Not to sound selfish, but can anybody give me the BEST joke you've EVER heard? The best one gets 10 points... And, please don't say, "Ha ha..thx for the 2 points.."
2006-06-30 17:04:02 · 9 answers · asked by Michelle 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Reasons why chocolate is better than sex
* You can GET chocolate.
* "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
* Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
* You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
* You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
* You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
* If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
* Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
* The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
* You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
* You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
* You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
* With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
* Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
* You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
* Good chocolate is easy to find.
* You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
* You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
* When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
* With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
2006-06-30 18:43:34 · answer #1 · answered by Woody 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A flight of 99 blondes and one brunette is having problems with turbulence. the pilot comes on the intercom and says that they are going to crash if they dont drop some of the plans weight. So first to go is all the luggage. The pilot gets back on the intercom and tells the passengers that they are still going to crash if they dont loose more weight so they have to drop the floor of the plane and eveyone has to hold on to the ceiling (i realize this makes no sense, but its the joke) so all the passengers hold on to the ceiling as the bottom of the plane drops off. After a little more flying the pilot gets on the intercom again and says that if one person could sacrafice their life then the plane would be able to land (or something) and eveyone else would be saved. The brunette is first ti pipe up, saying that she will die for all the beautiful blondes that are on the flight and let them go on with their lives. she give a big moving speech and at the end of it all the blondes are so moved that they just start clapping.
sry, that was dumb, but that all i got.
oh, but just an extra one
i read on a laffy taffy candy rapper.
what does a 500 pound parrot say
"TWEET!!!"
2006-07-01 01:18:44 · answer #2 · answered by mr monkeeman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
>> While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to
>> another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
>> Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
>> doing?"
>>
>> "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
>> "You gotta be kiddin' me."
>> "No, would you like to give it a try?"
>> Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
>> So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against
> it.
>>
>> With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
>> wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
>>
>> Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
>> handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened
>> to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When
>> he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
> sympathy,
>> walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,
>> "This ain't gonna be your day."
2006-07-01 00:36:50 · answer #3 · answered by nunovyorebiznis 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
Th e next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver
2006-07-07 11:05:10 · answer #4 · answered by -:¦:-SKY-:¦:- 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?", he asks.
"It's of a big rooster", she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for heavens sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"
2006-07-04 04:48:56 · answer #5 · answered by Wolfie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
one day, there was a boss of a multimillion dollar company,who was finding someone to be secretary,and his/her mind should be quick..
when the news spread,4 people applied for the job..
then the boss said to himself,"what would be a good question", and,"aha!"
the next day came and boss asked the applicants when i say "fast"
what first comes to your mind??
applicant1:a thought..
boss:good answer..
applicant2:a blink, like the saying "faster then the blink of an eye. .
applicant3:switches! because when you switch the lights on it turns on so quickly..
boss:how about you?
applicant4:diarrhea
boss:WTF!!
applicant4:sir because before i could think, before i could blink, before i could turn on the lights, my **** came out!!
2006-07-01 00:36:16 · answer #6 · answered by van 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: I Might not get hard I just got laid last night!
2006-07-04 20:22:02 · answer #7 · answered by retisin2002 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mickey Mouse went to a divorce lawyer and had a meeting. After talking, his lawyer said, "You can't divorce Minnie just because she is a little crazy." Mickey says,"I didn't saying she was crazy, I said she was fu@*ing Goofy!!!!
2006-07-01 00:12:02 · answer #8 · answered by missesc0bar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Restroom
Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.
As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
2006-07-01 00:51:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋