any comedians out there? i have a dry sense of humor.?

Question

like ......i once was sad because i had no shoes..till i met a man who had no feet......so i says....got any shoes ur not using?...cracks me up.....got any good stuff out there...if so send it my way....tx

Answer 1

-Daddy, I hate sister's guts
-Eh, Shut-up and keep eating

Answer 2

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out? Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Answer 3

RE: What comedians are there with a dry sense of humour? What are some comedians with a dry/cynical sense of humour. I like all comedians but I have a weird sense of humor for a 14 year old boy lol. There is one in particular but I can't remember his name. He did a documentary about some conspiracy or government thing and also made jokes of it, I...

Answer 4

i am not a comedian, but i did find this story:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Answer 5

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he got stuck under an overpass. A police man drove up and asked him if he was stuck and he said,"Nope, I ran out of gas while I was delivering this overpass."

Answer 6

Do not worry! Even comedians have moments when their jokes aren't funny. Learn some jokes, watch comedy and study the jokes of your friends and add your imagination...and you will become a comedian.For a silly joke you haven't got a dry sense of humor.(There are some jokes in my profiles, check my answers, you're welcome)

Answer 7

There was a young man from aims
who liked to play weird games
so he lit up a patch of his grandmothers snatch
and laughed as she pissed through the flames

Answer 8

A dad tomato, mom tomato, and a baby tomato went out for a walk. The baby tomato could not keep up. The dad tomato went back to the baby tomato, stomped on him and said catchup (ketchup).

Answer 9

Have you seen the previews for "Pirates of the Carribean 2"? I understand that due to all the scenes with sword fights and killing,the movie had to be rated,"ARRR!"

Answer 10

My friend felt even worse..he had to have his left leg amputated, and when he woke up after surgery the surgeon told him "we are terribly sorry sir, we amputated your right leg by accident,....... but we do have good news though, your other leg is going to be fine, we got a second opinion..."

Answer 11

Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be if there were no sponges there.

I invented a phoneless cord.

A dyslexic walked into a bra.