Pretty funny joke?

Question

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Answer 1

I love it! But I hope you love these jokes too!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

WEIRD FACT OF THE DAY: The largest apple pie ever baked was forty by twenty three feet.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY: In 1919 1st issue of NY Daily News published.

BORN ON THIS DAY: In 1956 - Chris Isaak (actor: Little Buddha, Silence of the Lambs, Married to the Mob, Twin Peaks; singer, songwriter: Wicked Game, Blue Hotel, LP: Silvertone).
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So there was an american, a black guy and a mexican that found a genie who granted them each a wish. The black guy asked that he and all of his brothers in America be taken back to their homeland of Africa, so the genie did it. The mexican asked that all of his people in America be brought back to their homes in Mexico, so the genie did that as well. Then the american said: "So you mean to tell me that all of the blacks and mexicans are gone?" and the genie replied "Yeah"; so the american said "Well then i'll have a coke."

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A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom.
I'm going
to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think
I may be in
with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the
young man leaves. He soon returns and says, "Give me
another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very
cute too. She always crosses her legs in a
provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might
strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as
the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on,
give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is
still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think
she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right
and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head
and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank
you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even more surprised than the
others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a
pharmacist!"


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what do you call a mexican babtism??????????




"bean"dip


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A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''


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The Day I Died

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first
man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out
onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man
hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a
hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some
bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony
and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack,
and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well,
sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and
slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my
fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then
the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


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A proffesor was teaching students about 2 important concepts on being a doctor. First, you need to NOT be freaked out about the natural human body. So he stuck his finger into the dead body he just have unwrapped and sucked on it. "Now you try." he told the wide-eyed students. They stood back awhile and finally took turns sticking a finger into the rotting butt and sucking on it. "Now," said the professor, "the second thing is observation. How many of you guys saw me stick my middle finger in and sucking the index finger?"


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Two people was drinking beer in a bar when suddenly one of the drinker turned to the other and said, "Did you know that if I jump off this tower (they bar was on top of a building,) I will be swept back into this building again by the winds?" "Are you nuts?" yelled the other drinker, "You'll fall and die!" "Look, I'll prove it," said the other guy as he stood up. He went to the egde of the window and jumped off. Sure enough, he was swept by the wind and blew him back into the bar."Oh my gosh-" he said, "I still don't believe it-that was just luck.." "Here, I'll prove it again..." So the man walked into the edge of the window and jumped off. Once again, he was swept back into the bar by the powerful wind. "I guess I'll try..." he finally said. So the guy shakily walked up to the edge of the window and jumped off. He went falling...falling...falling until he hit the sidewalk with a SPLAT! Soon, the bartendar came out of the restroom and asked, "Hey, man-where'd the other guy go? He needs to pay his drinks!" when the bartendar knew that he wasn't getting his answer, he found out what the other drinker had done. "You did it again, eh? Well, you could be a real jerk if you're drunk, Superman."



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old man sits down to have lunch at the mall and noticed a young man sitting across from him with a mohawk of every color.

The young man kept on noticing the old man starring finally getting pissed asked the old man WHAT you ain't ever did anything crazy in your life.

The old man replies yeah got drunk one night ****** a peacock and was wondering if you were my son.


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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved
a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the
whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead
as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."



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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."



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What did the doctor say to the blonde who claimed
"It hurts everywhere I touch"?
"Your finger is broken."

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished
the jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?
Because it said "from 2-4 years" on the box.

How did the blonde burn her ear?
She was ironing and the phone rang.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.

Why did the blonde wear a condom on each ear?
She was afraid of getting hearing AIDS.

Why did the blonde sell her car?
She needed gas money.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.

Why did the blonde bring sandpaper on her trip to the desert?
She thought it was a map.

Why did the blonde ask to have her pizza cut into 6 slices instead of 12?
She didn't know if she could eat 12 slices.

How did the blonde explain her helicopter crash?
"It was getting cold, so I turned off the ceiling fan."

How do blondes brain cells die?
Alone.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


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Manners, Poop, and Shut up were walking down the street.
Then, Poop fell down. Shut Up went to the hospital.
the nurse asked "what is your name?" he said, "Shut Up"
"Where are your manners"said the nurse

"He is outside picking up Poop!"

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George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved YOU from drowning!"



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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman
said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an
Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay,
because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for
me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her
second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's
okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired
about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."





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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, when the anniversary fairy appeared.

"I will give you any anniversary gift you wish"

"Oh", said the wife, "I would like to go on a cruise!"
The husband said, "Me Too, but with a woman 30 years younger!"

So the fairy turned the man to age 90!

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There were a blonde, a burnett and a redhead walking along the woods when the blonde had to go to the restroom. Since that place was all natural and stuff, there was no toilets and the blonde was forced to do her buisness behind a nearby bush. Suddenly, the burnett and the redhead spotted a dead deer and decided to play a little trick on the blonde. What they did was that they took out the organs out of the deer and placed it beneath the blondes bottom when she wasn't looking. And tip toeing they went, giggling on the joke they have just made. After a few minutes, they heard a scream. Then the blonde came out of the bush. "What happened... we... heard... a scream..." the burnett and the redhead said, trying their hardest not to laugh. "Oh, I pooed so hard that I pooed my organs out also. But thank goodness to my index finger, I shoved them back in..."


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There were three guys who were stuck in a cay when a fairy came out and squealed, "I'll give you 1 wish for each of you.." So the first man said, "I wish I was smart," so he became a redhead and swam back to shore. The second guy said, "I wish I was smarter then him!" so he became a burnett and carved a boat and paddled off to shore. The third guy said, "I wish was smarter than both of them!!" so he became a women and crossed a bridge to shore.

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There were a blonde, a burnett, and a redhead traveling in the dessert when they found a geenie. "I will grant each of you a wish."it said, "but you need to say something that is true about yourself in order for your wish to come true. If what the things you have said about yourself is false, you shall die." "ok." all three answered lightly. The redhead went first and said.."I think.... my hair is red!" so she ran off with a million dallors. The burnett went next and said, "I think...my hair is brown!" so she ran off with 2 million dallors and a house. So the blondee steped up and said, "I think..." and so, she died.


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A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."



Ha, ha, ha! I'm like a joke Santa Cluas!! Ho ho ho!

Answer 2

Yeah men! the factor is that the different 2 men have paid for the gem stones and jewelery and so have already misplaced the money. the only with the verify will never lose his!!! The shaggy dog tale isn't approximately receiving. this is approximately giving. reliable one!

Answer 3

Good one

Answer 4

that's a good one. Bravo!

Answer 5

thats goofy

Answer 6

hahaha, very good