My parents are divorced, my father has died and my mom still bad mouths my father?

Question

My parents divorced when I was 10 after 11 years of marriage. My mom initiated the divorce and her and her family still blame everything on my father. My mother is an angel according to her family. My parents divorce was 15 years ago and my father died 8 years ago.

My wife went to get a pedicure by my mother's friend. And the lady said all these mean things about my father that my mother had said. This friend didn't even know my father!

My mother said my father flirted with everyone, he was controlling, impatient, not a good father, two faced, didn't have a job and didn't have enough money to send me to private school, etc.

My father has been dead for 8 years and she is STILL talking bad about a dead man who cannot defend himself.

I just don't want to see her anymore, what is her problem?

My father never beat, cheated on or verbally abused my mother. She has said this herself.

She has had one relationship since the divorced and she says everything was his fault to.

Answer 1

She must be really bitter about something! That is very sad. Maybe she feels bad about the divorce and thinks she has to justify her choice to leave your Dad by bringing up (or making up) the bad things in her relationship with him.

It is a shame that your Mom wasn't able to keep her opinions about your father to herself, at least of out respect for you. How is a kid (or even an adult) supposed to feel when one parent talks about the other so viciously? How can a person not be hurt by someone implying that someone who is essentially half of who you are, is loathesome?!

It hurt me when my Mom's extended family talked that way about my estranged father (though my Mom was careful not to bad-mouth my Dad to us). It made me want to purge every vestage of his DNA from my body. If he was the horrible, hateful person that they made him out to be, then what did that mean about who I was or would become?

I also think it tacky (and strange) that your Mom is still spending time bad-mouthing your Dad to anyone who will listen even though he is permanently out of the picture! Some people thrive on drama and will create some if there is none to be had otherwise. If it hurts too much to associate with her because of the things that she says and does, then maybe it is a good idea to step back from your relationship with her. Maybe she'll see what she's done and stop. ???

Good luck and take care. ; )

Answer 2

It seems to me that your mother probably loved your father a lot at one point. She probably felt betrayed by him at the time of the divorce. But it takes two. If he was such a rotten guy, why did she marry him? And after the divorce, she should have felt free. She's totaly playing victim. It's pretty pathetic that she has to resort to bad mouthing a dead person. I wouldn't doubt that most people around her feel the same as you do. She's sounds like a miserable person. My advice to you is tell her to quit playing a victim, get over it , and get a life. You turned out ok and there is no point in bagging on a dead guy. She probably needs to get layed if she hasn't been with anyone since your father (no disrespect). If she doesn't make any effort to change, tell her you don't want to be around her until she does.

Answer 3

Your father most likely cheated on your mother, or got pretty damned close. Something happend that pernamently damaged her emotionally to the point of which she basically hates him. I realize he is dead, and she pretty much should have let it go by now but has she moved on? Did she re-marry??

If your answer is yes, what gives? You need to confront her and tell her, I realize you and my father had some poor experiences but my father is dead now. Let him rest in piece.

I assume the answer is no though. Why would she nag about an ex, when she could nag about the current? Whatever the situation was, it harmed her so much it made her unsuitable to continue dating. She talks about the "dead man" so much because he was the love of her life, even though it didnt' end that way. Imagine your wife and you divorced out of paranoia and cheating and you were incapable of moving on after she died. Shes the only experience you've ever had in love.

Quit being so hard on your mom. If your dad did cheat, and she let it go and they stayed married and you found out... wouldn't you disrespect her even more?

Answer 4

You can see how badly, a bad husband can affect someone. Yes even all these years later. Just make sure you don't hurt your wife like that. Your Mom may never get over the things he did to her, so you will just have to forgive her. Feel however you want to feel about your Dad and let your Mom do the same. You are old enough to be able to understand and not cut your Mom off because of it. You will just end up hurting yourself.

Answer 5

yea you need to move on. its good if you try to see your father in your own light and how he was with YOU individually, because each person is different with every other person. so even though what your mom is maying MAY have some basis to it, she could just be blowing things way out of proportion. you need to sit down and have a talk with her. tell her that you dont appreciate the way she bad-mouths your now gone father and that she should show some respect to him. and if she doesnt agree, then oh well. you've got a mind and heart of your own and you shouldn't change the way you feel about your father because of her views. just forget what shes saying.

Answer 6

This is a horrible thing people do when they divorce. Can't she see she is hurting her own son by not being able to control her mouth? She can have any opinion of your father that she wants to, just keep it away from you! I'm sorry you've had to deal with this your whole life, but you are an adult now and you don't' have to deal with it anymore. If she finds it necessary to say these things in front of you then she will have to deal with the repercussions of her juvenile behavior........which are not seeing her son and not having his respect. Do not tolerate it.

Answer 7

Sounds like your mom has some serious relationship and self-esteem issues. She also sounds like a pathological liar. Your wife should get her pedicures, etc. done by a professional who is not in any way related to your mom. You should distance yourself from your mom as much as possible, but tell her why you are distancing yourself. In reality, she's also doing herself a great disservice. People will get tired of listening to her ***** and moan about a 15 year ex-husband who has been dead for 8 years. She is the one who looks like a flippin' nut!

Answer 8

This is horrible. My husbands mother is the same way. His father is still alive though. But, my husband gets really upset. He's already told her that whatever happened between she and his father was between them. It has nothing to do with the feelings he feels for his father. It really hurts him, because no matter what happend, that is his father, and he loves him no matter what.

The last time my mother in law bad mouthed my father in law, I told hier this "Whatever happened between you and Richard (father in law) was between you and him. Not only that, but it was in your era. My children (new generation) don't need bad images and thoughts about their grandfather instilled in their heads. If it doesn't stop NOW I will not allow you to see your grandchildren again! So, the choice is yours." She has not mentioned his name again. I'll be damned if anybody plants hatred and anger into my childrens hearts. My job is to protect them! Even if it means for them to no longer have a relationship with their grandmother.

Your job is not only to protect your children and/or future children. But to protect your father as well. Let her know how you feel. Tell her that if she doesn't let your father rest in peace, she will lose you forever. Stand up for him, you're all he has.

Answer 9

Sit your mother down and explain how you feel. Tell her that you respect the fact that she raised you to be who you are today but that you really don't want to hear any more trash talk about your father because you loved him too. Tell her that if she continues to ignore your wishes that you will have to stay away from her and then follow through. That's all you can do. Good luck.

Answer 10

sounds to me like your mother still has major issues with your father, it is wrong to talk about your father like that especially in from of her childreen regardless of how old you are its just not right considering the fact that he past away and she needs to just let him rest in peace not deminish your memmory of him, anyway you need to have a serious talk with your mother and explain to her that this is bothering you and its making you look at her in a different light, and that you would be very happy if she stopped bad mouthing your father. it doesnt matter what happened between them he is still your father and she needs to remember that. best of luck it sounds like a difficult situation but you already lost a parent so don't push your mother away just have a talk with her im sure she's understand :)