What should I do?

Question

I have recently found out from my boyfriends ex that they had an abortion. He has never mentioned this. We have a lot of trust issues, he cheated on (2 yrs ago, I just found out about a year ago) me and lied to me. We have been trying to work things through. He has been told if I found out one more lie, we are finished. He promises there i nothing else. I found out from her about this. I have given him a few opportunities to confess without directly asking him, because I do not want to break her confidence. What do I do? I love him, very, very much.

We have recently booked a cruise together to get away from our stress. It cannot be refunded, and no one can go other than the two of us.

I guess my question is- should I confront him with the issue of this abortion?

I thought maybe it was too personal too- but isn't that something you should tell someone you have been with for four years? When me and him first got together I thought I was three monthes pregnant with my ex's child. It turned out I wasn't, but I told him about it later. It wasn't at the time, but I did confess. Shouldn't he honor me with that as well, and no longer lie to me?

I guess I feel like he should confess because he has been lying about it, and when asked if he had ever had an abortion with a previous girlfriend, he told me "No, that is something I would tell you."

The cheating was definatly all him, and all his fault, and instigated by him. I AM wondering why she told me this, and yes Iwould have told him if I had had an abortion. I thought I was pregnant when I met him. I told him.

I'm also going to post this in other forums to get a variable response. I'm very troubled by this.

We already decided if I ever got pregnant we would have an abortion. He knows that it isn't really a sensitive issue with me, since I'm so pro-choice. I feel like it IS my territory, since He has lied about it. I've told him everything about my past, I feel like he should at least repect me enough to tell me the truth. Any truth I have gotten out of him ahs come from someone else first. I'm ready to hear something from HIM.

And it sucks, because I will probably be the one to blow this relationship because I can't leave the past the past. I feel like since I've been honest with him, he should be honest with me.

Answer 1

Maybe the ex is trying to break the two of you up for some reason. You shouldn't automatically assume the worst. I imagine if he did have an abortion in a previous relationship it would be very shameful. And maybe that is why he's keeping it hidden from you. Also, its his right to keep that from you, I would be more concerned about his cheating.

Answer 2

First up, it was the x that told you, how would you know if it was her that was lying or him? Either way - one of them is lying, but is that really the issue? If he confesses or she confesses to lying - will it determine the fate of your relatioship? It is something that was personal and happened between the two of them in a prior relationship to your own and unfortuantely, although we may not like, or agree with, the choices our partner has made in the past, it was still their choice, their relationship, and their private matter to deal with.

I don't necessarily feel that it is his obligation to reveal something of that level to you unless you two had been together at the time, and it meant he had cheated on you. I am completely against abortion, but have many friends who have opted for this choice, do I agree with it? NOT IN THE LEAST! My friendships with them do not hinder on their mistakes or their personal choices though, nor should yours with your bf.

I don't think it's the issue of wether he and her had the abortion or not..it's the issue of trust. What he did b4 you stays b4 you, although it can give some insight to his personality or behaviors. People change, learn from mistakes, and become different people with time. I think the abortion issue needs to be put on the back burner, and the issues of trust and the "here and now" need to be worked on. Decide if you love him enough to leave it in the past, and if you both truly love one another...start a new, start fresh, and be completely honest, open, and upfron about everything that goes on with you 2 starting NOW.....

Answer 3

He probably feels really scared and doesn't really know how you would respond. If you have asked him and he has lied to you there is not much you can do. I would let him know that you love him but a relationship is built on trust and honesty. Then ask him if he has any secrets from you. If he keeps lying then it doesn't sound as if you should stay with him.

Or you can tell him that you love him and that you don't want to ever have secrets from each other, tell him that you want to be open and talk about the past and future. Then tell him something from your past, and tell him you don't know how he will react but you feel you can trust him, and then maybe he will see that no matter what you won't leave him as long as he is honest with you. The past is the past, but you should know his past, but remember no matter what he tells you, you can't get mad at him for his past decisions!

But is his ex a reliable source? Does she still love him? The thing you have to remember in this situation is this is coming from his ex, if she wants him back she might say that so you end it.

Another option is to just be completly honest with him, and let him know that his ex has told you this and you want the truth because at this moment you are upset becuase it seems he is lying to you.

Good luck!!

Answer 4

Girl go on your cruise and have fun and why should he tell you about an abortion he had with another girl obviously its something he did not want its in the past let it go and you forgave him for cheating on you or so you say but it seems you don't trust him so the relationship is in danger there has to be trust and if you really want to hear what he has to say about the abortion stop playing mind games and just ask him about it communication is the only way you are going to get pass this

Answer 5

It is obvious that you have issues of trust. However, it is also obvious that you have a great many insecurities regarding your relationship. If it gives you any comfort you should realize that everyone, and I mean everyone lies. Whether that lie is intended to excuse a behavior, or to cloud an unpleasant truth is the thing that may cause you grief. His feelings on insecurity, much as your own may be what prompts his behavior, though this is no excuse, it is a valid point. No one wants to be caught in a lie, nor do they intend to be. But the trouble with a lie is that it is tends to be expansive, that is it grows as one lie is told to explain another. Until nothing of credibility remains, and only suspicion is left.

You cannot live like that, nor can you allow others to control you in that manner. There is a saying: Who is the greater fool, the fool, or the fool that follows him. A lie is the most egregious form of disrespect, but it is also the defense mechanism used most. Be open in your communications always, and most of all be honest with yourself, you are the only one who truly can be.

Answer 6

The cheating part of the situation is bad, But not telling you about the abortion is not really a lie because may be its something from this past he was trying to forget. The fact that he cheated and you have trust issues tell me you can do alot better, but in the end it's your decision to make and no one can really answer it for you.

Answer 7

Well, losing a child can be something very personal, but it can feel like a betrayl if you hear about it from someone other than him. I don't really know how I feel about this part, but if he cheated on you there is no reason for you to still be with him. Find someone who really appreciates and loves you. If you keep letting him get away with stuff he will walk all over you and lose respect for you. I would say leave him and forget about the cruise, but if you really want to go, and when you get back leave him.

Answer 8

Honey, you have a lot of things to talk about on your [CRUISE].
But it sounds like your man is not very honest and trustworthy.
Do you really want someone like that?
I think that is the real question right now.
It sounds to me like you have just wasted four years of your life with someone who can't open his mouth without lying and who can't be faithful to his partner.
I would go on the cruise and use the time alone with him to talk about everything and make the right decision.
Is he really the person you want to be with for the rest of your life?
And will you trust him enough and not have to wonder about anymore infidelities or lies.

Answer 9

Ok, does the ex know that you have had problems? She could be making this thing up... After all, she's not the one you fell in love with it's him.RIGHT? So, I'd let it go, what difference does it make now anyway? None of us can change our past. It sounds like to me that he is trying to be sincere. Maybe ( IF it happened )he's ashamed of it. I know several people that have had abortions and are in new relationship and over half of their spouses don't know, because they are ashamed of it.

Answer 10

go on the cruise and have a happy time.
the abortion thing was in the past, and really ought to have been a private choice between him and his ex anyway.
he probably learned a lesson from it and let it go.
as far as the cheating...you let him get away with it at that time, so unless he has cheated again I don't see that you have grounds for breaking up now.