tell me a joke so we all can read them and laugh. we can start a collection ?

Question

jokes ? all are wellcome no joke off limets.

Answer 1

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station
that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien
became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said,
"I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his
greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived
to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not
ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to
do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his
weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards
them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him
a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained
consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened
his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien
who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so
dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his
crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned
during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis
he can wrap around himself and then stick it in his ear,
you REALLY don't want to mess with him!"

Answer 2

So... there's this guy who's going through a mid-life crisis. So he goes and buys a new, fast sports car. After work one day, he decides to hit the open road and see what this new car can do. Off he goes... 50... 55... 60... 65... faster and faster he goes.. all the way up to a decent 110. All of the sudden he sees flashing red and blue lights in his mirror. Great. A Cop. The cop pulls him over and says "Look, it's Friday night, I have a date and I was on my way back in when I saw your dumb *** speeding. I've heard all the excuses in the book, so if you can give me an original, I'll let you go this time" So the guy thinks for a few seconds and then turns to the cop "You see Officer, my wife just left me for a Cop a few weeks ago. I though you were trying to return her!"

Answer 3

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and NASCAR 6.0. I can't seem to keep Wife
1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on
Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a
Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete
Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
purge the program files from the system once Installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0
comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5
and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the
system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to
improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt
3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Answer 4

There are 3 guys in a car, a black guy, a mexican, and a puerto rican. Whos driving the car?

The police.



Whats the speed limit for sex?


68 because at 69 you have to turn your *ss around.

Answer 5

Alphabet Fun

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like '***' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, ******' Rat!"

Answer 6

yo mams just like a bowling ball gets picked up fingered and thrown to the gutter!

Answer 7

what do you get when a polock and a chicano, procreate?
A kid who spray paints his name on a chain link fence

Answer 8

yo mommas jus likje texas--Big and full a mexicans

Answer 9

Don't look here for a joke .......look in your hand! NOW you can laugh!

Answer 10

what do you call four drowned mexicans.........

cuatro sinko