How much time should family be allowed to visit with the 1st grandchild?

Question

My mother and my wife's parents live in the same city. My wife doesn't want anyone helping her after the baby is born since her mother can't help anyways and my mom has been mean to her in the past.

Her parents will probably only stop by on the weekend for a few hours, and we are happy with this since its not too much and we like them.

But we really don't want my mom over more than 2 hours a week tops. She has already talked about how she plans to stop by every other day for hours and even wants to rearrange her work schedule.

My wife was horrified, and I was not happy about this.

How do I explain to her we only want her over 2 hours a week? This is her 1st grandbaby and I know she is over excited but she is stressful to be around.

HELP!!

Answer 1

Welcome to Hell.

Marriage is tough enough: you suddenly have a slew of new relatives who you have to see at family occasions and visit from time to time.

Now you have entered Phase 2: "Grandchildren - Your Business or Theirs?"
Grandparents feel that they have a say in how their grandkids are raised. They will tell you what they think you are doing wrong, and they will claim visitation rights non-stop --- except when you NEED them to watch the kids, because you want to have romantic weekend alone. That's when grandma is too busy to be a babysister.

You have to tell them gently that you appreciate their company and their help, but you want to try to do things on your own, so you can learn to be good parents like they are. And tell them that you are convinced that the only good way to do this is through trial and error.

And if they voice an opinion on how you are raising your kid, just say "Thank you for the advice. We'll do that", then ignore what they said. After all, the best way to learn is not by taking their advice, but through trial and error...

Answer 2

I understand your wife wanting to take care of the baby all by herself. All the grandparents are forgetting that, not only is this the first grandbaby, it's also YOUR first baby too.

So, what to do? You should lay down rules and make sure EVERYONE adheres to them. Maybe have a group meeting before the baby arrives and invite all family members & friends who might visit.

When your mom insists on coming over, tell her she has to call first. Your wife may have to do a lot of call screening but it will be better than your mom just popping in. Tell her NOT to rearrange her work schedule as you and your wife don't know what schedule the baby will be on and it's very important for your wife to have "alone time" when the baby is asleep-maybe to write "thank you" notes, shower, get caught up on stuff, or sleep too!!

Next rule, no more than "one" visitor at a time. No doubt you'll have friends and other relatives who will want to visit. Make sure EVERYONE knows that only one friend (or couple or pair of friends) are allowed over at one time. If someone else is visiting, no mom.

When your mom does come over, put her in charge of the housework. Have her clean the kitchen, sweep, mop, cook a meal or two, clean the bathroom, take out the trash. It may sound harsh but, your wife really will need this help, esp. if you go back to work. If your mom doesn't like it, she'll stop coming over on her own. If she says she'll watch the baby so your wife can do these things (she'll probably say she did all that stuff w/o help when she was raising you), tell her that that's not the way your family works. Tell her your wife needs to rest and focus on bonding w/your baby.

Make sure everyone, not just your mom, follows these rules too. It will really keep your wife's (and yours, in turn) stress levels down!

I hope you get lots of good suggestions! Congratulations on becoming a daddy!
God bless you, your wife, and your new child!

Answer 3

Instead of setting a time limit right off the bat with your mother. You tell her something like, since this is your first and you don't know how your wife will be feeling and such, she should always call before coming over. Tell her it is in case your wife and the baby are napping or something. That way when she calls your wife has the option of saying whether it is a good time or not. If your mom refuses to follow the rules then you can tell her that she can only come over at certain times and then when she get there, if your wife becomes tired or anything after a short visit, she can say, the baby and I need a rest, could you come back at another time and then give her a time or day to return. Good Luck.

Answer 4

I would not tell your mom outright that she can only come over 2 hours a week. This would just cause hard feelings. I would mention that you know she is very excited about the baby, as you and your wife are. Tell her that you want time together as a new family, and that you don't mind her visiting, but to please call ahead to make sure that it is convienient. It's a sticky situation. For the first few weeks you can get by by telling her that your wife is sleeping, or the baby is collicky and fussy, and you guys just need some quiet. Hopefully, she won't interfere too much. If she does, don't be afraid to tell her how it is, nicely the first time. Remember, this is your family and you need top have time alone. But also keep in mind that this is her first grandchild. Good luck!

Answer 5

Oh God,

TAKE HER UP ON THE OFFER!!

Honestly, you may feel like you don't want or need it now...but she will be a godsend those first few weeks. I assume this is your first child, since I felt the same with my first. Now, I know I want anyone who wants to help - to help!

My mother in law offered to come and stay a month - from India. We have had our share of problems believe me. She greeted me at the airport screaming and crying 'Pain' because my husband had married me. She took the flowers I gave her and threw them on the ground and literally through a temper tantrum in the middle of Cleveland Hopkins Airport. It was an unslightly three month visit (yes, they lived with us the entire time).

HOWEVER, I would gladly take her help the next time.

My mom came over during the day to help us. My husband did not like my mom and didn't want her staying. However, I said I will need some help. So, she did.

She scrubbed my house from top to bottom. Cooked meals. Did laundry, vaccumed, polished, dusted - everything for us. By the end of that week my husband didn't want her to leave. He said, "I love your mom!" It was nice having her come by at lunch - she would bring me lunch and watch baby while I showered. Then, ,she'd clean and make dinner.

Believe me, a grandbaby changes everything.

Let her help for a few hours during the day.

If it doesn't work - it doesn't work. You are an adult and can tell her it isn't working because xyz. She will understand.

Answer 6

I used to feel the same way that my children were mine and I didn't need help. Plus I never really got along with my mom but now that they are here I thank heavens for my mom and all the help she gives me. Also is it really fair to the baby to not have grammie because of bad blood between grown ups? Try to be civil if she can do the same you will probably be happy you did. Good luck and congratulations

Answer 7

Lots of people answering here have given some excellent advice about laying down rules and explaining things to the grandparents.

the part that i'd like to cover with this answer is one that is a red flag: "... and my mom has been mean to her in the past. " This to me indicates some form of verbal, emotional or psychological abuse. Your wife, and indeed you, don't deserve this type of abuse. The fact that your wife is horrified about the idea of your mother being around the house for any lenght of time indicates to me that this might be a natural aversion to verbal/emotional abuse by her mother-in-law. People naturally act in such a way to avoid pain, to avoid attacks to their dignity, and to avoid returning to a situation where they'll be vulnerable to such. Your wife wants to limit time with her m-i-l.

Please get for your wife a copy of the book "Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage" by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier (HarperCollins). This book, if nothing else, gives good information about what is acceptable in behaviour and what crosses the line into being abusive. "Toxic Parents" is another good one too, by the same author, about adults recovering from emotional abuse/control by their parents.

good luck!

Answer 8

You may think you don't want or need the help now, but after this baby is born and you aren't getting the sleep you are used to you may change your mind. I wouldn't make a big deal of it now, wait see how things go, then if she is coming by moer than you like I'd let her know.

Answer 9

Now that you're all grown up and parents, your relationship with your parents changes. Be upfront with the mom and explain your reasons, explaining also that things might change and you hope she will be available if you need extra help. If the mom does not comply with what you've set out for her, explain it again and again until she gets it. She will.

Answer 10

Lay the ground rules at the beginning. She may be huffy for a while, but she will get over it. You never know...your wife may need the help after all...