How do I look for someone who was given up for adoption over 30 years ago?

Question

my mother in law gave her daugther up for adoption over 30 years ago when life was hard and she could not afford to look after her. But she has never forgiven herself for doing it and she has never given up hope of trying to find her. She has been emotionally and mentally affected over the last 30 odd years over this. She has got drunk, cried herself to sleep at nights and she just wants to put some sort of 'closure' to this painful chapter of her life and to meet the daughter she unwillingly gave up all those years ago. She apparently heard from someone that since it was her who gave the baby up in the first place, she does not have any rights to look for her. If her daughter decided that she wanted to be reunited with her mother, then only she has the right to look for her mother. How true is this and how can I go about helping her fulfil her life-long dream? Please help me!

Answer 1

I placed a child for adoption 14 years ago, myself, so I can understand what she's going through. As for finding her daughter, she has the right to search but she needs to be prepared for the fact that her daughter has the right to decide whether or not she wants to meet her. Also, many states now have registries where birth parents and adopted children can sign up (and they are mostly retroactive, so no matter when the child was placed, they can use the registry). The way these registries work, if both sign into it, a meeting will be arranged and they usually provide some sort of counciling before a meeting occurs. Have her check with the state or if she went through an agency, with the agency she placed through and they should be able to tell her if that exists in that state. Also, 30 years ago, they just expected the birth mothers to just give up their children and "go on with their lives". This being next to impossible for most of us, I'd suggest that whether she looks for or not, finds her daughter or not, she get some therapy so that she can better deal with the grieving she's been going through for the last 30 years.

Answer 2

I wouldn't put too much info (names etc)on here, you're going to get a quite few nuts answering you. Yahoo Groups have some adoption, search an reunion groups, they're a wealth of info for searches. Or try typing 'adoption search', which returns masses of sites. Beware though, some charge you and if they'er genuine they shouldn't. Some of the better ones are

http://members.tripod.com/~jlightkeeper/adoption.html
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/9606/
http://adoption.about.com/od/searchandreunion/p/adoptionsearch.htm
http://www.adopteesearch.info/

these are presuming you're in the US. There are as many in UK through the same search method.

If I can offer only one word of advice it's caution. Take things slowly, be prepared for a lot of disappointments during an emotional ride. Keep an open mind and remember that the person you hope to find is just an ordinary human being, not a fairy tale princess any more that her birth mother is. Difference between mother and mum - the (birth)mother doesn't have any rights or claim to the child (not even the right to search here in UK) and the (adoptive)mums feelings should always be respected. Good luck in your search, I hope you're successful

Answer 3

First off, check with the hospital the chld was born in. If she went through an agency or an attorney check that out. Look for any legal documents that she might of had. SEarch on the internet.
Find family or nurses that were around when she delieverd. Search the newspapers around that time of the birth.
Find internet sites about doing a search for a birth child.

I have an adopted daughter and she is my heart and love.
Tell your mother-in-law that her child most likely has a very happy family who loves her child.
Encourage and support your mother in law in her search.

Answer 4

I was given up for adoption, and my mom found me after 28 years. It takes a lot of dedication and commitment to do a search. Whoever told her that only the child has the right is full of BS! I will say however, that all reunitings do not go smoothly, but definately Mom should get some closure. Help her look for her baby! I can help if you want to contact me?!

Answer 5

don't let her beat herself up things were different then hopefully the child had a good upbringing ,and understands what it was like then, i was adopted 54years ago when mothers didn't get any help and i hold no grudges i am looking for my birth mother now, she can put herself on a list saying she wants to be found,get in touch with the adoption centre who adopted her daughter out make that her first move, they will be helpfull the law has changed a lot , well good luck to you and your friend hope she finds her daughter , your a good friend.there are bullitin board's out there ,go to ;nicolayeomans bullatin board.

Answer 6

The law relating to this is different in diferent countries.
See a lawyer, the Family Court Welfare Service, or ask advice from the British Association for Adoption and Fostering.
It is hard I know, but if you start out knowing exactly what the legal situation is, it is more likely to come to a satisfactory conclusion.

Answer 7

I believe that to be true, however, I believe that your mother in law can request that a letter be held on file and should her daughter ever make enquiries into her adoption, she would then be given the letter. Perhaps a bit of family information regarding any other children, perhaps also a bit of information on your families health, an old photo, or an updated photo of the mother in law. Good luck

Answer 8

Well, this is some what true if the adoption was an open adoption then she has all rights to look for her but if she just gave her up to someone and it was a closed adoption then she has very minimal rights she could only do what you are doing now.

Answer 9

first try find out where they were born and go to the registars office for that district and they will point you in the right direction to the local goverment records office,they will hold the adoption numbers and papers of there name they use now,its a start for you, and there are web sites b4u search,adoptions,friends reunited etc you can place ads on there as well.good luck

Answer 10

Have her go through the national adoption registry. If the mother wants her to contact her, they will help her find her. The registry stays open for 99 yrs. So if at any time she has registered, they will tell her.