What to do with a non-working, non acheiving partner , whom after 20 yrs. has decided to just live off you!?

Question

We have been 2gether 22 yrs. raised 3 grown, well educated and productive children. Then suddenly in the last 3 yrs. he just stopped working. He got fired from the post office for not turning in paperwork he was supposed to. While I have always been the more responsible one, that was ok (retired receptionist, now disable}
because we both contributed to our future. Now he has stopped and looks to me for everything. I have a small income and I don't understand his logic. Even our kids are becomimg annoyed because he constantly ask them for things also. Has anyone gone thru a similiar situation as this? Could this be a midlife crisis? I am getting very tired of trying to make ends meet, and it doesn't seem to faze him at all.

Answer 1

My moms been thru a simuliar thing with my dad. your significant other may feel burned out. Needless to say that isnt your fault. I think he needs to either get off his self pittying *** or you need to kick him out and move on sweets. My mom now single Ive grown up and my dad was forced to find a job and live on his own. I just helped him open a checking account. Things couldve been better but thats just sometimes how the ball bounces if you dont want them to end up like my situation I suggest you work it out with him and make him understand that self loathing isnt the way to go. Wake him up...

Answer 2

I dont think it is midlife crisis, but i have seen atleast a dozen families like this. And the men are rude, very often drunk and very abusive.
Is your spouse any of this????
You will need to understand that old men are not exactly the most hardworking of the lot.
If he has provided for the family, with love and give the world 3 well behaved, well educated productive children, then I guess you should give him a little more credit than you are giving him now.
Children just dont grow on trees, you know, much less good citizens !! You will have to however explain to him that you are getting old too and he needs to pitch in. I guess you can start a business at home or take up a flexi job that you can work at home too.
Your kids have no right to crib, and I suggest you not encourage that kind of behaviour, because they are the way they are because of the hard work that both of you have put in. Single parents can rarely make sucessful children.
Both of you, deserve KUDOS for having come this far.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Answer 3

I wish it were otherwise, but your question is hard to answer. I'm guessing that your partner may be going through more than a "mid-life crisis"; quite possibly he's suffering depression or a combination of emotional problems.

Although many folks resist it, you may want to consider counseling (for him, perhaps for you, and for you two as a couple). When you've had a relationship with that degree of longevity, trying to resolve your differences seems like it would make sense.

Perhaps your husband is suffering from a fear of failure; it was his failure to turn in the paperwork that resulted in his losing his job. Since you've indicated that you have always been the "more responsible" one in your partnership, he may not feel very good about himself and not see a way out of feeling that way.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

Answer 4

1. He needs a thorough medical checkup. His behavior could be anything from heart problems to depression.

2. It could be a midlife crisis, I suppose, but it's a nasty one. Counseling for yourself in handling this is a good step for you.

3. Marriage counseling will also help if you both want to get past this awkward spot in your marriage.

4. If he refuses to get a physical, speak toyour counselor and work through what's wrong on your end so you can feel clear about making a decision one way or another.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Answer 5

Oh, dear. I see your predicament. My mom's friend is going thru the same thing....trying to make it on disability and SSI but her husband doesn't work either.....I'm tellin' ya, she moved out and into a small 1 Bedroom apartment (fine for just herself), and she makes it much better without him. He was just there to eat the food, and sleep in the bed and shower with the water. Sounds like a moocher to me...

I understand you have a deep love for the man you've been with for 22 yrs. But you have to love yourself too. You said you don't understand his logic, but there is NO logic to his thinking...maybe if you throw something at him to actually think about, he will come to a realization that something is definately wrong here. But in the meantime, take care of YOU.

And, by the way-- Do not let him take advantage of your children. He is not their responsibility. They are trying to make lives of their own now.

Answer 6

If you're retired and accept disability he probably figures you're the one who has thrown in the towel so he's done the same. If he has to work for the PO and isn't cut out for it v. understandable. Sounds more like end of life crisis, he needs a job that is interesting to him, you could lead by example as in the past.

Answer 7

A middle life crisis is possible...but I would get a neuropsychological evaluation. He could have a disability you are not aware of. If anything a disability income is better than no income, so I would get it checked out. Other than that, keep him lifted up by praying for him. He really needs it and so does your whole family I am sure. My prayers are with you =)

Answer 8

It is a mid-life crisis.
Time for an intervention.
ALL family members discuss together what is wanted, and then sit him down and tell him what is expected of him.
'No' is not an option.
Give him a time-line in which he must produce results.
Let him know there are consequences to his ignoring this intervention.
Stick to the consequences if he drags his foot.
He has probably started thinking "me, me, me."
He must start thinking what he can give and contribute and help with.

Answer 9

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. I Timothy 5:8

And according to God's Word, you can divorce an infidel (an unfaithful partner) with His blessing. (Matthew 19:9)

".......if any would not work, neither should he eat. II Thessalonians 3:10

Answer 10

Sounds like depression - aka mid life crisis. Have him see a psychologist or psychotherapist before making any major decisions. Maybe he feels he needs more from his family right now because of what he's going through. I would make a dr. appt. for him and take care of that for him......