Daughter and Father?

Question

My daughter is 15 (16 in two months) and has never really knew her dad.She came to me yesterday and said she wants to see him, but no one knows where he is. Me and him divorced when my children were young, he used to come and see them every weekend, then just stopped showing up.
She now wants to see him, she is due to start sixth form in september, plays guitar, wants to work in music promotion, done really well in school and he knows nothing about it.
What would be the best solution for this?
Should i help her find him or leave it to her? I cant afford to play for the services that trace family members so im stuck there, she is getting deserate now and is thinking her dad hates her which i know is not true.

Any one have any ideas?
Thanks!
Roxy

I havent even seen him for about 7 years at the least. I am helping as best i can, but i cannot remember any of his friends names as he kapt friends and family separate, both his parents died about 2 years ago..so i cant really ask anyone

TO IOMEGAN:
I dont mind picking up the tab for any costs (if we have to pay to find him) because i divorced him, if we had stayed together she wouldnt be needing to find him. Besides, i wouldnt mind seeing how he is either. I am her mother and i want her to be happy, no matter of any costs

Answer 1

I think you should help her find her father, shes nearly 16 and girls at that age need their dad. I'm 16 and i couldn't live without my dad to be honest. If its what she wants, then its up to her. You shouldn't stop her but its up to you if you want to help her or not.

Answer 2

Wow, that is really hard.
There is only so much you can do in attempting to find him. If you know any contact info about his family that might know how to get a hold of him that would be a start.
I understand she is growing up and wants to know where she came from, maybe have a relationship with him someday.
It sounds like you would be okay with her seeing him (which I must applaud you for, not many people would forgive him so easily). I wonder why he stopped coming to see his kids in the first place? Is there a reason he might not want to be found.
He could have sent a birthday card at least if he was wanting to stay in minimal contact at least.
Good Luck finding him. If she really wants to meet him, prep her for for some disappointment (don't bash him but make sure she understands the worst case scenario).
Tell her you love her and your family will always support her.

Answer 3

I would explain the whole situation to her. She's old enough to have some appreciation for the fact that you and her father were and are just two people who make mistakes (i dont mean having children, but compatibility wise) and that men often dont know how to handle a good relationship, let alone one that falls apart.

Explain to her that you dont know where he is, or how to find him, and that you cant afford the cost of the service from a professional.

Maybe she would enjoy searching him out. Perhaps you have her grandparents names and addresses, an aunt or uncle.... cousin, some one from his side who might know how to find him?

I would explain to her, although it would be hard for her to understand, that even if she did find him its bound to be a little less of a memorable moment that iam sure she's imagined.

He might have a new life and not know how to fit her in it, he might not have interest in creating a relationship with her this late in the game, just from his own fears and feelings of being a failure. Those sorts of things.

Just sit and talk to her rationally, as someone who's learning how to be an adult. Its a hugely big situation, but she's not too young to wrap her understanding around it.

Answer 4

It is totally normal for a child to want to know about their absent parent. It's also very important for their emotional growth and it usually comes to a "peak" when your child has matured - usually sometime in the teens. So all this is good. You need to do whatever you possibly can to help her find him. If you are strapped for cash, that's fine - who isn't? But you can offer support and encouragement and those things don't cost a lot of money, but are invaluable, nonetheless. Seeking out her father is , in essence, seeking out herself. She needs the missing half! Otherwise, she WILL think that she is unloveable, that SHE did something wrong and wasn't "worthy" enough to love. Do whatever you can to help her fit the missing piece into the puzzle that is to become her life. Then, after he's found, don't have expectations or anxiety that he's not going to be this way or that way, because you're daughter will see things the way they are and come to her own conclusions, as she should. Good luck! I will remember ya'll in my prayers...so remain positive, okay?!

Answer 5

Help her - so she doesn't think you don't want her too.

Use the internet contact family & friends of his - you know more about him then her.

It may be a phase but if you hinder her in anyway she may hold it against you. I wouldn't go out an dhire a detective but I owuld make some phone calls and do some internet searching... you two can make it a special project, an unique treasure hunt

Good luck!

Post a quetsion on here asking if anyone knows so and so if that is allowed ....

Answer 6

Every kids deserve to have a father in their life. If you really care about you daughter, you should do whatever it takes to help her find him. You said he used to come by and then just stop. When he stop coming and you never heard from him again don't you ever think that something might have been wrong. He might be in trouble or something happen to him. Help your daughter find her dad that is the best gift you can give to your daughter. Hope everything workout the best for all of you!!

Answer 7

Have you guys tried the basics...say on line? searching names (friends, family), phone #s, any social security # you may have from the past. sending a letter to his last known address, calling any former employers. do you know what high school he graduated from. Or any college he may have gotten a degree from?

My father found me by finding a friend of my uncle's from high school, who called my uncle, who called my mother, who in turn told me. I was 25 and the last time he had seen me, I was 2.

It was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I'll cherish it forever. Though we only got know one another for a week before he passed away from cancer. It put alot of little seemingly trivial things into place for me. Like why I like certain things. Where I got my eyes and my sense of humor.

Above all else...its not a lack of love that keeps us separated over the years...its just life can get in the way for some folks.

Answer 8

Tell her her dad does not hate her. Try to find where his parents (or to her relatives) lives at and start from there.
I hope this helps. Could help you with more but I am 29 and never knew my father-do not know his name. And he is dead-or, so my Mom told me. I could go ask her but she died almost 2 years ago.
My point, try the best to find the father. It will clear her mind when she does. Good luck.

Answer 9

As a father who lost his daughter for 16 years: I would ask you to give your child all the help and support you can to help her find her dad!!

You can try all the usual sites: friendsreunited, genesreunited, forcesreunited, 192.com...social services. If money is not an issue try the Salvation Army: they have a missing persons/finding persons section which is quiet successful!!

Here is wishing you every success.. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 10

I would definately put forth every effort to assist your daughter in finding her father. She needs to know that you back her up and take her decision seriously. Are there any mutual friends you may have had or still have that might know where he is?
Are none of his family members involved or around? If there is no other way than to pay money to find him - I'd start saving. Your daughter needs to know u did everything to help her.

Answer 11

Well I think that you should help her find him. How, I am sure that you know his name and if you know where abouts he lives like state or city you CAN find him. First call information and see if he is listed. Look on the internet you can find thousands of websites to help you out. I know that if I were your daughter I would want to find my father and get to know him maybe even grow a relationship with him. I am sure she has tons of un answered questions.