...still don't know about that. The thing is, I'm affraid thay'd disapprove of cohabitation and push us to get married. Which I wouldn't mind (i do believe he's The One), but my boyfriend - quite reasonably - says it's too early. I'm 24 and he's 23, so our age could be alright, but I do agree that we could spend at leat a year together before planning a wedding. But I don't want him to move out. I'm very happy with him, but I wish I didn't have to lie to my family - it feels so wrong. How come my happiness has to hurt someone? How do I solve this?
2006-06-30 08:17:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
You can't have it both ways. If you want parental approval you meet parental standards. If you want to set your own standards, you accept that parental disapproval goes along with that.
That said, why buy a headache? What would it accomplish to confront your parents with your choice? It would cause them distress and gain you nothing -- possibly even make your life more difficult as they attempt to make you see "the error of your ways". Will NOT telling your parents make things any worse? When possible, avoid confrontation.
Why not play the diplomat here and simply avoid volunteering any information. If questions are asked, "Fred is spending a lot of time here" isn't exactly a lie. Neither is "Fred is keeping some of his things here, for convenience" or "Fred has most of his meals here."
Just play it cool for a year. Then you can tell your folks something like "Fred and I are getting married next winter, and we're sharing an apartment." You need not mention when this arrangement commenced.
2006-06-30 11:20:47 · answer #1 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
All I can tell you is TALK TO HIM! See how he feels about it. If he thinks you're the one he wants to spend the rest of your life with do it. I was with my husband a year and 6 months before we got married but I was pregnant. I'm 18 and he's 26. It has been wonderful. At 1st we lived with his mother for a while until we were able to save up enough money to get into a place. Let me suggest that if you do get married and your looking to do it cheap. We had ours outside at a river park. Talk about beautiful. We rented the chairs and tables. All I did was get a long strip of fabric (gold because it was fall) from wal*mart and staked it down in the ground and used it as my run way. My husband said that it was to early but I told him if you want to spend this rest of your life with me then you are going to marry me! And that was it. Well good luck girl. I hope you all have many years of happiness together and don't worry about your parents if they love you they will support you no matter what! GOOD LUCK
2006-06-30 16:34:04 · answer #2 · answered by shorty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are 24 years old, not a child.
Tell your parents, now. If they find out from some-one else they will be very hurt.
They may not approve but will soon realise that you love each other & will come around. It is not unusual for a couple to live together for a while before getting married nowadays.
And, incidentally, you do not "HAVE" to lie to anyone - you chose to lie.
2006-06-30 15:44:36 · answer #3 · answered by monkeyface 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi Honey, here to help. First of all, you are an adult, and you need to start acting like one. I am not trying to sound harsh, but you know something? You are acting verrrrrry mature with the whole situation, and I will tell you why.
I think its great that both you and your boyfriend are ready to be even more committed together, and one another. I am a believer of living together before marriage. There are the naysayers that will say its wrong and blah blah blah. But I will spell out for you why this can be a good thing.
Some people cannot live together, plain and simple. And they are in for a surprise...They say that living together, you begin to know each other even more than you already do. You will discover different habits of each other that you may like or dislike. What if these habits are something you could never tolerate if you were married? Do you really want a divorce 9 months later?
The other thing I am going to tell you is the negative side of living together before marriage. You DO NOT want to be someone's roommate. You need to be treated like a girlfriend still. You also do not want to "play house" and a committment should be planned out before you live together. I agree while you probably do not want to get married now, but there should already be definite plans for a year or two.
If he has not proposed to you, maybe he will think about this soon (he should). And you need to express your concerns to him that you do not want to play house etc. You are looking for a long term committment, not to be someone just helping out with the monthly expenses. I am telling you this because sometimes guys get lazy.
They figure that they have all the comforts, so why get married? You need to have some kind of a plan. At least let him know that is what you are looking for. Set a date, and try to start planning. If you want to have children someday, my opinion it is best to be married before you have them. That way you can have a family without confusion.
As far as your parents go, I say that you are a big girl. My aunt had this fear about 26 years ago when she was in Texas and her boyfriend and here were living together. She did not want to tell my very Catholic grandparents that she was "living in sin" so to speak.
My best advice to you is to tell your parents. You are an adult, and they need to respect your decisions. You are going to be afraid, but you know something? You have handled things very maturely in my opinion so far, so you might as well continue on that path. Its your life, and you are not living it for your parents. They no longer are allowed to control you or tell you what to do.
So they might be mad for a while, who knows. But honestly, they love you and they will get over it. You are their daughter. I doubt that they are going to disown you or hate you for the rest of your life! They will just have to get used to the fact you are grown up and you make your own choices. Even though you will always be their little girl at heart, you are a big girl now.
I think you should tell them, sit down with them, and tell them your plan (after you have discussed this with your boyfriend). Because at this point do you want them to find out through someone else? That will be even more embarrassing.
I wish a lot of luck to you. It sounds like you are happy with your living arrangement. Good for you. I think if you really get a long living together, you most likely will have a successful marriage someday. Your parents should be proud of the mature daughter they raised. You have a great head on your shoulders. Now is the time to really enjoy things! Love, Kat
2006-06-30 15:45:38 · answer #4 · answered by katisadiva 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I have a hard time believing they don't know it already --------- don't they visit, make phone calls etc.....
If you aren't up to telling them the truth then you aren't ready to be living with someone---- part of being grown up means you're responsible and can handle your own decisions...
No one can push you into marriage(my goodness you're 24!) --- you sound unsure of your decision to be living with your boyfriend ----why not take a breather and really consider why you two are living together-----
Don't be doing something when you can't face the reality of it being found out.....
2006-06-30 19:26:24 · answer #5 · answered by jaimestar64cross 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion is to tell your parents and inform them, politely, that it's your life. My fiance and I had that problem at first (his mother is very traditional) and she didn't approve of us living together. My fiancee simply put his foot down and told his mom that he loved her and respected her opinion but it was his life and his choice. What he said was "Mom, I'd rather live with someone and find out I can marry them then marry someone and find out I can't live with them."
She didn;t like it then but after a month or two, she came to terms with it and is now excited about the wedding WE'RE planning together.
2006-06-30 15:24:11 · answer #6 · answered by Kitten 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's tough not being able to be honest with your parents on this.But also remember why is he going to but the cow when he is already gettting the milk for free.I say move out and see if he is the one and if he is prepared to really marry you.
2006-06-30 15:25:49 · answer #7 · answered by jpcbbc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it feels wrong because it is wrong, it is suppose to be married then move in together, you still need to let your parents know and respect their reaction even though it may not be what you want to hear, of course your bf says he's not ready for the commitment but he sure is ready to enjoy the benefits, if your feel that guilty about it then you need to be true to yourself because though you feel like he's the one, he sure isn't willing to be the one
2006-06-30 21:06:43 · answer #8 · answered by judy j 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Go ahead and tell ur parents about it.......Its natural on parents part to disagree...as they are alwyas worried about how secure u are with him and also what relatives would talk....
If u have a secure job and u really love your man and u trust him...u be with him...afterall its ur life...u guys are grown up adults. Always be there for oneanother no matter what happens,or who says what....
But do let ur parents know about it...tell them politely...tell them u love him dearly...introduce him to ur parents too....so that he wont be strange to themmmm....
Live happily with ur MAN :)
2006-06-30 16:37:24 · answer #9 · answered by AB12 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop lying to your parents. You are an adult and can do whatever you want. It's not harming anyone and they will just have to deal with it. It's not a sin.
2006-06-30 15:30:51 · answer #10 · answered by KathyS 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋