Tell me your embarrassing stories or give me jokes?

Question

I really want to laugh right now, so can you guys give me the best embarrassing story or a really good joke? either is fine. lets see what you guys have.

Answer 1

umm.. yo momma so old.. when i looked at her yearbook, i saw moses... I OWN U!.. lol

Answer 2

All Blondes

Two blondes are walking down the street, when one notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!".
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says "You Dummy ! It's me !!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... W!"

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree !! I swerved to the left and there was ......"
"Uh, ma'am" said the officer, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.
The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and the dents would pop out.
So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
Her roommate saw her and asked, "What the heck are you doing?" She told how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...... "Uh, HELLO !!! You need to roll up the windows first!!"

A blonde's doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, ... from skipping"

Answer 3

Years ago I worked at a gas station and observed a good looking woman trying to figure out how to use the gas pump. So, I proceeded to go outside and upon approaching her I said with out hesitation "would you like me to pump your A** for you" OMG!!!! I was so embarrassed but she just laughed and said "well you are working so it would be a bad time for you to do that to me". She became a regular customer from that day forward.

Answer 4

Two blonds walk in to a building. You would think one of them would have seen it.
A skeleton walks in to a bar. He orders a beer...... and a mop.
A guy walks in 2 a bar he orders a beer drinks it straight down and looks in his pocket. He sits their about 5 minutes and the bar tener asks "you want another ?" The guy say sure and a shot of Jack Danial's. He drinks them right down and looks in his pocket.and asks the bartender for another beer and a double shot of Jack . The bartender brings them he drinks them right down and looks in his pocket.The bartender says i usually don't ask no one nothing but I cant help myself.Why do you look in your pocket after every drink? the guy says I got a picture of my wife in there when she looks good I'm going home!

Answer 5

i am a blonde, so i have a right to say these:

two blondes run into a bar.
you'd think one of them would have noticed.


a blonde was doing a puzzle. she worked and worked and worked, until finally got so frustrated, that she called her fiance. "honey?" she says, " i've been doing this puzzle for hours, but it looks nothing like the box!!!"
"okay dear" the man replied "i'll take some wine over, and try to help you with the puzzle."
a couple of minutes later, her fiance came in to see a very distraught blonde.
"baby," he said "let's open this bottle of wine, and i'll help you put the lucky charms back into they're box."

this is about canada, but a canadian person told it to me, so you can't call it offensive

the founding fathers of canada, were in the middle of deciding a name for their nation. all the good names were taken, so they finally decided to put the letters of the alphabet into a hat, and draw out the letters one at a time to spell the new name.
the man takes out the letters:
C, eh?
N, eh?
D, eh?
and canada was born!

Answer 6

Jesus walks in to a roman hotel. goes up to the clerk puts 3 nails on the counter and says i want u guys to put me up for the night.

ur momma so ugly she walked into a beauty parlor and it took her 3 hours just to get an estimate

ur momma so fat she has to iron her clothes on the driveway

Answer 7

Don't try to mess with an angry beaver while your swimming you'll never know what might come up missing.

Answer 8

ur momma so stupid she stoled a free sample