Should I tell????

Question

Should I tell my 6 and a half year old daughter who her daddy really is? She was the result of a rape and is now asking questions about her daddy. What do you all think and what would you do in my situation? I am 21.

I havent told her anything about how she created. I know she is to young. I already have wrote a letter about what happened to me and why I have the scars and all. But I dont plan on giving it to her until she is older and issue's come up in her life. I just wanted to know how I should go about telling her when she is older?

Answer 1

Tell her sometimes people do bad things and you don't know why. Tell her that even though something bad happened to you, God blessed you with a wonderful gift. Make sure you tell her that you love her with all your heart and even though there are bad people in this world, you will always love her.

Answer 2

This is a tough question, and frankly it is hard to say what the right thing is to do. I would strongly suggest that you do not tell her anything about a rape, for no matter how old she is this is going to make her feel really dirty, ashamed, unwanted, and may instill in her a certain animosity towards boys/men. She is ultimatly going to find out someday, be it from you or someone else, but for now, I would tell her that her father was killed in an accident or something before she was born, or that he died from an illness. If you tell her that he left, she will feel slighted, if you tell her that he was a "bad guy", that may do for now, but eventually she will want more information and when she is older may try to look him up, and that may not be the way you want her to find out the truth.
Honestly, you should be commended for keeping the child under the circumstances and your age at the time. No doubt that has been hard and that just may turn out to be the mitigating factor to your daughter when she reaches a level of maturity to understand that your love as a mother for her bears no resemblence to the manner of conception.
This is a very delicate situation you are faced with and this forum, while it provides some insight, this is one that really needs to be discussed with a professional. I would suggest that you make an appointment with a physcologist and discuss what your best course is on this. Your daughter may or may not handle this in a manner that is positive, and the last thing you want is to do is create any form of low self esteem, or lack of self respect. You are her mother and as a result, anyone that hurts you she will not like, compound that with the act of her conception and she is sure to feel like it is her fault. Convincing her otherwise is where the biggest challenge may lie. Especially true in her teenage years, so that, from a common sense perspective would be the worst time, equally during the formative years such as the present.
Most girls that conceive during a rape, usually abort the child or place the baby up for adoption, it is unusal for a girl to keep the child. I know that there is a book, I can't remember the name of it, that was written by the child born of a rape and her natural mothers struggle to keep the secret hidden. I remember a part of it where the child was eventually told when she was in college or just after and she went off the deep end; drugs, prostitution, etc...
I don't want to alarm you, but this story, non-fiction was incrediable in that the child came to realize how unimportant her conception really was and that her life and who she was turned out to be a reflection of how great a mom she had. I am sure if you ask at the library, or book store someone may be able to direct you to it.
Again, I admire what you overcame and that you choose life regardless of how it came to be. That says alot about your character, which I am sure will carry you and your daughter through this with the best outcome.

Respectfully,
Vickie

Answer 3

That is a tough one. First I would like to thank you for giving your baby life!!! You made a wise decision.
At six your girl probably doesn't need to know about the rape. You could start by giving her a physical description of him, and where he lives (somewhere in X state). If she asks about his character you could say he is not a very nice person and you don't like to be around him. I would keep things as general as you can. You could also start teaching her that sperm donor and daddy are not the same thing. Does she have a close relationship with a male family member (Grandfather or Uncle?). If she does you can hold them up as an example of a father figure so that she doesn't feel the need to have a relationship with the sperm donor (which probably wouldn't be safe or beneficial for her anyway).
I would be as truthful as you can without giving her more information than she, and you, are ready to have out in the open.

Answer 4

I think the most important thing you can teach your daughter at this early of an age is that the man who fathered her is missing out on a beautiful experience of knowing his daughter. I would be honest with her that her daddy is not in the picture but I don't think 6 years old is old enough to know the reasons behind it. Kids can be very satisfied with simple answers at this age. Why not say, "I know a lot of your friends have Mommies and Daddies but they don't have more love than you have." There is also a great children's book called "Love is a Family." I can't remember who the author is but it's about a single mother and her daughter and the questions the daughter has about why there is only the two of them in their family. Best of luck to both you and your daughter and you have my sincere admiration because you chose to do the adult thing and raise a child that was not conceived out of a loving situation rather than choosing to abort. I hope she brings you a lifetime of joy.

Answer 5

No, I would not suggest that. I think that she is way too young to find out, maybe 10 or older would be the appropriate age. If I were in your situation, I would tell my daughter that her daddy was not a nice man and I took her away so that we could be safe and happy. Tell her that you will tell her more later when she is older and can understand.

Answer 6

First off, thank you for "choosing" to let your little girl be born no matter how she was created! You are one courageous lady!

At this point, it may be best to give her the kind of answers that single mothers use when the father is no where to be found..."He has gone far away..."

If that answer is not good enough after a few years, perhaps sessions with a family counselor or a trusted clergy may be in order. To drop a bomb like that- no matter how old she is- will bring forth all kinds of issues and emotions that a trained professional can help you both walk through.

God bless!

Answer 7

I was wondering about this question too (similar situation, but had a miscarriage). I was thinking of making up some story of the daddy was in the army & died. But then I thought of if he/she asked for pictures, I wouldn't have any. So then I thought maybe I would tell a story of a one night stand. It may not sound like a responisible act, but then at least you could admit that you are not sure who the father is, & there is no way to find out. Maybe make a story of him sweeping you off of your feet, love at first sight, etc. Then maybe he went to the army? I know that this is not what really happened, but you probably don't want them to know the truth. Maybe talk to someone else about this (family / friend), & make sure they keep the "story" too, because I'm sure your daughter will ask them too.

Answer 8

You are such a brave woman and you have my utmost respect and admiration for raising your little girl in spite of the horrible circumstances of her conception.
I don't think it would do her any good to know this at this age and more chance that it will harm her. Just tell her that you don't know where her daddy is or how to contact him but point out how much you love her and how much she is loved by the other people in her life. Make sure she understands that her daddy is not in the picture due to no fault of hers at all.
If she has a father figure, grandfather, uncle, step-father, friend, whatever-- make it clear that the Daddy is who does the parenting, loving and caring and not who donated the sperm.
I will keep you in my prayers and again, you are quite a wonderful person!

Answer 9

Hey, I wouldnt tell her right now, atleast until she is old enough to understand. I have children none of which is the result of rape, but you could easily confuse her being at such a young age. If you never want her to know who he is, then tell her he passed away when she was born. Emphasize on how special the day was (her being born) and how much YOU love her, after all, you are the one that is going to have to be there for her thru the years.

Answer 10

If you think shes too young just tell her you will tell her when she's older you don't want to confuse her anyways she's six you'd have to explain rape anyways probably I say if you dont think she's ready tell her later or like someone else said ask your doctor for an age or what to tell her now. I dont think lyings the solution though but if your for it then do that (though she might find out and not be happy) tell her whenever you are ready not her.

Answer 11

I commend your bravery over what must have been a terrible occurence and even more so the decision you made.

I think at the moment she is quite young to fully understand. Plus as one answer said, this could very well affect your daughter even more and have a lasting affect on her confidence. Personally I would say that daddy isn't with us anymore, but mommy and grandma/grandpa loves you very very much.

Perhaps she will find out on her own when she is older. But it is her decision and hopefully she would understand whatever decision you took.

Good Luck!