gimme some jokes?

Question

my friend and i are bored, can u give me some hilarious jokes

Answer 1

Restroom

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

Answer 2

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-***?

Answer 3

The Crying Horse


One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

Answer 4

There was a young bull and an old bull on top of the hill. At the bottom of the hill were some cows. The young bull says, "Why don't we run down the hill and **** one of the cows?" The old bull just smiled and replied, "Why the rush, son? We can walk down the hill and **** them all!"

Answer 5

two penguins are sitting in a bath tube

one penguin says to the other " pass me the soap"

the other penguin says "what do i look like? a potato chip?!?"


it doesn't make sense, i know, that's why its funny
here's another

two muffins are sitting in the oven

one muffin turns to the other and says " damn its hot in here"

and the other muffin says "wow, a talking muffin!!!"

Answer 6

Found in a batheroom wall in Texas: Dont Sh!t here cause your a$$hole is in Washington D.C.

Answer 7

ya mama so nasty n greedy she put ice in her draws to keep the crabs fresh and milk in her shower cap so when she get out of the tub her frosted flakes will b soggy just the way she like it.

Answer 8

On a bathroom wall "Don't look here,the jokes in your hand"

Answer 9

Yo mama so fat when she walked in front of the tv i missed two episodes of springer.

Answer 10

Why did the duck cross the road?