How do you handle my mother because she treats me like a kid and I am 33 years old!?

Question

my mom is a very weird person. she gets mad at me for the craziest things. like for instance my 6 year old girl wants to grow her bangs out and my mom hates it. she yelled at me last night on the phone because she said kids shouldn't be allowed any choices! she isn't hurting anyone with long bangs. She never l ikes anything I do. I do everything wrong in her eyes. We are suppose to go on vacation to see my brother next month and I guess I should not get in a car with her for 12 hours! I can't talk to her either. whatever I say she gets mad and says I never take her advice. Like for instance with the kids get sick, she thinks she knows more than the pediatrician. I disagree and she gets mad at me. what do I do. I know she is a depressed person but she is making me crazy and i never want her to say something bad in from of my kids and hurt their feelings. she has already told my daughter she doesnt look good without bangs. any advice?? thanks.

Answer 1

no need to argue with mom... simply act your age ... take charge of your life, don't tell her all of your business and start making your own decisions without running to her for consultations..... instead of asking for her opinion, TELL her what you have decided ....... you must sit down with her and kindly let her know that your daughter is just that... YOUR daughter...... and you will be the one to weigh your options and make decisions regardng her welfare...whether it be the length and style of her hair or which college she will attend, even if mom doesn't agree with you... mom had her chance to make choices and decisions (when she raised YOU) tell her that it is now YOUR turn and you are entitled to your own triumphs as well as your own errors.... at six years old your daughter is most definitely able and entitled to express her opinion about how she wants to look and about her life in general (within boundaries and values that YOU set) and should be permitted that freedom in an appropriate framework.... if she doesnt try things under your supervision and guidance during her youth, how will she ever learn to or be able to make her own choices and decisions later when the stakes are bigger and the questions are harder?? how will she ever learn to get up and try again when she fails or to cheer for herself when she succeeds???? (does this ring any bells as to why you are having difficulty now??? your mother is trying to repeat history by controlling everything your daughter does just as surely as she must have done this to you.... and you allow her to continue........ ) once you thoughtfully and frankly lay the ground rules for your mother .... (and make certain that you tell her that you love her somewhere in there)....you need to have the COURAGE to stand up to her (never yell or argue but calmly reinforce the rules that YOU set forth for your own life and your daughter's.... if mom persists (this might take time for her to adjust but you must maintain zero tolerance if you want to succeed) gently remind her and if she refuses to make adjustments in her dictatorial behavior then you must tell her that either she stop making hurtful comments and controlling your life and confusing you daughter or you will have to limit her contact .... with both of you.... and if she still refuses then get up and walk away (you must be strong)....she is your mother not your master... make a committment to yourself..... cut those apron strings NOW and release her stranglehold on your life! grow up and don't allow those same bad values to be instilled in your daughter's head.... if she wants her hair to be long, short, curly or straight, or whatever, then that is between you and your daughter to discuss.... and mom needs to learn to express her opinion only when asked specifically for it..... if you are a wimp then YOU WILL ENABLE MOM and she will continue on her merry way down the path of controlling and destroying YOUR life...and maybe your daughters..... it's a wonderful feeling to stand on your own two feet and succeed all alone.... give it a try for your own and your daughter's sakes.... also try presenting your mom with a wonderful book on grandparenting (there are many good ones at the library or book store) .....she really needs to have her role in your family defined for her since she is having difficulty with that aspect of the relationship ... mom may have given you life but she cannot live it for you.... you won't regret becoming your own person....be strong and good luck !

Answer 2

It is hard to think of a rational response for a situation that involves an irrational person. One of my girlfriends has a similar issue with her "difficult" mother, but my response to her was that she needed to move out (desperately). Her mom started seeing a therapist just recently, but the problem has been there for years. I don't know if you'll ever be so fortunate. I don't know if you've ever tried being honest and straight-forward about how you feel... I don't know if she would completely fly off the handle. Probably. Try to remember that, no matter how negative her "help" may seem, she thinks that she is trying to be helpful. If she's depressed, the negativity that she expresses is probably only a small part of the feelings that she experiences. Maybe if you approach her with your concerns about how she is doing, about how she is feeling, then maybe she'll listen. Let her know that you care, but you won't allow her to be so hurtful around your kids. Then you'd have to follow through and leave the instant the negative talk starts. That may be tough, since it sounds like you have difficulty standing up to her.

If all else fails, I'd invest in a plane ticket so that "she will be more comfortable" on the trip. Tell your brother to split it, or else you may have to leave her at a rest stop!

Answer 3

She is clearly miserable.Just agree with her whenever you are in her presence,even though you will do what you want when she leaves.Sometimes they just want to believe that they still have an influence on you and a part in your life.Explain to your kids that she doesn't mean any harm,and to pay little attention to some of the hurtful things she may say.Explain that she is bitter and lonely and that her griping is just her way of feeling that she still has some control over some things.She will always be your mother,though she may sometimes feel that she is alone,and no longer needed.We live and breathe our children and often times when the nest becomes empty,we grow bitter because the thing that we devoted our lives to and put things on hold for no longer depends on us for it's survival.When you think about it,it can be scary.Just be patient with her.Try asking her for advice even if you already know what to do.This will make her feel needed.

Answer 4

I'm concerned about you and your children being around what amounts to verbal abuse or at the very least disrespect. Is there something medically, emotionally, mentally wrong with your mom that causes this behavior? What does your husband or father do when she does this? If you're a single mom she may do this partly because she still feels like she has to take care of you. Is she modeling a behavior you want your kids to be around? No, I don't think it's a good idea to be confined with her for 12 hours. You are an adult and you are your daughter's advocate, children's self-esteem is very fragile don't let her destroy your daughter's self-esteem.

Answer 5

UGH! So many people have said basically, "stand up to her" "stop consulting her" and the like....which I find completely insulting to the original question. This is why: I have first-hand experience with a butt-in-ski, bossy, difficult mother. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand that simply asking or demanding for any specific behavior does not work on irrational over involved people. You can be strong, clear, and assertive, but only those who respect others' opinions will respond. This type of mother will bulldoze right through your strong, clear assertiveness and do what she wants! The solution is is to withhold opportunities for her to behave in the way she is used to. And it NOT because the daughter is a wimp and hasn't expressed her wishes!

Answer 6

Put your foot down......advise your mom that you're a grown girl, and a mom, and that you're not gonna stand for her yelling anymore. You may have to give her a taste of her own medicine by yelling back at her....which will either surprise her....or make things worse....lol. Another thing you can do is to quit involving your mom in your decisions, and quit giving her information bout your kids. Eventually you're gonna have to stand up to her, so you just as soon do it now. I know what you're going through...although I'm a man, I had a rough mom too. I had to wind up telling her off, and she finally chilled out. Best of luck to you......

Answer 7

cut her out of your life.

yes, i know that sounds harsh, but after a lifetime of crap, i cut all contact from my mother 4 years ago. She did something to my wife to deliberately hurt her feelings. do you want your mother to hurt someone so important to you?

i don't give this advice lightly. you need to get to the point where there feels like no other option. sometimes people, even parents, need to pay for their actions.

Answer 8

)1( just tell her you did not try to tell her how to raise her kids so she has no right trying to tell you how to raise yours )2( MOM i am over 18 so dont tell me what to do and if you continue I will be forced to limit the time we spend talking this is causing stress and I am totally against raising my child in a stressfull advirement so the choice is yous )3( Stick to your Guns our it will get worse

Answer 9

talk to your mom. just tell her that your grown up and that you dont want to be treated like a kid anymore. if she doesnt understand just tell her all the stuff she has been doin to baby you. mothers are supposed to be understanding and your mother should understand that you dont want to be treated like a kid anymore.

Answer 10

I don't think you can do much, sorry. Talk to her in good manners when you can and ignore her when you can not talk.