Teens and young people answer this please.?

Question

I have been a marriage/relationship counselor for 20 years.

I recently counseled someone in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, 20 years younger.

He is 39 and she is 19. I seem to think it is morally and ethically wrong and told him so.

Wait! before you judge me (OR NOT--Or make a decision)

Here are my reasons:
1. Why is this man who is 39 dating a 19 year old. Can't he date someone his own age?
2. Why is a girl (young Lady) who is only 19 years old dating a man twice her age.
3. The age difference may not seem like much now, but they want to get married. In ten years she will be 29 years young and he 49. In 15 years she will be only 34 BUT he will be 54 years old, almost 60!

I just feel that someone of this age has seen much more in this world and is well experienced in Life and able to take advantage of a 19 year old quite easily.

Young people, I'm curious, tell me what you think. I want to get a feel for what young people are thinking

Answer 1

i am 15 and i think that he likes her only for her looks and is taking advantage of her for example looking for sex... it wont work their 20 years apart an entire generation apart she will end up heart broken for no good reason at all

Answer 2

Well, I tell you what. I have a degree in Psychology and I'm aware of all the age things. And until 3 years ago I was married to a woman my age, before that I was "dating" girls of all kind of ages. When I was younger it was cool to have an older partner.
Well, now I am in love with an older woman. She is 51 and I am 29. I think it id hard and I thought about my son, who is 1 year old, not with my now wife, but with a girlfriend I had a year and a half ago. But love is where it is. And I admit, I'm still thinking what will be later, but if you always keep thinking about later, what happens to your now?
I don't know if I wanna be there when my wife is 80 and I'm 50 and she needs to have help all the time.. But I may don't even live that long. I may die before she does. I may need help before she does, and if I am faced with that then you have history and you will do what feels right. Until then, enjoy and learn, every relationship is a learning process, why do you think people can't learn from an older partner?
We all just think about the sexual part of it, thinking that there is this old guy who is getting all night long this young girl...when a younger man dates an older women, it's just because of the money from her previous marriage.....
- WRONG!
It's neither more or less sex involved than you have with your wife or more or less money issues as you have with your wife.

It's all good!

Answer 3

Unlike some people, I commend you for trying to get a better grasp on the mindset of other people. I can only imagine that seeing many different views would make you a better counselor.
I have never dated someone 20 years older, but I dated someone that was 12 years older. Unfortunately, due to some hardships, I'd been forced to grow up at a very early age. By 18, I'd lived a pretty full life, and by 22 I had been through things (good and bad) that many people will never deal with. Dating an older guy gave me the maturity, stability, and commitment that younger guys frequently lack. As for the reasons he dated me (as he said), it was because I'm was intelligent, mature, confident, open-minded, and fun, which I'm fairly certain are some of the same characteristics any man would consider when picking a woman to date. Hope this helps you some. Good luck.

Answer 4

I think some young girls are intrigued by much older men because older men seem to know more, appear to be more confident, more settled in their lives, and more mature. Some people believe that these girls who go for older men are lacking a "father figure" in their lives, but I think that theory is bunk because I know plenty of young girls who had great father figures but nonetheless are still enchanted by older men for some reason. (I'm in my mid 20's and most of my friends are the same age as me and I recall that when we were all 20 and 21, those of my friends who went for much older guys were usually the ones who matured very quickly in their own lives for some reason or other and they thought older men were more worldly. The other of my friends who dated much older guys were the daring/alternative type of girls who just wanted something different from the run of the mill average 20 something year old guy.)
In any event, I absolutely agree with you in that the 39 year old has the upper hand in this relationship with the 19 year old. If it were 29 and 49, it would still be kind of out of the ordinary but it wouldn't make me flinch as much as 19 and 39. This situation sounds perfectly ripe for the 39 year old to take full advantage of the 19 year old and scar her for life! It's just freakin weird! I mean if it were Hollywood, ok, maybe. But for everyday people, it's a bit too odd! I mean doesn't the guy feel pervy? If I were a 39 year old guy, I'd feel so damn pervy getting it on with a 19 year old!

Answer 5

Its very possible that she is young and naive and he is taking advantage of her. There is no logical reason a 39 yr old man should have any type of intimate relationship with a 19 yr old girl. The girl could be suffering from a cognitive deficit (lack of parental upbringing) and unwittingly seeking and older male father figure as a lover because that's something she never had as a child. I'm 22 and just the thought of dating someone 42 makes my skin crawl. Its just nasty! I wouldn't want to be in my 30's changing my child's diapers and my husband's diapers at the same time. Its almost like mental child molestation. Even though she is 19 and considered an adult, compared to him she is a child.

Answer 6

well, I'm a tad older than a teen but since I'm in college, (and planning on going into something along the lines of counseling) I think I still apply; Um, from the details you gave me, if this guy is anywhere near attractive he's probably very good at wooing women (equivalent to what this young lady's used to dealing with, i.e. highschool and so on) if she has confidence issues that could also have something to do with it, knowing that a "mature man" is interested in her. honestly I would talk to the young lady in private, (if you haven't already) and ask her if she's slept with him. if she has, that's almost a complete explanation, considering how a 39 yr. old man would have much more experience at bringing a woman to "peaks" shall we say, then a insecure highschool jock. if you haven't already, see if you can pull a few strings and run a background check on the guy, find out if he's done anything like this before.
honestly, if they were going to stay at their current ages forever, I wouldn't find it wrong, but when she's 39 and he's nearing 60 I would bet there would be regrets.
hope that helped.
-The Raven

Answer 7

I think that BECAUSE he is experianced in life that yes he can make a 19 year old feel special and he can give her the emotional support that many immature 19 year olds can't. She is probably very mature for her age and is attracted to someone on the same intelectual level as her, but I think that it is very wrong because she is so young. I know it's legal but she should live the single life and explore her options and see that there ARE mature guys her own age.

Answer 8

Well i completely agree with you, because there is a huge age difference between my parents and even though they have been married for a long time, they argue a lot and really don't have anything in common. They are together because of cultural beliefs, but seeing how their relationship is, i would say that the 19 year old girl could regret it when she is older, becuase at 19 your still getting to know yourself.

Answer 9

I thought you presented your question very well.

I think that there is nothing really "wrong" with it I guess, but that they will be making a very hard life for themselves. he is much older and more experienced, and so I wonder about the issue of having children, and just being raised in differnet generations, the different views on important issues they must have; I could see it being a very ahrd marriage; not to mention other peoples opinions of seeing a 30 somthing woman married to a 60 something man, but if they can take it, and can make it work, and she is not naive and being manipulated, then I guess love is a wonderful thing that works in mysterious ways.

Answer 10

I am 19 years old. I can understand you view on that.
I have to wonder what on earth a 19 year old and 39 year old could possibly have to talk about other than sex and money?

I completely agree with your view that it is morally wrong for them to be in this relationship. They must still be in that "honeymoon" phase new couples go through. And her parents? I bet they are appauled....

I just don't think that they have any business it this because sooner or later she is going to realize that she wasted her young years on an old man! And he's going to begin to resent her because she is as emotionally mature as he should be (although i have serious doubts on his part).

Let's hope this is a mid-life thing for him, and temporary insanity for her....

I hope this helps..

Answer 11

Well it's amazing that they even have anything in common. You'd think they would be at two completely different places in their lives. I'm not sure how I feel about that though, I've never been in that position, which makes it hard to judge others for it. Or even have any opinion about it. I'm 21 years old, by the way. I don't seem to be much help, sorry. : (