Why make such a hurtful comment?

Question

Bit of a long one. I have been with my husband for ten years and married for seven. My children are from a previous relationship. My daughter was 22 and my son was 14 when I met my husband. I already had a grand-daughter who was a few months old at the time (my daughters) so she has known him as her step-grandad ever since (she will be 10 soon). My son, who still lives at home, announced last week that his girlfriend of 6 years is pregnant. I was over the moon and so was my husband. When we were alone and talking about the baby, he said that this one will really feel like his own. At the time, I did make a comment, but the more I think of what he said, the more it hurts. He had never been married before and has no children of his own (I couldn't have any). I just can't understand why he would say this as he has always got on with my children. I'm hurt because I get the impression that this grand child will be treated differently. Am I wrong thinking this way?

Answer 1

I think it is just an unfortunately wrong-worded way of saying something that is understandable from his point of view. Much as I think it likely that he loves and respects all of your kids/grand-kids, to be part of a life from their birth has a deeper effect than those who you meet along the way. I think it shows a deep level of his committment and feeling towards his (adopted) family and you should see this as something joyous. Be happy for him, such connections are rare.

Answer 2

I can relate to this question, and from my personal experience, I don't think you will find my response encouraging, but I will tell you what I have experieneced.

I had my first son out of wedlock. We lived with my parents until I met my husband when my son was 18 months old. We have lived with my husband ever since and he is the only father my son knows. He and I have a son together. My parents treat my first son very differently than they treat my second son. The older boy is constantly invited to spend weekends with "Mamaw" and "Poppy". There have been occasions that my parents have said that my husband and I favor the younger boy, while being blind to the fact that they favor the older boy. I've even had responses from my mom, when I've asked why she doesn't invite the younger boy to stay like, "You know, I'm really trying with him." What the hell does that mean?

I fear that if your husband is already "playing favorites" between the grandchildren, and one isn't born yet, there will probably be some preferential treatment later. To curb this, you just need to step up and include the other grandchild in activities when grandpa is trying not to. Even when the baby is new, the other grandchild and still visit and you can be sure and include her in helping to wash the baby, or picking out an outfit to wear. Keep her involved, and by doing so, hopefully you will encourage your husband to follow in your footsteps.

Good luck!

Answer 3

when keeping it real hurts. you shouldnt be worried that the new baby will be treated any better, that is only natural. I know that being a male, it would take a good while before I became really comfortable and Truly loving to another man's children. I think you are feeling the way you feel because you thought he cared more than what he really did. Im not saying he didn't care but it just would take time. You couldnt expect him to Love Your kids right off the bat. He is really a part of the family now and the new baby just seems like its more of his blood which is why he made the comment. Dont worry, be happy. Its all love in the end.

Answer 4

I think because he helped raise your son (14) when you first got together (but your daughter was already and adult) he may feel that he was more of a father figure to your son than your daughter and thus more of a grandfather to your son's child than your daughter's child. It sounds like he made a freudian slip when he verbalized this. I know blended family dynamics are complicatd because my husband and I both came together as a second marriage for both of us. I still remember my husband saying things that were hurtful regarding his child versus my two. Although our family makeup is different than yours it did seem that my husband was definitiely pitting his daughter against my 2 kids and to this day he takes her side and criticizes my kids more. His daughter can do no wrong (and my kids have picked up on this.) The kids get along great, but there is something my husband is trying to identify with and he can not let our family be whole. Whereas I have alsway treated them equally, mine and his.

I think your husband might feel like he was not as connected until now -because he raised your son from a younger age and now your son is having a baby and he possibly feels like a grandfather now. Don't think you are taking it the wrong way because he did make the statement and I would have interpreted it the same way as you did. Get to the bottom of it without making him defensive. Maybe he does not feel a connection with your daughter's baby for some reason...find out why. But don't sit and harbor your hurt feelings, let him know you are hurt and maybe get to the bottom of how he feels about his relationship with your children (and grandkids)

good luck...talking it through can only improve your realtionship.

Answer 5

This is a tough one. I guess since he had been around your soon all this time and he probaly feels like that is his own kid(which we know its not) and with this new baby coming around and him being there when it is born. He probaly does feel this way. I dont think at this time there is nothing to worry about. Not after time if he is showing a difference in the kids then say you may have a problem. But I think at this time you dont. He probaly feels like a real grand parent even though he has one step already. But you have to relise that he was not around when the other baby was born, he will be for this one. You just have to know where he is coming from. Just set him down and talk to him about it. Make sure he dont treat those kids any different. It will only cause hurt for you and your kids at this point. It will cause some more problems with your grand kids when they get older. Good luck on this one.

Answer 6

I think you are totally taking this the wrong way - if this is the first child that has been born into the family since you and he married, this one probably feels a little more special to him. I think you should be pleased that this grandchild is accepted as one of his own family - he is just excited because he wasn't around when the your first grandchild was born. I don't think for a second he meant that this child would be treated or thought of any differently from your gran-daughter. I think his intention in telling you this one would really feel like his own was meant to reassure you rather than to worry you about his feelings towards your children and grandchildren.

Answer 7

It was probably rather insensitive of him - but I doubt he meant to be hurtful. Your other grandchild was already part of the package when you met, but he will know this child from birth and I can see why that might feel more real to him. I think he was just pointing out the difference, and he wont treat this grandchild any differently from the other. If it is worrying you why don't you have a chat with him about your worries - just approach it gently, not angrily, and I am sure all will be sorted. Families are complicated at the best of times, and step families more so.

Good luck - and congratulations on soon becoming a grandma again!

Answer 8

You said you are hurt because you get the impression that your husband will this grand child diffrerently. Is this really why you are feeling hurt?

Your perspective of what he said means that he is going to be treating this child differently, or if I may put it in other words, he will give this child preferential treatment.

From his perspective, he willhave been here for the beginning of the child's life. He will see this child into the world which could mean that he sees this child as his own seed. Even though he has not brought his own seed into the world, this child could be seen as that experience that he has missed out on.

Your perspective is completely valid and you need to chew on and digest your own thoughts and emotions and wrestle with the aspects that are making you feel uneasy. If not, you will have to live with the symptoms untill you are ready to come up against them.

Answer 9

I can understand why you may be hurt by his comment; but I don't think he meant it that way. He just may feel closer to your son, and thus his child, as he has lived with your son for 10 years, where has your daughter was already an adult when you met him.
I'm sure that he will treat both children equally - it was probably a quick comment whose implications he did not measure.

However, you should calmly tell him what you inferred from his comment and ask what his thoughts really are... better to discuss than let a small miscommunication create a larger problem;

Answer 10

no, guys say some things that were supposed to come out one way and our female minds turn them around into worst case scenario...at least that's how my brain works. I think that the reason he said that is because when he met your daughter she was already grown up and with a baby and he wasn't really bonded with her yet, whereas your son was 14 and still a kid, and he has had many years to spend with your son who isn't already living an adult life. So now that he's been around he probably feels he's had the chance to "raise" your son, and now he's all grown up and having a baby. I can understand why he said that and I'm sure in no way whatsoever did he mean for it to be hurtful, if anything I'd be thrilled that he considers your children "his" he really loves you and cares for all aspects of your life, not just YOU. I grew up with lots of friends who had stepparents that didn't want anything to do with them and I have heard some pretty hurtful things been said to them.

Answer 11

Don't be hurt, think about it from his point of view. He came into the family when it was already established and didn't get to see anyone grow up from a baby on a daily basis. All he means is that he will be able to watch this one grow up like a father likes to see his children do. This one may get treated differently, but it's ok because it will be much younger than any of your children or your other grandchildren.