father is not a danger to him, stop lying and let him see his son.

Answer 8

Well kinda because it is also his child, but then again no because you are looking out for the best interest of the child. Tell him that the baby isn't his that you cheated as well, but when you were together you didn't want him to know. If that doesn't work get a restraining order I mean really thats the least you can do for your boy.

Answer 9

Tough question. Nobody here will have the anwer, including me. My mother told her kids daily how bad our dad was, and 3 decades later, those words now sound like she was trying to convince herself more than us, but it certainly did brainwash us.

You have a lot of things to consider, and the biggest is safety. The next is: will he provide and protect. The next is a firm sense of love.

I am resentful about missing out on some of the things Dads do with their boys, even though every once in a while Mom would let us spend an afternoon at the park with Dad. To this day, I wouldn't know what direction to aim the disappointed stare.

Don't do that to your kids out of your resentment or spite for the dad, but definitely shield them from danger.

I f'ing hate both of my parents' "issues with each other" now, because of the crap that we grew up with, even though I know both of them [think they] love me/us kiddo's.

Ironically, now, we're taking care of them.

Answer 10

No not really. And as long as he doesn't take you to court to try to establish paternity and he's not on the birth certificate he has no legal rights to the child at all. Stay away, if he starts harassing you document everything. Every phone call, every visit, everything and if it gets scary to where you feel you or the child are in danger, file for an injunction (restraining order) that will protect you and usually your imediate family (including the child even if he's not named directly anywhere)

Answer 11

When it is for you and your child's safety, I believe that you can never be wrong. Get a restraining order, move, do whatever it takes to ensure you and your child's safety. Find comfort in your family, gain their support, because I have no doubt that this will be the roughest time of your life. If you are religious, pray and trust that whomever you believe in will work to your benefit. I pray for you and your son's sake that you will be courageous, and have the strength to endure this trial.