my boyfriend secretly created an online personal ad, what do I do?

Question

my boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years.
last December, under pressure from me, he proposed.
after that, things started getting stressful. We reached a breaking point in April. We decided to put the wedding on hold and work with a couples counselor. We took a one month break.
We have been back together for a little over two months. Things have been truly amazing. We're happier than we have ever been, we're fighting less and when we do fight it's much more low key.
BUT I snuck a look at his computer last night and discovered that he created an online personal under an alias. I know I'm evil, but I cracked the password for his account so I know exactly what he's up to. Is this a harmless way for him to feel reassured about the relationship? Or is it just a prelude to betrayal? I feel terrible, like he thinks he can do better. And I can't trust anything that he says. "I love you" just doesn't mean as much when it looks like he's hunting for someone new. how serious is this?

more details: he's 50, I'm 32. he has never been married. he has some serious issues that he is working through in therapy.
yes, I pressured him for a proposal. he proposed but he really wasn't ready, that's why we decided to put the proposal/wedding on hold and work on our problems with a counselor. now that the pressure's off and we're really talking, things have been wonderful BUT... he created the online personal ad just a couple of days ago. I definitely understand being curious and I understand wanting to make sure that you're not missing something. hell, I think everyone has been there. but that behavior just doesn't jive with the way he talks to me about our relationship and his happiness and dedication to it. I've asked him if he's looking for someone else or if he would want to see other people and he has emphatically said no.
and yes, I'm an evil, rotten sneak with trust issues. I'm violating his privacy. I feel bad about it but not bad enough about it to stop.

Answer 1

Secretly answer it.

Answer 2

I think you should move on. You already don't trust him (hence sneaking onto the computer)--which BTW, I don't have a problem with doing. Your not evil....your just not stupid! Marriage is the hardest thing you'll ever do, and trust/honesty are 100% needed. My "X" also placed an ad.....and I left him. He swears he never "cheated" but for me it no longer mattered. He betrayed me by taking intimacy away from our relationship. Rather he had sex or not was no longer relevant. Give him the benefit of the doubt.....say he didn't cheat. The intent was there, and the desire. It would have only been a matter of time. Baby, your the one that can do better. I have had the chance to see there really are a lot of good men out there....ones that will want only you. Don't stay because you don't want to be alone. And love isn't healthy when you sacrifice yourself to keep it. Good luck

Answer 3

Its definitely not a good thing if you guys are planning to get married. Ideally, you should be the only woman on his mind.
If he is out there looking for dates and trying to meet women via the Internet, then that only means he is looking for something else.

You need to confront him about it. But do it in a way he does not realize that you have been sneaking into his computer. Say something like your friend (a girl) found his profile online and showed it to you. Thats possible... And let him explain...

Frankly, you need to know when that profile was created. Maybe he created it while you guys were on your break. If not, then there are issues that need to be resolved/discussed.

Bottom line, if you guys have already gone through counseling and have had issues, then its not a good sign for the future.
A relationship is not meant to be a struggle. If you have to work hard to make a relationship work, then its not meant to be...

A true relationship is harmonious. Yes you will have fights and challenges, but they should be minor things...

Answer 4

if you can't trust him, you should end the relationship immediately. sneaking around trying to find answers is not going to bring anything good, it's just going to get worse. if it's not the email then is going to be the phone or something else, you are going to wonder where he is if he's late . . . the stress and the paranoia will kill the relationship.

if this is the guy you are planning to marry and spend the rest of your life with, there must be trust and communication. you should ask him where the relationship is going, and if he honestly wants to be w/ you.

maybe he met new people during that month break & feels like he can't talk about that w/out feeling that it will be a big fight, although you were not together.

again, if you can't find a way to trust him, you must end it for good.
good luck

Answer 5

It is a prelude to betrayal. If he was feeling pressured from you to get married, then there is a part of him that doesn't want to solidify that relationship farther, which may be why he's doing it, but if he's going to actually place an ad, usually if the opportunity came up, he would take it.

I do like the idea of answering the ad yourself with an alias and see how far he'd be willing to go with someone he didn't know was you.

Answer 6

You might want to first ask yourself why you pressured him into proposing. If he wasn't ready, why would you want to force him? Perhaps he's still not ready. Also ask yourself why you're sneaking around and looking at his computer? Why don't you trust him? Do you trust yourself?

If you don't trust him to be faithful, confront him about it. It's obvious that you both have trust issues and they won't go away by pretending you didn't find this online ad. If you can work it out and you both trust each other, then you can move forward. If you still don't trust him, go with your feelings on that. You can't just shove that distrust under the rug.

Answer 7

I feel like I'm reading about myself 6 years ago!!!!
The first "bad" sign was that he might have felt pressured to propose. If this guy was really "the one" for you then he would have done it all by himself.
I was in quite the same situation myself and then things did start going well. I later found out that I was being cheated on. My then boyfriend was being soooo nice to me and I thought things were going well but I was so wrong.
If your boyfriend has created a secret online profile it most likely will lead to something else. I know it hurts but you need to kick his @$$ to the curb!!! He shouldn't need to feel reassured about your relationship by having other women stroking his ego!
Be strong and move on! good luck

Answer 8

wow this seems extremely hard because you probably really love him, but if there is EVER any question of his love for you you have a real problem. the best thing to do is talk to him. dont let him know YOU discovered the add. i would tell him a friend found it or something similar to that. its not right for him to put you through this if he claims he really does love you. his excuse better be really good if you give him so much as a second look.

Answer 9

A man should be the one to propose. If he didnt ask yet, there is a reason. He doesn't want to. Pushing him will cause resentment. Hence, the online ad. Take the pressure off. Let him ask when he is ready before he runs.

Answer 10

Oh this is not a problem, first did you look at the date he created the profile was it during the time you all took the month off. I am married and I have profiles on many diffrent sites but that is not because I am looking for something new I just like to browse profiles and look at pics it like free porn.

Answer 11

Honey...you said it at the beginning of your post. You forced him into proposing! he isn't in this relationship for him...he's doing it for you.
You say "things are great...better than ever"...But, you don't trust him enough and go snooping on his computer looking for something...you're not even sure is there until you find it.

He is doing the personal ad because HE wants to...it is probably the first thing that he has done for himself since being with you.
Let him go and find out if he wants someone else...