Does anyone have any good jokes to share (nothing dirty)?

Question

I need a good laugh

Answer 1

why did the Irish man take the toilet door off??




so that no1 would look through the keyhole!

lol

Answer 2

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear
"the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1 Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what
we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

Answer 3

mother-in-law tells to her son-in-law:
- Have $10.000. When I die bury me on the Red Square.
Same day evening the son-in-law gets home and tells her:
- Do whatever you want, the burials are tomorrow at 12:00

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

A morning dialogue. Husband:
"Honey, you know when I shave in the morning I feel 10 years younger"
Wife: "But can you shave in the evening then?"

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.

He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh no! I was riding the mare!"

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes

If you knew, how my mother-in-law loves to talk! When she was on a resort, even her tongue became sunburnt!
I have the perfect mother-in-law. There is no joke in the whole world that does not describe her.

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.


In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

The letter to TV company:
"Please, remove the creeping line from the screen during the news! My mother-in-law thinks it is karaoke and sings!!!"

Have a nice day!

Answer 4

okay, there were these three girls, blond, brunette and a redhead. a guy came up to them and said, "if you can make it up this staircase without laughing then you will go to heaven. as you go up there will be people on either side of you telling you jokes. Good luck." the brunette went up and laughed, the redhead went and also laughed. the blonde got all the way to the top without laughing. the guy turned to her and said, "congragulations you have done it." all of the sudden the girl starts laughing. the guy looks around and says, "what, whats wrong?" she replys, "I just got the 1st joke.!!!!"

Answer 5

This is my joke of the day (I get an e-mail - there are tons of them, you should sign up):
There was an older couple, both of them in their 80's, who died together in a car crash. They get to Heaven, and St. Peter shows them their mansion. The old man asks: "How much does this cost?"
St Peter replies, "Nothing. It's free. This is heaven."
There's a golf course behind their mansion, and the old man asks how much the green fees are. St. Peter replies the same way. Inside the mansion, instead of a kitchen, is a buffet loaded with all their favorite foods. The old man asks how much it costs and how bad it is for him. St. Peter replies, "It's free, like I told you. No cholesterol, no fat, no calories, and you never get full."
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Dangit, Gertrude, if it hadn't been for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Answer 6

The leaders of Russia, Iraq, and President Bush met with God. God told them that He would grant each one a wish.
The leader from Russia said: I would like fertile lands and fresh water so that my country would never go
hungry again." God said "Your wish is granted, you may go home." The leader of Iraq said, "I am tired of everyone
messing around with my country, so could you build a 100 foot high, 100 foot thick wall around it to keep people
out." God told him that his wish was granted and that he could go home. President Bush said, "Wait, he just
asked for a 100 foot high wall around his entire country?" "Yes." President Bush paused, then said, "Fill it with water."

A boy is walking through a park when he sees Bill Clinton fall into a pond. The boy quickly runs over to the
pond and drags him out. Choking, Bill Clinton tries to thank the boy. However, the boy jumps up and runs
away. Wanting to talk to him, Clinton runs after him. The boy keeps runnning. "Come back, I want to
pay you back! I'll give you anything you want!" The boy continues to run. "Please, anything you want,
you'll have it, you just saved my life!" The boy turns around. "Anything?" he asks. "Yes, anything you want."
Clinton promises. The boy thinks for a moment. "I want a bodyguard," the boy says. Clinton starts to laugh.
"You're, what, eight years old? Why do you want a bodyguard when you could have anything?" "When I tell my
mom that I saved Bill Clinton, she's gonna kill me!"

Answer 7

Alaskan Kayak Accident

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Answer 8

this is a joke you can do to somebody else : there was 2 girls and 1 boy and that one boy didnt like to be corrected and when he was talking to the girls he said to1 of them "i want to go to the stoge" and the girl said "dont you mean store" the boy smaked her and he said dont correct me. And than he told the second girl "i wish i was in the pork" and the second girl said "dont you mean park" and than the boy smaked her and said dont correct me.

Answer 9

OK......This is a " Yo Momma" joke......... Yo Momma is so black that if she walk the street with a black shirt on at night, folks will think a shadow just passed by and hit'em........ lol lol lol ....... Mighty black,huh

Answer 10

there was once a blonde,one day her neighbor notice she is busy checking the mail box so he ask why,the blonde reply'i am on the computer and the damn thing alway keeping tell me that i have mail'