want ten point?

Question

the one with the best joke gets it.
come on guys put a smile on my face!
;)

Answer 1

ANGER MANAGEMENT 101

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a_s_s_hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a_s_s_hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a_s_s_hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a_s_s_hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a_s_s_hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a_s_s_hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?", I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a_s_s_hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a_s_s_holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a_s_s_hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a_s_s_hole."

Then I called A_s_s_hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a_s_s_hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a_s_s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a_s_s_hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a_s_s_holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better -

This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

Answer 2

this made me laugh for days

Can It Get More Embarrassing Than This? The following are two of the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!" "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter." Amy Richardson-- Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." Tim Cahill--Poughkeepsie, New York

Answer 3

okay:

a texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says " I hear you Irishmen are heavy drinkers. I'll give 500 american dollars to anyone who can drink 10 pints of Guiness in 30 minutes."

the Irishmen look around at each other and one even leaves. thirty minutes later the guy comes back and asks " Are you still up for the bet?" the texan says yes and calls for the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guiness. then the Irishman drinks it all within the required time. While handing over the money the texan says "wow that was amazing. but may i ask, where were you for the 30 minutes?"
The Irishman says " O. I went over to the pub across the street to see if I could do it first."

Answer 4

This is my favorite joke I've used it on several answers I laughed for days.

The teacher asked Little Johnny to come up to the front of the class.

The teacher told the class I'm going to put a blind-fold on Little Johnny and put something in his mouth, and with out him seeing it he will tell me what it is.

The teacher placed a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked Little Johnny, if he could tell what it was.

Little Johnny couldn't tell the teacher what it was.

The Teacher told Little Johnny I'll give you a hint, it's something your father wants from your mother every morning before work.

From the back of the class room Little Suzy screams" SPIT IT OUT JOHNNY IT'S A PIECE OF AZZ".

Answer 5

One day, a man just got his arms amputated due to serious injuries. He was so hopeless and decided to jump off a building. At the top of the building, he saw a man that don't have arms but dancing just like happy-go-lucky, at the streets. He thinks "Wow! I've never saw such happy man like that! I must ask him why is he happy!" Then he ran down the building and talk to the man. He said "Am I looked happy??? I'm stressed here coz I can't Scratch my f***ing butt!"

Answer 6

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

Answer 7

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"

Answer 8

What did the mouse say 2 the cheese?

Answer 9

What is a upside down comb a model of?

A bunch of ethiopians in a canoe.

Answer 10

Girlfriend: You need to watch this show. See how that guy's giving the chick candy?

Boyfriend: SIGH. FINE. [grabs empty pretzel bag] Here's some pretzel salt. You lubed up yet? [laughs his *** off] I'm glad you love me, because no one else will.

Answer 11

yer mommas so fat when she stepped on the scale it said "TO BE CONTINUED"
yer momm'as like a hardware store ten cents a screw
yer momma's like a lemonade stand, ten cents a squeeze
i have to say yer house is pretty clean, the floor you could almost eat off of it, unlike your daddy could say about yer momma!
none of thus i mean their just jokes.