anything funny, please?

Question

i need to laugh, i am so d a m n bored, i need a joke, or something funny you once did to someone else, thanx

Answer 1

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome
with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Answer 2

14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out


14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she
learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to [e-mail]

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious [e-mail]

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Answer 3

"I bought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here in my file cabinet under "D"."

Answer 4

Once, in 2nd grade (wow that was a long time ago) me and a couple of my buddies decided we didn't want to eat pudding at lunch.... So we took the pudding while the lunch ladies were on break, and we put it all over the principal's office... Literately. She was so P.O.'d that she had a finger-print of the whole office... We didn't get caught, tho. The guys doing the finger print check got hungry and started licking the walls... I'll never forget how she cried...

Answer 5

A young Ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a very small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."

Answer 6

A turtle walks into a bank to make a deposit.
While he is waiting in line, two guys come in waving guns, yell "everyone on the floor", and rob the bank.
After it's all over, the police show up and start questioning evryone.
"So, Mr. Turtle, what happened here?" asks the cop.
"Well, Officer, I'm really not sure, it all happened so fast." replies the turtle.

Answer 7

tina turner went to a plastic surgeon because she didn't like the way her snatch looked the surgeon had a look and agreed there was something that he would be able to do about it.but he told her to come in the next day .tina agreed but stressed that she didn't want any body to no.the next day after waking up from surgery she saw three vases of flowers beside her bed what did you do she screamed at the nurse i thought i told you didn't want anybody to no the nurse then explained that one vase was from the doctor to cheer her up after surgery the other was from the nursing staff for being such a good patient.wherdid the other one come from she asked.the little boy down the hall he wanted to thank you for his new ears.

Answer 8

I don't know if you think this is funny,my family did. While shopping with my eldest daughter, I stood a the top of some stairs and told her I couldn't use them as I needed to find the ones that went down.

Answer 9

There was 2 fleas on vacation in Florida, I flea said to the other, I see you caught a cold again while on the way here, I've already told you how to avoid getting sick, next time we go on vacation hide in a women's toilet on the seat, when she pulls down her pants to go jump in there and hold on tight, you'll be nice and warm until you get here....I did that said the second flea, I was so cozy I fell asleep, next thing I know I was in some guys mustache riding a motorcycle!!!

Answer 10

Here's a joke for you........... Sorry about the length.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California. Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down
today, it was hanging
down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"

Nope", she replies.

IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert . Shoulda bought a
hat."