Daughter cancelled wedding 5 wks before wedding....?

Question

Not sure what Im looking for here, maybe just some advice, or to know whether my feelings are justified or not, after being engaged for 1 1/2 yrs, my daughter has called off the wedding, 300 people have been invited, the bridal shower was supposed to be today (the cancelling took place yesterday...) you get the picture.......I do support my daughters decision, I would never want her to get married if shes not ready, but I have repeatedly talked to her about this over the last 1 1/2 yrs since Im a divorced myself. I cant believe she waited this long, the time I have involved with this, money.......Im mad as hell! Someone help! I know what your going to say, think of her feelings, not mine. But Im sick of thinking about her feelings when thats all Ive been doing an things turned out this way - now we (parents) have to clean up the mess!!!!

Answer 1

I'm getting married this October, and if I did that to my mom, I would understand why she would be upset. You have every right to be. As a daughter, I know it's a privilege to get my wedding reception paid for by my folks. 1 1/2 years is a long enough time to figure out if she had any doubts about the wedding. Frankly, if she had doubts, why did she say yes to the proposal? I found that, if I had ANY doubts about ANYTHING, I wouldn't have said yes. Regardless of the answer to the proposal, a 1 1/2 (which is a long engagement in my opinion) was a long time to sit and stew in these apparent doubts she was having.

Before my mom signed any contracts, she asked me "Are you sure about this? Because this is a major expense for us." If I did what your daughter did, I would be the one to fix everything, and I would feel obligated to pay my mother back every single penny that she was out from a quick change in decisions like your daughter made. If she didn't want to get married, that's fine, but SHE should clean up the mess herself.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Hey, it's not about you. Have you considered that "I've repeatedly talked to her about this over the last 1 1/2 years since Im divorced myself" didn't scare her off? Everyone has doubts about their first marriage because its the unknown...it wouldn't take much to set her running if you constantly pull out your bad experience (which I'm guessing couldn't be that bad since you have your daughter).

Seriously, it's not about you. If your not willing to pony up money and time for her next engagment, that's your problem. She's your daughter, I have no pity for you trying to blame her because she obviously made the right decision. Just think what it would be like if she waited until the wedding day itself?

If you think she'll pull this again, then don't put your time and money in the next one, my guess is, if you don't, you would regret it the rest of your life.

Second, if you are worried she does this again, then the next wedding, offer to pay for her honeymoon airfare and hotel and just make sure you have a refund option on both.

But really, her decision to cancel the wedding should have 100% NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, if it did, you blew it, if not, accept it.

Answer 3

You are divorced yourself, so she has reasons to be scared if she is not sure because she knows first hand how it is to go thought that pain.

The thing is that you want to live your life thought your daugther and want her to have all the things that perhaps you didn't have when you got married, to include perhaps a big wedding and a succesful marriage. That's why you are angry and dissapointed, because in a strange way, you want her to have what you couldn't.

Excuse me ma'am, and you might be upset because you have paid for all of this expenses, but this his HER life and you should know better than things can go sour in an unhappy marriage and is best now than later.

Some people can give you your deposits back, if the flowers are non returnable, donate them to charity, a hospital, a nursing home or a church. Donate food to the local food pantry or soup kitchen. Sell the dress on ebay , etc. etc. etc.

Don;t worry about the day or the expenditures, worry about her life as an adult that is responsible for her own decistions. Ask her to help you get rid of the stuff and recoup at least a fraction of the expenditures.

Good luck

Answer 4

I'm really sorry to hear your story. I am in the same situation with a exquisite wedding dress, veil and tiara ready for my wedding due to take place in September. Luckily for me its been two months now since my fiance made the dreaded call to tell me he wanted to cancel the wedding and no invites were sent out. I was in a terrible mess for a while but realised that there were a lot of things I overlooked through the excitement and stress of organising the wedding, while he lived wedding-stress free in the States. Now I am thankful to God that he allowed this to happen now because I would have almost certainly have soldiered on in the hope our relationship would improve once I left everything to live over there. You know that even if things aren't 90% right, as women we sometimes feel we can make good of a not so good relationship. Who knows I may have ended up as single mother once the ongoing challenges of rearing children got the better of him or worse still a battered wife. Try not to be annoyed as I know she is probably distraught and feeling an element of guilt for the disappointment. Support her and she will hopeful do the same for you.

With the kindest regards

Answer 5

You have every right to be bad - don't dismiss your feelings for the sake of your daughters. She made a decision that was right for her. Unfortunately, the timing was bad and really ill timed but, in the end, it would be easier than going through a divorce and that expense. If you haven't already done this, you need to discuss your feelings with your daughter so that they don't linger and boil over at some other point on a completely unrelated topic. I think she should also be responsible for cleaning up some of this mess too. When people ask, tell them to talk to her. She needs to take responsibility for her actions because, at the end of the day, it was her action and her choice.

I hope that helps.

Answer 6

Boy are you a selfish person. I don't know and I don't think anyone answering knows what went on between you and your daughter but I will say that you apparently put more value in the perception that others have of you than you do in the welfare and happiness of your daughter. I wouldn't care if I spent a millions dollars on that wedding, if my daughter realized she was making a mistake while she was walking up the aisle, I would support her. Sure I would be upset at some point, but not because I have put out the guests. Let them take their gifts home, have the party and celebrate the decision to be certain of what she wants for the future and not what you have lost from yours.

Answer 7

I would be upset over all the money and time spent myself as well. The only thing is that this is your daughter you are talking about. Perhaps your daughter has not been ready to get married for some time, and has been afraid to tell you out of fear of your reaction. If she truly isnt ready to be married, then it doesnt matter if its 1 hour before the wedding - she simply cannot go through with it. I would suggest that she pay to send out announcements that the wedding has been cancelled, and that you see if you can take back anything that has been bought - For some vendors (photography, dj, organist, etc) you may be able to get back 75% of what you have paid. My advice is next time she wants to get married, tell her upfront that its her money now to pay for it.

Answer 8

So clean it up. I suggest keeping everything together that was bought and cannot be returned (dresses, fake flowers, bubbles, ribbon). Then tell her you love her, but this was the big wedding and you cannot afford for her to change her mind at the last minute again. She has some things that can be used again if she chooses to, but you cannot afford a second wedding. You are very proud of her for not marrying when she had doubts, but she needs to understand that you aren't able to repeat this extravagance again. You support her and her choices, but next time the wedding cost will be on her. She has total right to change her mind, but waiting so late to break it off was irresponsible on her part. So although you support her 100%, you cannot pay a second time.

Answer 9

My dear, I urge you strongly ... think of your own feelings here. Keep accounts of how much time, effort, and money you have put into this. Go over each item with your daughter, and tell her just how very angry you about each one and exactly how she needs to get off her little fanny and get to work trying to clean up her mess and trying to recoup some of these funds! EXPRESS THYSELF! She owes you BIG here and if you don't call in that debt you will never work through your totally justified anger and resentment.

Yet another argument against weddings on a grand scale. Too bad you didn't plan a simple tea dance.

Answer 10

Why are you cleaning this up? It's her decision, let her do that stuff. I'm sure it was hard for her to make that decision, especially after invitations have been sent out. I hope you can get some of your money back. What changed her mind? Is she just not ready?