Can you gracefully get me out of this?

Question

I'm single. My sibling is married. I like her husband and his family. But the general trend is that they same to want to combine holidays with my folks and his. Most recently was Fathers day. I decided to just take my father to breakfast because I did not want to attend a fathers day cook out with with my folks and his there. I like them - and we are nice to each other. I just don't like to be on stage and I am shy.

I don't mind something big like Christmas or Easter - but I don't want to be roped in to a bunch of small holidays and endless cook outs and things like that.

Do you think I'm being selfish?

Also - what reasons would you give for not going to these events?

Answer 1

No matter what you decide, SOMEONE will decide that you are being difficult. So, do what you want and explain to detractors why you feel this way. There will always be someone that will make a stink about it. This will end up being a power thing no matter what you do, so do what makes you happy. It's really about what you feel on these days, not what makes the others feel happy. Meeting family is stress full at the best of times and we all wish to avoid stress.

Answer 2

You're not being selfish. Not everyone enjoys large crowds (or even small ones!) on a regular basis. As long as you go periodically so that it doesn't look like you don't like his family or that you're abandoning yours, it shouldn't be a big deal.

If anyone says anything to you about it, simply explain that you prefer not to go all the time. And you are allowed to have other plans with friends, neighbors, your cat, etc! Plus, you probably have work or school things to do, things around the house that need to get done, errands, etc. What it comes down to is that you don't owe anyone an explanation for not attending, simply saying that you don't think you'll be able to make it should be enough.

Answer 3

Word to everything you wrote.

You are not being selfish. It is okay to be shy or introverted or just not want to be on stage with a bunch of people to whom you are not related -- biological family is more than enough drama without the addition of your sister's outlaws.

It is a mis-founded conceit that somehow family time is more important than what you want to do. If you would rather forego the next cookout to watch tv, play xbox, read a book, take a nap, whatever, there is no guilt associated with it: your time is best spent how you want to spend it. As to an excuse, you can tell them that you have a another engagement, another party/event, or tell them you have a date -- that will shut them up.

You might also consider tracking when these events are going to occur and make a counter-schedule for yourself. For example, I watched my sister and her family get in the habit of getting together with my parents most Sunday nights for dinner. For a while, my absence was noted. So I got in the habit of going to see my parents on Saturday afternoons (late lunch or late afternoon) for an hour or so -- I got a chance to talk to them without the kids running around, help with whatever was going on, etc. It did a lot for our relationship and -- bonus -- it gave me cover to avoid the next global event because I already saw the parents that weekend.

Good luck. Don't feel guilty.

Answer 4

No your not being selfish. You do have concerns that need to be address with your family. Tact is very crucial because you don't want to alienate your sister and her husband or his family. Perhaps for the holidays you could simply have private days with your family members before or after the smaller holidays and share the major ones with everyone else. I feel your pain, I feel that I'm sharing my mother's attention on Mother's Day; when she invites people that I somethings don't even know.

Answer 5

I don't think you should have to give any reason. I understand what you mean about what I like to call "command performances" in families. They can become tedious at best. I do not think you are being at all selfish either. Perhaps you could speak with your sister and explain that you just tire of the family gatherings all the time, she should understand. Good luck and I hope you can find an easy solution.

Answer 6

I think you are absolutely right in your preferences......shy or not.

The in-law holiday thing is not your responsibility to cover.

Have a discussion with your sister and try to describe a simple preference for which holidays you prefer to engage in. Do it once, say you appreciate the invitations to celebrate with her new family.....


.......then wait for the nephews and nieces to come along and you'll have a blast with them and can ignore the older people.


You put yourself on a stage....they probably don't do it TO you.


Relax and enjoy a family that a LOT of people here would die for.


I'm sure your Mom and Dad both enjoy your company in a one-on-one situation, also.

Answer 7

Work, plans with friends... etc. I don't think anybody would blame you if you opted for a time with friends on many of the "non-family" holidays (4th, Memorial Day, etc.). I

You're not being selfish. Many times I just pop in to these things myself and then leave quietly shortly after.

Answer 8

No, I don't think you're being selfish....but be sure to be honest with your sister as to why you want to bow out of the "small" holidays. Be kind, make sure she knows that its just because you don't feel comfortable around large groups of people, and not her husband or his family personally

Answer 9

I don't think that you are being selfish. I think that your dad would also understand. I would try talking to him and saying that you just didn't want to "share" your dad with strangers on Father's Day. Also, tell him and/or your sister while you understand that you are invited and that it is a family thing you just don't feel comfortable and that you feel out of place. I do think that they will understand. Just try talking to them one on one. Good Luck. Hope that helps!

Answer 10

It sounds like you already gracefully got out of the the Father's day cookout. I would simply decline other offers by claiming you have other plans, or a date... since I'm guessing they are putting you on stage because you are single.