dealing with tension in the house you stay in!how do u do it?

Question

i live in an extented family. we are I think a reasonably peaceful family but there are those those when everyone in the house is moody and sour, just one day u can find my autie very sour ,pissed with mom, or ves versa, my cousine shouts at everyone. argument of who doesn't buy food or who does , everyone makes his own breakfast , no good mornings ,no good nights ,auncle slap his wife things like that. very hurtful things are said u can think we are not a family. its becomes very cloomy i feel like leaving. on the other hand some day its completley different ,everyone is happy we eat breakfast together, i make jokes everyone laughs, i wonder why sometime this happiness vanishes like its never been there. i always try to remain neutral and pretend every thing is cool but iam getting tired. when i try to moveout my mom doesnot want and iam afraid it may seem selfish coz fanancial situation does not allow some to live on their own for now. please help

Answer 1

Sounds like a refugee camp to me. A house that is too cramped is not good for relationships.

Answer 2

I agree with Max 333! Sharing your home with too many people, be they family or friends is detrimental to your relationship with them. It looks like you have no private space to take a break from rising tensions and fluctuating atmosphere.

You also appear to have undertaken the role of peace maker, pretending everything's fine, not taking sides and trying to cheer everyone up by making them laugh, even though you are laughing really! Only trying to preserve the peace at all costs.

Arguments about who should buy food could be resolved by the adults you live with! After all, in such conditions, it should be the easiest thing to do! Everyone shoud share bills, shopping/cooking/cleaning shores. If they did then it would result in less arguing.

Living with extended families lead to problems because it is easy for someone less asertive to let someone else step over their feet, decide for them and lead to resentment.

It looks as though no one has a clear view of their responisbilities, to selves and others in the household. Also that no one seems able to give others a break, say for instance arrange to go out for a while while those in the house can enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.

As for your uncle hitting his wife ... That is not accaptable. I mean what kind of an example is that for younger family members? Domestic violence, because it is a case of domestic violence, always come with the same excuse 'Stress' from the abuser. When in fact it is just an act of violence that cannot be justified, no matter how bad circumstances are!

You do not tell us how old you are but you seem old enough to move out. You think this would be selfish but i don't think so. Could you and your mum not consider alternative arrangements, such as a place of your own? You mention the fact that your financial situation doesn't allow you to live on your own, maybe you and your mum could both share a place, bills etc.

I feel that this has to be the only answer! Should you stay much longer in such a bad situation, you will only end up becoming very depressed and lose your self confidence. I do realise there are good moments but you know not everyone moves on! And even when things look fine, some people only still keep grudges over past disputes that will only resurface sooner or later!

I don't know where you live so it makes it hard to advise you on groups/advice centres/ any help you could get.

Try explaining to your mum that you cannot take much more, suggest a place of your own with her. It could be she fears that, should you move out, she would be let by herself! See how she feels and if she does agree then make rules for your new place, establish boundaries, and work things out together. Together you can!

Best wishes

Answer 3

well I would have to say things are a bit normal, you see things for any family is like that it is life but let me tell a little secret. the best thing to do is just as you said pretend everything is perfect that it's not really happening. I grew up in a house hold of eight children including me, thing's got a little thought. I found the best way to deal with things is to well help out a little , meaning do things if asked don't ask questions and well just pretend things are perfect then have a small place away from home or just out in the yard that is quiet and take some deep breath's and just stair at the stars and relax. what you need to do is bassically find a place you can call you'r own to relax and calm down ...... for example: ( reading a book in a quiet room or out side, going for a walk, watching the stars , locking your-self in your own room and listening to the radio). I can't tell you exaclly what to do I can only give some Ideas because what works for one person may not work for another. I hope I could help.......

Answer 4

Hi,

From your description, it appears to me that you are not the source of the tension. Rather, it's tensions between your people that turn the atmosphere sour sometimes. From what I read, I would guess that some of your family fight with their own unhappiness. It's maybe hard for them to convince themselves that it's THEM who are the cause of the tension. Rather, they are maybe convinced that it's OTHER members of your family that make them just REACT. I see you as rather innocent bystander.

I think there are two things you might want to try. The first is that I'm sure that the others don't realise how much they hurt you by their behaviour. This is because they themselves feel hurt (by other people, by life in general, maybe they want a completely different lives... without knowing it). When someone feels hurt, there is a tendency in everyone to over-react emotionally. The tensions you observe, might be their way of react to the pain caused to them by others. You seem to me like an innocent bystander, but you're in this together with them.

One thing you might want to try is to tell them one-by-one how you feel. It's important that you do this, when they are not upset (in their bad mood). Also, you should not be angry with them (or emtionally exhausted) when you have such a talk. It's up to you to know whether you can have such conversations with members of your family. This is difficult stuff, and the risk is that you get in the line of fire. (i.e., people start seeing you as the source of their unhappiness).

The second way is what you already mentioned. Moving out. To my knowledge this is the only way to keep your emotional strength in the long run.

Did your mother come up with a reason why you shouldn't move out? It's maybe best, if you explained why you want to move out, and explain your genuine feelings to her, without hurting her. Moving out doesn't mean that you desert your family. You can visit them, you can move somewhere close by.

Answer 5

If for the most part when these situations occur and it doesn't directly involve you then try and stay out of it. Don't let the not so good days steal your joy. Be the thermostat and not the thermometer. What I mean buy this is just because the others may be in a foul mood keep yours light and focus on the things you need to get done that day.

Answer 6

numerous women living in the house causes tension because women are territorial as well as men. Also theres the problem with PMT. There is proof that women living together end up having periods around the same time, which will always cause terrible tension.

Your uncle needs sorting out no-one deserves to be slapped no matter what the circumstances. There is no excuse for abuse!!!!

Answer 7

In a crowded house not everyone will be as happy as the other.Some are moody.

Answer 8

if youre of the legal age,and want to leave but money is holding you back consider a room mate.
otherwise find some hobbies,ie painting,reading,photography,writing,etc.
also enjoy the sunrises and sunsets.

Answer 9

I think all the advises given above can help you handling the situation. That's all i have to say.

Answer 10

trust god n urself dear things will be alrite some day if still not happen better to moulde urself to fit in this type of family