question about my current situation w/ God?

Question

I am in my very early 20's and I have only ever been with one person. One of my parents has physically hurt me and so now I live w/ my boyfriend. I have been in school mainly-- because I am lucky enough to have a dad who helps me out and financial assistance...and I just RECENTLY moved in w/ my b/f...and I intend on getting a job very very soon. I just feel like I'm recovering from the aweful situation that was going on back home. I am just worried that I'm being a bad person by living w/ my boyfriend. I love him more than anything in the world and we have already discussed getting engaged. We just want to make sure that everything is right w/ money, jobs, etc when we do. More so him, than me really. I want to be a good person and sometimes ppl (who didnt know the situation back home) throw out little comments like "oh living in sin..that's good!" and it makes me feel bad.. i've never told on my parent..i dont want to live the party lifestyle w/ my friends-am i a bad person?

I've asked God to help me and forgive me--but as of right now, I have no other options. I am passionate about a hobby, and its been on my heart lately to persue it. But if I do, I know it will make things even harder. Its something I really believe in...but I'm stuck between the "live this life and persue what I feel" and the "work work work to get out of this situation and never persue what I really want". i feel like i've never been able to do what i wanted to do, and now i have a bit of freedom and i want to do what's been on my heart. reguardless, i will work (of course)...but I'm having trouble with the transition from child to adult. i just want to be happy and...i wanted to take this semester off of school and just work, travel, and do what i love doing. i've just never been able to do that before. the other option is work and go to school...but i'm afraid i wont be happy or have this opportunity again..what do you suggest?? i hope i'm making sense! mind is racing

by the way, i have been with my boyfriend for 5 years already!

Answer 1

Wow, Pixie. I’m really sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. It sounds like you are a true survivor.

I’m also sorry you’re taking crap from people about your current living situation. Technically, maybe they’re right (the ideal of marriage is the right one), but they are not really loving you as a person. They don’t seem to care to find out why you are in this situation, they don’t offer to help, they don’t even just sit down and listen. (Instead, they drop little comments as ways to manipulate you, out of guilt.)

Well, the fact that you are taking their remarks seriously, despite how you could easily justify what you’ve done, shows to me at least that you have a good heart and that you really want to do what is right.

Ideally, yeah, it would be best not to live together until marriage. Some people don’t see the problem, but that’s simply because any negative results are cumulative and long-term, while there’s enough short-term benefit to cover up any problems.

One reason behind this was to lay a firm foundation for the family, to protect the rights of the wife, as well as any children who would be born. Before dependable birth control was prominent (and genetic testing could prove parentage), the woman would most likely bear children, while the man always had the opportunity to “skip town” if he wearied of the relationship and leave them to fend for themselves. Marriage lays a legal foundation for both parents to take responsibility.

Marriage also provides an anchor to steady the relationship in times of emotional struggle. It’s a commitment that binds you together. Every marriage goes through rough spots, and people need something to cling to as reinforcement, in order to stick it out long enough for the relationship to deepen. Without it, people would quit rather than change and grow.

Marriage provides emotional security. Idealistically, you should feel as if your relationship is a safe haven for you; and if it is, your partner should be willing to formally commit to that.

And, if you are a Christian, then there’s the idea that marriage is the real joining of two spirits, not just physically but in every way. You are sort of “already joined” and cannot extricate yourself as easily as an informal living arrangement suggests. To do so will cause heavy emotional and spiritual damage and make intimacy harder with someone else later. If you are living as if you were married, then make it official and commit to it.

What I would do? If other living arrangements are possible and marriage is not impending, I’d live elsewhere until I was married. If that’s not feasible, then I would get serious about deciding whether or not you two will marry, and go ahead with it.

Pray (w/ your bf) that God would give you a clear indication of what to do and provide another place for you to live, if that’s what should happen right now. Pray about the possibility of marriage.

I would also find someone to confide in about your abusive parent. Even a survivor has picked up “wrong ideas” about who they are and what is healthy for a relationship; it has no doubt impacted you in more ways than you realize. Don’t put yourself down or take an unfair burden on yourself: Take care of yourself and find some support.

In any case, Pixie, please don’t call yourself as a bad person. That’s your mother (or whomever abused you) talking… it’s not God talking, and it’s simply not true.

When I read your question, I see someone who is compassionate to others (even those who might not deserve it) and really wants to do the right thing in this situation, despite any inconvenience to herself.

You’re human, and seeking… and that’s okay.

Answer 2

It sounds like you guys intend to be together for life, although I can see why you would want to be financially independent of your father as far as possible before formally tying the knot. This is the 'leaving' part of 'leaving, cleaving and weaving'(1), as the saying goes.

To be on the safe side, might want to hold back on actually being sexually active together until after the wedding, because various things can happen on the way to the altar, and once you've consummated the relationship, breakups *really* are not supposed to happen(2).

Although frankly if the intent is really to stay together for life, I think ultimately that is a matter to decide in your own conscience together. I know a couple from Bosnia who fled to Poland during the war, but had to wait until the war was over to tie the knot formally, because he was from a Muslim family and she was from a Catholic family, and at that time, the bureaucrats apparently were making trouble for folks such as they.

The only thing I can think of here is that folks may think you are 'giving the appearance of evil', and I suppose under the circumstances it would be difficult to explain why it isn't evil, without dragging that parent who abused you into the picture...

So, I see several angles here:

think about how to get independent as quickly as possible so you can marry (doesn't need to be a fancy lifestyle)

consider if there might be a discreet way you can get the point across without telling everything about your family problems, so that you can explain why you have done as you have

consider getting engaged immediately and when the time comes, having a very small, informal wedding where you just exchange vows before witnesses, no justice of the peace, no clergy, etc. (in Pennsylvania, if you can get a so-called "Quaker marriage license", this will even be legally valid, contact a local Friends Meeting for more info)

consider what ramifications, if any, these matters and the Scriptures would have for your relationship *as it presently stands*, pray, and act according to your conscience, giving thought to how you will handle those who have a different take on the situation.

May God bless you and keep you

Answer 3

There are a couple things about your lifestyle right now that will be frowned upon by Catholics, anyways, and I would assume other Christian denominations as well. You are living with your boyfriend, and could very well be having pre-marital sex -- a temptation that is all that much more real when you're living day-to-day with the person you love. While this is the reverse-logic with society, it's still a firmly-held doctrine in Christianity. If you really want to follow God's will as understood by your faith, repent and discontinue any sins that you may have already committed. Their cause is easy to understand.

On the other hand, this may not be the situation, and you may be waiting for marriage, in which case, good for you!

Also, in either situation, it truly is fine to live with your boyfriend, especially given the circumstances. And no, you're not a bad person for having grown out of the party lifestyle -- many never get into it, so how can it be a bad thing for you to leave it behind? God is a loving God. He understands what you're going through, and only wants the best for you -- as long as you're happy with yourself and your current situation, you are on the right path.

Answer 4

The best person to talk to about this would be a spiritual leader that you trust enough to give them all of the information. The only other information I can give is that you are not suppose to be living with your boyfriend according to what I know from the Bible. Even if you're not sinning by sleeping together, we are not to give appearace of sin.

I don't want you to think that I don't understand the whole, where else can I go? issue. For example, if there is a woman who doesn't have a job, she could go out and sleep with men for money. Is that a sin? It's the same issue - wrong is wrong. You do have choices - there are always choices. The spiritual leader you speak with should be able to help you come up with some.

Also, if he is waiting until everything is worked out financially - you'll be waiting forever. And it's like that in everything - if we wait for the perfect time, we'll just spend our lives waiting.

Answer 5

I'm sorry this is tearing you up. Ok, this is my perspective. I am a Christian, and I am married. My wife and I messed up only a couple weeks before our marriage, and broke the boundries we set up for eachother. Sure, it was fun, but, we realized what we had done was wrong and confessed aloud to people we trusted. And we held off any more until marriage. The reason I am telling you this, is because once we were married, it all meant so much more. We enjoyed that small period, but it was so much more with marriage. There are people out there who have lived together (non-Christian) and gotten married, and said there is something different about marriage. I would encourage you to find another place to live. And when you two decide to get married, you can enjoy that then. For now, I would say you are ok, since it was a safe place to go right away, but find something else. Don't settle for playing house now, because it could make the time until marriage so much longer (he's gonna be a lot less likely to ask you if he already "has" you, it's just a technicality then). Wouldn't you like to know you are there with his commitment to you?

Answer 6

First, have you prayed about your situation? God want's you to be safe. If with your parents isn't a safe place, than that isn't where He'd want you to be. Knowing that living with girlfriends you'll end up at parties where you don't want to be, then that's not where you should be either. Depending on the situation with your b/f, do you feel you are living as "friends" or as "husband and wife"... this is something only you can answer. Living as a married couple before your married would be wrong, but there are a lot of couples that don't live together that do act married when they are together. The real question is... how do you feel about where you are living... and how you are acting while you are there??

Answer 7

Your not a bad person.. some ppl make smart comments prob. not thinking the affect it is having on you.. it's your situation, if your life is better out of your parents house then you are where you need to be.. I am all for waiting to move in and all that other stuff until you get married, but every situation is different.. As long as this is a commited relationship and he's not just taking advantage of you and getting the milk for free so he doesn't have to buy the cow.. Just live for you and everything will work themselves out around you.. You can't live for everyone else

Answer 8

No, you are not a bad person. You have got to come to terms with what happened to you and leaving with your boyfriend is a solution. If you feel that you are doing the wrong thing by living with your boyfriend than you should pray about it and work something else out. I got married when I was 20 years old and I do not regret it. If you are ready than go for it.I am not here to judge you because I do not know the problem but I will be praying for you. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you. Hugs

Answer 9

Of course not, you are not a bad person. But getting married wont make things worse, just go for it and you will feel better with God and yourself. All you have to wait on having children, that you might not be ready. Have a simple ceremony to have you married and in the future plan a good wedding, it really doesn't matter. But living in fornication I do not recommend, cause if you know the word of God that condemn that sin, then do the right thing. If you love the man, why not go for it, what do you have to loose but your soul in sin if God comes tonight or you die today. You don't know when death will approach us, it happens in a blink of an eye. Don't listen to negative feed back, no one cares for your soul but Jesus Christ. People will criticized even my answer, but we have to go by the word of God, not by men opinions.
But then again, you have a free will, to choose between good or bad. God will never force you to do something you don't feel in your heart. He is a gentleman that respect your privacy, but you will pay the consequences is something happens to you or your boyfriend, both will be judge in the same way.

Who is writing you is a disciple of Jesus Christ.

Answer 10

Why do you want strangers to make this judgment? No one can have any idea what really has been going on in your life or what is going on now. You have to follow your own heart on this. Do what feels right to you. Who cares what people say. Everyone is trying to find their way in this life. Do you know anyone that does not "sin" in one way or another. I don't believe in sin. I don't believe in reward and punishment after this life. You need to learn what works for you and then just try to be the best person you can be. When people throw these negative comments at you why don't you just ignore it or let them know how such a thing makes you feel. This is your life and you have to be responsible for it. Don't allow others to treat you lesser than you are worth.
Love & Light
Sharon
One Planet = One People