Should I sever my ties to my own brother?

Question

A couple of times in my life, I faced grave crises - both financial and emotional. I turned to my only family in the country, my brother who is a wealthy doctor. He gave me very little aid and made me feel like everything was my fault and that I did not deserve better. I get the impression that he thinks I won't have much of a future. Whenever I talk to him, he never fails to make me feel like a pathetic loser. Instead, it was my friends and my fiance who rallied around me and gave me support and encouragement. They made sure that I kept my head above the water during my unfortunate times. They know that my brother just makes me feel bad and insecure, so they have strongly suggested that I stop communicating with him for my own good. They are so disgusted with how my brother treats me. I am confused. My brother is family. Is it a sacred rule that relationships between family should never be cut? Or should I consider my fiance's and friends' advice to never talk to him again?

Answer 1

Don't ask him for help, or expect any help from him. Keep your contact with your brother to a civil basis, but minimal.

Sometimes, family is less about blood and more about heart.

Answer 2

First of all, I'm sorry about your situation. Second, this is a tough one. Noone has the right to make anyone feel bad about themselves or needlessly criticize them. Not even family. Limiting communication with him would be advisable if it is always negative. But, I have to ask, do you only call your brother when you need something? Do you ever call or write just to say 'Hi'? or to see how he is doing? Maybe he feels used. Perhaps he's having problems of his own and doesn't know how to handle them. Some people respond to stress by lashing out. Is there even a shred of truth to some of the awful things he says? Do you habituallly make bad decisions? Work on that. Also, have things always been this way between you two? If not,why and when did things change? That may be key to unlocking the reasons behind his behavior. Sever is such a strong word. If you haven't already, try contacting your brother when things are going well for you. Don't ask for anything or even mention any problems. He'll probably be suspicious at first and say something stupid, but be patient. See how it goes. If nothing changes just back away for awhile. You may decide to close the door on this relationship but you don't have to deadbolt it shut! Hope you work things out! =)

Answer 3

Is it a sacred rule that relationships between family should never be cut? Definitely not. Being estranged from family is an emotionally difficult thing. But it sounds as though it would be the lesser of two evils in your case.

By the way, if you have health insurance, this would be a great time to see a therapist - talking through the details with an unbiased person can help you to make a decision that you can live with, and that you won't feel guilty about in the future.

Answer 4

I come from a close family and nothing should ever come between a family. Try sitting down with your brother and explaining to him how he makes you feel. Pour your heart out to him and ask him to be less judgemental. As for him making you feel bad about yourself, no one can do that unless you feel bad about yourself to start with. He's probably just trying to give you some advice for your own good but if you are not making good choices then it will sound like criticism coming from your brother. Could this be the case? Do what you can to maintain a relationship with him because some day your fiance and friends may not be there and then you will regret severing your ties with your brother. Good Luck with your choice!

Answer 5

You cannot change him, but you can change yourself. If you want him to know how you feel, tell him- in person, by e-mail, or letter. Tell him that you value him as a brother and only want to have a sister/brother relationship with him. This will put the ball in his court and if he doesn't respond, you will know how he feels. It is hard to feel like you are ignored by family, but let him be the one to make the decision as to whether you have a relationship or not. At least if he doesn't respond, you will have done all you can do. Other people cannot give you advice when they have their own families. You have to deal with your family on your own, no matter what they may say. They may love you and don't want you to be hurt, but if you don't give this another chance you will always wonder if you could have had a relationship with him. Good Luck!

Answer 6

This sounds exactly like what went on with my sister and me. She is 7 years older than me and a wealthy layer. She has ALWAYS treated me like I'm an irresponsible slob, which I am not. When she called me and accused me of being on hard drugs that was basically the last straw. She accused me because whenever she called I was sleeping. She called in the morning and I worked as a waitress at night. She doesn't even live in the same state as me.
I cut all ties with her four years ago. It is a painful thing but I will not take more of her poor treatment. She has not reached out to me. If you know this brother will not change, who needs him? It's that simple.

Answer 7

I know what you mean, only it was my mom that made me feel like crap. I know though that she will always love me regardless. It's just that sometimes people get caught up in their own lives and tend to push away the people they love the most because of temporary selfishness. Try not to cut off the ties completely just yet. Try something else, like taking him out to lunch or dropping by his place just to say hey. Make sure there is no relationship to be kindled before you cut him out completely. he is your brother, and your only close by family. Chances are he probably just thinks all you want is aid and help. Show him that it's him that you love, not his assistance.

Answer 8

I see you have two ways to deal with this:

1) Point it out to him when he says things that hurt you or make you feel like you're not worth anything. Give him the chance to change how he's acting. People don't always see how the're acting until it's pointed out to them. Maybe in his own warped way, he thinks he's helping you. Tell him it hurts and it needs to stop.

2) If he stops, problem solved. If not, you have to do what's right for you, but I don't think having someone who constantly hurts you and puts you down is very good for your mental health. We all have hang ups about ourselves and the last thing we need is to have someone point those things out to us on a regular basis. It's OK to cut off communication with him if all communication does is make you feel bad.

Answer 9

Is it hurting you terribly to be in contact with him?
Can you simply stop making efforts to be in contact? If you cut ties you may never be able to fix them. If you can just let it be a quiet connection that you use seldom, then it will still be there if you decide that you want more of a connection later in life.
He may feel used. He may have issues that you don't know about. He may know a side of you that no one else does. Or he may well be a cheap, stingy man. But he is your brother and you may regret cutting ties totally.

Answer 10

I don't talk to my sister at all. But, you should let him read this the way it is written. He should be mature enough (being a doc and all) to understand what you are trying to say. Might wanna take the part out about your friends and fiance saying to never talk to him. But you really should tell your brother how you feel.

It is up to you on weather or not you want to talk to him anymore.

Answer 11

My family was very hurtful to me and made me feel a lot like you described. I ended my contact with them and took the time to heal. It's been more than 10 years and my life is much happier and I feel so much more positive about myself.

Your family is who you chose. Blood doesn't make a family, love and support do.