Best ever joke u ever heard???? ( 10 points for the best)?

Answer 1

two rabhis and a priest walk into a bar......uhhh nah i got nuthin

Answer 2

Tennis Elbow
A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby - get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Answer 3

The Killing Joke.

There once were two guys living in a mental institution, and they decided that they didn't like living in a mental institution anymore, so they were going to break out.

They waited until 'lights out' and hid. Then, after the guards went by, they went upstairs to the roof. There were the lights of the city spread out before them. And there was another building the same height as theirs, with just a narrow alley separating them.

If they could jump across, they could go downstairs in the other building, and out onto the street. They would be free!

So one of them took a running start and made a tremendous leap. He landed safely on the roof of the other building.

"Come on." he said, beckoning to his friend. "It's easy." But the other fellow was scared. He couldn't do it.

"Listen," the first one said. "I have my flashlight with me. I'll turn it on and lay it down on the ledge. The light will reach across to the other building, and you can WALK across on the beam!"

"What!" said the second. "Are you CRAZY? YOU'D turn it OFF when I was halfway across!"

Answer 4

The Vatican lost one billion dollars by inside corruption. So the bishops ask the Pope to get the money back .That's when the pope went out to the corps, and got the Kentucky fried chicken company to give the money to them only if the lords prayer was changed, from our daily bread to our daily chicken. So the Pope agreed and requested to talk to the bishops. In front of all of them he told the story that there was good news also bad news .Then he told them the good first .We will get the money by changing the lords prayer from bread to chicken. And the bad news ,There goes the Wonder bread account.

Answer 5

A woman walks into a bar and sees a nice looking guy drinking a blue drink. She asked him what it was and he said that it was his special. One drink made him feel great and with two he could fly around the building. With that, he ordered her two drinks, jumped out of the window and flew around the building twice landing at her feet.

"Wow" was all she could say and then downed both drinks, stepped over to the window and jumped 55 stories to her death.

The bartender shook his head and said, " Man, you sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Answer 6

a teacher tells to class that he'll ask a question and if it is answered, 2nd question won't be asked. and he asks someone "how many feathers do turkeys have?" and the student answers "368". "how did you know that?" teacher asked. student "no answer for the 2nd question.

if a dark skinned person goes to south pole, what would it be? "chocolate ice-cream"

lol i know a lot but i forgot all the jokes i'll tell you when i remember.

Answer 7

Who's in charge here?

All the parts of the body where having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge" said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, and without me, nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for all the body waste."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

The a_s_s_hole is usually the one in charge.

Answer 8

here r all da best jokes i hav heard

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just ******' BEATUIFUL!' "

Nice Words!

One day, little Suzie was strolling around the house and just happened to pass by her sister's room. She heard her sister say on the phone to her boy friend"Your such an ***!" and she hung up.Suzie asked what *** had meant and her sister sayin"Uh... it means... uhh.. boyfriend!". Suzie is delighted to hear a new nice word.

Then,She was walking past the bathroom where her dad was shaving. Her dad had cut himself and yelled "****!" Then turniing around saw little Suzie ask what **** means. Dad, being quite shocked answered"It uhh.. It.. It means shaving cream."

Then, Suzie walked downstairs to help her mom with the dinner turkey. Suzie's dad's boss was coming to dinner tonight.
When Suzie went in the kitchen, her mom accidently cut herself yelled"****!". Suzie asked what **** meant and mom replied" it..it..it uummm...it means cut... yeah, cut." Just as mom said that, the doorbell rang and asked Suzie to go and get it.
When Suzie opened the door, her dad's boss was standing there. Boss asked" Well hello young lady! Can I ask where your family is?" Then Suzie said" Well, my sister's upstairs talking to her *** on the phone, my dad's in the bathroom wiping the **** off his face and my mom's in the kitchen ******* the turkey!"


The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why dosen't it rain on you?

Roses are red, Violents are blue monkeys
like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.

When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him to
free u from darkness and if after you pray and your
still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL !

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your sister.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

wat am i gonna do if i tell u my all joke get sum onli

Answer 9

an indian walks into a bar with a gun, a cat, and a bucket of poop.
he orders a shot of wiskey, shoots the gun into the bucket and takes a bite of the cat.
the bartender watches as he repeats this a few times, then finaly asks him what he is doing.
the indian replies..."me wanna be like white man, drinkin' wiskey, shootin the sh*t and eatin p*ssy"

Answer 10

I can tell you the corniest joke that ever gave me a chuckle...


Two drums and a cymbal fall of a cliff.

Ba-Dum Ching!

Answer 11

Why does Michael Jackson like Thirty eight year olds?

Because there's 30 of them!!!