I need help with my husband?

Question

My husband has a drinking problem. He is a binge drinker and feels that because he is not up at 6am with the shakes that he does not have a problem. He recently had an injury caused during a night out drinking and he still wants to drink! (he just had major surgery because of this injury) We have a young son and I do NOT want him picking up on any of this and I know he will. (I grew up around addicts) I have asked him to get help and he feels he can do it on his own. I have even went as far as telling him that I would quit with him if that would make it easier. I am doing everything I can imagine to be as supportive as possible and it is getting me nowhere. I am pissed and don't know what else to do. I HATE ultimatums, but have told him that I will leave and take our son in order to prevent further harm to myself or my son. He is not physical or anything, but a belligerent as*hole, and who should have to put up with that? Any suggestions as to what to do next? I really need some help..

I want to make it very clear here that my son is my absolute first priority. He in no way deserves this. I certainly don't want to tear our family apart, but will if necassary. It is a serious decision that could affect the rest of my life and my son's life. I don't want to be a single mom, but will be if I have to be. I just want him to get some friggen help, and I feel crushed and so angry, like my life is falling apart. I feel like exploding because I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. I have offered to do AA, (am starting Alanon this week) as well as some counseling for myself, as he is not willing to go. I just needed some feedback from other people, I just feel alone, and I knwo I shouldn't, but I do....

Answer 1

It will get worse before it gets better. He really needs to seek professional help. Marriage is for life, however, if only one is willing to make it work, it may be wise to seperate, stay with family members or a trust-worthy friend. Your child shouldn't be in an invironment that is detrimental to his growth. Maybe when your husband sees that you are serious he will take the initiative to seek help. Remember, he will never get better until he recognizes that he in fact has a drinking problem. Place it all in the hands of the creator and follow the spirit. Blessings to you.

Answer 2

I was in that spot myself years ago. I do feel for you! You've got a couple of choices. 1) Contact a lawyer to find out what rights you have and what you can & can't do. Don't let him know what you are doing. Give him x amount of days to get himself to a Dr. for help or you will leave (if possible, attend the Dr's appointment with him and go in with him). At the end of x amount of days - if no acknowledgement from him that he has a problem & wants to fix it - leave (as heartbreaking as it is - if there is an accident you could loose everything you have plus your own life and your son's). REMEMBER - This is an illness and could be combined with depression as well. 2) The other option is hardest - Stay with him. There will be fights in front of your child, the police will probably pick him up for drunk driving (the cost is terrible) plus the embarrasement you will live with in having family & friends finding out, the gut wrenching worry everytime he's out, etc, etc.Either one is a hard decision but you need to think about you and that precious child!

Answer 3

I am guessing that you are probably in your late teens or early 20s? I can only respond from my past experience with my 1st husband. Our daughter was an infant and he was going out on Friday nights to booze it up with his derelict friends. That weekend I sat him down and did give him an ultimatum - and it did work. But the way I see it is that some people don't want to grow up or don't know how to respect themselves and others. If you are still holding on for love sake - then maybe it is time to give that up- if he doesn't respect or care enough (for you or your son) to change his ways then you are wasting your life & time. I really do hope that he gets help with his drinking addiction but maybe he needs to feel the effect of a boundary - which would be you shutting him out of your life. A person will carry on with bad behavior until someone makes him pay for it in a very matter- of -fact and definte way.

Answer 4

it is possible that an "intervention" might help, but unlikely. People with addictions can only deal with them when they decide they want to.

However, if you are determined to try and rescue him - a variation on co-dependency and you have that in your background - then you might ask close friends and family to surprise him with a serious visit. you should be ready for an angry response, however. You can look up "intervention" on the net to get ideas about how this is done.

Ultimately, you will probably need to make alternative plans. If he can't stop and doesn't wish to, then you have to do something else. Your basic opinions are correct. You might want to get a counselor to help YOU with this - not a religious person, but a good family counselor. It will be very hard.

Answer 5

First - take care of your son. Children raised around addicts tend to stay in an addiction cycle - yourself is a perfect example. Break the cycle. I don't condone divorce, but the safety and mental health of your child is at risk. Addicts put their habits first. Get counselling for yourself, you need it so you won't repeat the cycle again. Follow through with your ultimatum. His belligerence is just as harmful to your son as hitting him. Your son will grow up with damaged self-esteem, guilt and a bad role model on how to deal with problems.

Answer 6

Have you tried suggesting that you go see a counselor together to weigh in on this? Sometimes if a person gets to talk with you on a subject in front of someone else they won't feel like they ALONE are being pushed into admitting a fault because both sides will be told. If he won't agree to this and keeps claiming that he will quit on his own, but obviously doesn't, I wouldn't put up with it and just keep threatening, I WOULD leave. You can give him his chances and, like you said, do everything in your power to help AND be supportive, but if he's just taking advantage of your care and not doing anything with himself that's BS. If he can't even think about his effect on the kid he has his priorities messed up and won't change them unless he really gets help, and maybe it'll take you leaving to understand that he really needs to do it, especially if you offered to do it with him.

Answer 7

Right now you need to get yourself some help....i mean you. You are in a terrible situation and very confused. Get councilling. Talk with your doctor about the type of therapy that you need. I am not saying that you are mental or anything. I am just saying that you need to work on you self esteem....because it is probably at an all time low. You need to do what is best for your child and you and right now you are confused.
Unfortunately i really don't think that you can help your husband unless he wants to help himself. He could start doing it for you but for it be be successful it needs to be for himself and he isn't there yet. So, work on you and when you are ready you will do what is best for you and your child. Whatever your choice is, it will have to be one that you have to live with and only answer to your child....no one else.

Answer 8

i feel that u r doing the right thing in telling that u will leave that is in the best interest of ure son i say that if u make any life changing decisions on this to make sure that ure son benefits from it the last thing you want is ure son growing up without a father.

Answer 9

You leave UNLESS you want ur son to be like him. Alot of ppl stay in "wrong' relations thinking it's ok but it IS NOT ok when you have kids involved. They learn from their parents. You set them up for "falls" all of their lives it's UNFAIR. Women who get beat and have kids either the boys grow up thinking its ok OR the grls grow up thinking its ok to let a man do that. WHY? because we taugt them it was ok. You should either leave or get help through alanon. I mean if your not going to take him out of the situation AT least get him the kind of help he will need to grow up normal and happy

Answer 10

My best friend died of a high liver count in Jan., he was in extremely good conidition, but drank excessively from time to time. I wish I would have told him to stop or slow down. He was a great guy: I didn't intervene and he is dead, I miss him dearly, everyday.

His 8 year-old daughter refused to go to his funeral because she didn't want to say "good-bye" to her daddy.

That hurt her so bad, she will carry it for the rest of her life.

Now show your husband the second paragraph in this response and tell him it could easily be him and his son.