What do I do with a six- year old child that has a behavior problem?

Question

We have tried everything! We've used time out, taken away special outings, toys, TV or game priveledges. His father is old-school, so we've even used spanking when appropriate. Nothing seems to get to him! He just stares at us and smiles. He's been spitting in people's faces in daycare, and he's done it to his mother and I as well (i'm step-mom). We're all at wits end with this boy and don't know what to do! Has anyone else been through this?

Don't get me wrong, positive behaviors are rewarded, but they are few and far between. I don't have a chance to reward positive behavior - even the littlest things, if there is none.

Answer 1

Hello,
My son is now 20 and he was just like what you are describing. My son was giving the terms of ADHD, PDD, ODD, has problems with authority figures and learning disability. It was not until he was 18 that we found out that he really should have been dx with Autism.
We had to go as far as physcially pinning him when he got mad.
I do not have any friends because they did not understand what is going on with my son.
When my son was little he would laugh at me when I spanked him. He could care less if I took things away from him as well.
School was a night mare, but we found someone that listen and he was put in what they use to call the BD class. He did great. And last year he received his High school depluium.
My son has not been on med's in years. His doctor told us that what is wrong with him meds will not help. At that time my husband and I and my parents(they were living with us at the time) went back to old fashion displaine. I hated it, but I think it also helped him. What I found out that worked for my son is to talk to him at a lower level. I have to think about how I want him to understand it at his level. What we will understand he does not. I have to think of different words that he will understand but also get my point across to him. My best learning toll was tv shows like " Rescue 911" that show tought my son about not playing with fire and why we don't ride our bikes in the road. Kids like this are visual learners.
I do agree to take your child to a doctor to get the dx. This way it opens many different doors for him at school. Make sure you get what they call an IEP for school. And don't let the school think that they know more about your child then you. IF you feel that your child needs help then fight for it.
I have giving two different web sites for you to check out.

My best advise that I can give you that work for me was, do not let him know that what he is doing bothers you. If he knows that spitting makes you mad then he is going to do it. Have him check out for this as well as other things. And everyone has to be on the same page with displaine. That means what happens at mom's house is what happens at dad's house. Everyone needs to work as a team.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions you may email me and we can talk.

Answer 2

Stop using time out. They only cause resentment and are shaming to a child. Time outs are a way for you to control your child but not a way for a child to learn self-control. Time outs and spankings are a punishment, not discipline. Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If he damages something in the home, money comes out of his piggy bank or he earns money doing things around the house to pay for the damages. If he spits at you, take him into the bathroom and tell him to spit in the toilet until he's ready to stop spitting. Let the punishment fit the crime.

Another technique you can try when he is misbehaving is this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (his room, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (listen, stop, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spots a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

Find ways to help him learn to express himself instead of lashing out. Say things like "I can tell that you are (upset, angry, mad, hurt, frustrated). What can we do about that?" You can also help him to empathize with his peers. "John must have been really upset when you spit on him. You must have been really angry to have done that."

Notice him when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 3

i would contact his doctor and see about getting him into a behavorial center to be evaluated . if you have a childrens hospital close to you you can call them and ask for the behavorial clinic.
sometimes it may take a few months to get an appointment , but the sooner you call the better .
i have a 6 year old and a 4 year old and both have severe behavorial disabilities . handing out punishments to either of them is hell for me and their dad. nothing seems to work ,or make a point . and it is very frustrating .
having him evaluated will give you some answers is he has problems , medication may be needed to help him . i know alot of parents out there seem to think people are too quick to medicate , but sometimes it is the best answer , but not always the best for every child . usually a doctor is the best to decide this
hope this helps some

Answer 4

Sometimes children misbehave the way you describe because they feel that they have nothing to loose in their relationships with adults. They don't get a lot of love, friendship, and positive companionship from their parents. All they ever get is punishment for bad behavior. And this kind of negative without the positive attention is bound to make anyone your enemy, whether he is a child or an adult.

If your boss only shouts at you and scolds you for making mistakes and never notices anything good you do at work. Then how would you feel about him? Obviously, he is not going to be any friend of yours. And when an opportunity presents itself, then you would probably do something nasty to him too.

People behave well towards each other mostly because they enjoy the love, the friendship, and the companionship they get from each other. They want to maintain the love and the friendship. Fear of punishment is only a very small part of it.

Children are like that too. If most of your attention towards the child is positive and threat of punishment is only a very small part of it, then he is going to be a friend of yours. And he will behave well because he enjoys the love he gets from you. But if most of your attention is negative, then he is going to be your enemy. And he will do what he can to get back at you.

Here is what the American Academy of Pediatrics says:

"Many parents think discipline and punishment are the same thing. However, they are really quite different. Discipline is a whole system of teaching based on a good relationship, praise and instruction for the child on how to control his behavior. Punishment is negative; an unpleasant consequence for doing or not doing something. Punishment should only be a very small part of discipline.

Effective discipline should take place all the time, not just when children misbehave. Children are more likely to change their behavior when they feel encouraged and valued, not shamed and humiliated. When children feel good about themselves and cherish their relationship with their parents, they are more likely to listen and learn."
http://www.medem.com/MedLB/article_detaillb.cfm?article_ID=ZZZJPZ2YUSC&sub_cat=21

You said that you've tried everything. But you didn't mention anything about trying love and positive attention. And this may be the missing part of your puzzle. Too much negative attention without the positive naturally makes him your enemy. And this experience probably makes him feel that all authority figures are his enemies.

It's very difficult to make your enemy a friend. But that's what you need to do with your boy to correct his behavior.


P.S.
Rewarding positive behavior sounds to me like manipulating the child into changing his behavior without any genuine and sincere friendship and love. True love and friendship is unconditional. And you don't need to look for a reason to show such love. You love because love is good.

Perhaps positive reinforcement works well with animals. But with people such reinforcements works only if there is genuine love and friendship between them. People don't like being manipulated into changing their behavior. And they naturaly resist such manipulation when they become aware of it.

Answer 5

I agree totally with Nick and those who say to find those good behaviors to reinforce, even if they are few and far between. Also I would look into the environments in which the acting out behaviors occur, day care for example, and see if there are common factors or triggers for acting out. Another thing you can try would be starting at ground zero, so to speak. "You have nothing" other than food, water, shelter and your son can earn back one extra thing for every good day he has, such as fave toys, game privileges, etc. You could keep track to the day with a "three strikes and your out" system. Remember to be very, very consistent and follow through with consequences. Every time you say "if you do that one more time . . . " you are essentially giving him permission to do it one more time. Try wordage such as "if you cannot behave in the restaurant, we are leaving" and follow through with that, even if it's inconvenient. It will be a long process, it took him six years to learn poor behavior and won't change over night. (wow, hope that wasn't too long :)

Answer 6

Talk to his pediatrician about having him tested for behavior disorders. I have two sons with ADHD, but your child sounds more like he has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). We thought my hyperactive son could possibly have this as well, but his doctor said his symptoms weren't as severe as most ODD kids are. It's the same impulse control issues as ADHD, but more opposition to authority and lack of concern for the rules. Medication is not the only answer to ADHD or ODD, but it helped us to have the meds in combination with parent training in how to structure the home environment and disciplinary techniques. Your doctor may also have dietary changes to suggest that could help. I don't know if this has been in response to any issues with his parents or if there are other kids involved, but it could be that sessions with a family counselor would be beneficial as well.

Answer 7

Try to get help from like a counsler!!! Maybe that might help, and i know that things like this is hard.... I am not a parent but i have a cousin that's like that. I think it is some kind of deises, like ADHD and ADD but i don't know what it's called. Try some pro-help, and if that doesn't land it, then i hope you figure it out!!!

Good Luck......

Answer 8

Your son looks to no longer be getting perfect interest and self-discipline he desires. children will consistently be immature in some unspecified time sooner or later, yet they could understand what's proper and incorrect. Time-out and grounding toys or in demand products will artwork(yet you're able to stick with up with them). a needed key to elevating your new child is to ascertain they comprehend you're on correct of issues. ecosystem also impacts behavioral interactions between different persons- actual abuse or different unfavorable impacts makes him imagine he could do it too. set up a undemanding for him, proscribing his playtime, understanding he will be suspended from his free/playtime each and every time he receives in problem in college. issues to undergo in ideas: -No actual abuse -Set criteria and workouts -who's on correct of issues? YOU! -decrease Playtime

Answer 9

Get some counseling. I bet the whole broken family, step-family, step mom is part of it.

Answer 10

Getting in trouble is his way of getting attention, you should ignore him if he wants something, also spanking him just gives him more attention.