Our teen keeps running away!!?

Question

We have a teenager who has been running away for the last several months. We file police reports, and pick her up a week later after she is located. She comes home, eats, sleeps, showers, kicks back for about a week.Then she goes out and parties, doesnt come home during curfew, she totally distrespects our home and rules. Its to the point she doesn't care about consequences or authority. We are seeing a family therapist, she has never been arrested.

I don't want to wait until she is IN THE SYSTEM before the county helps her!!!! Why is it that teens can not get help until the comitt a felony? (were in Santa Clara County) How can we get help NOW before she is arrested!
We don't have the money for boot camp. She can not be emancipated because she doesnt have a job.

What can we do to help her and both of her family's be able to rest

She gets out by not coming home from school, I go and pick her up from school, she doesnt show up. I have to let her go to school. Otherwise she is truent

Answer 1

Here are some suggestions from Santa Clara Co. Superior Court's website. They list several resources you might contact for advice or intervention:

http://www.scselfservice.org/juvdel/juvdelresources.htm#other

Answer 2

Well, it is not the responsibility of the county to raise your daughter, it is your responsibility. It looks like you will just have to make some sacrifices to get her enrolled in either a boot camp program or a mental facility. Other than that, to keep her home you can get locks for the doors where you need a key to open them even from the inside, and be sure the doors are locked at night time. Put an alarm on the windows (you can buy those types that stick on the windows pretty cheap at a hardware store). And if you give her an allowance, stop giving it to her.

Answer 3

Have you asked her why she's running away?

Open and honest communication is important. I don't agree with the person who said all you need is a belt. Teenagers do not do this unless there are serious problems in the family. She may be anti-authority but don't go into this dismissing it as just a discipline issue. I suspect she has some fundamental needs that are not being met and this is how it is manifesting itself. There are clearly a number of underlying emotional issues she has with the family that have to be addressed.

One of the most important things you can do is listen to how she feels and understand her (or try). Validate her feelings so she feels understood and can trust you emotionally. For example, if she complains about her curfew, say, "Honey, I understand you want to have fun with your friends, that you'll feel left out if you don't go, and that you believe you are old enough to take on that responsibility. It's hard to stay at home when your friends are partying -- very hard. Your friends are important to you, and they should be. You're impatient to be old enough to be on your own. And one day, in a year or two, you will be, so let's try to ride it out."

Family therapy is important. Bring this issue up there if you haven't already.

An excellent book on communicating in interpersonal relationships is called by Aaron T. Beck, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060916044/sr=8-1/qid=1151524225/ref=sr_1_1/102-5813261-7736924?ie=UTF8 . It is intended for couples but the principles work anywhere.

I wouldn't approach this from a "We are right, you are wrong" kind of an attitude. Improvements can be made on both sides and she is sure to have some legitimate grievances against you, even if she can't articulate them. Examine yourselves critically and have the humility to acknowledge, at least to yourself, your error. In some cases I think it may be appropriate to apologize to her for certain mistakes, but I realize that can be dicey. On the other hand when you are a teenager and your gut is telling you (correctly) you are being wronged in some way, but you are not mature enough to either articulate what's wrong or realize that your gut is right, and everyone has their face set against you insisting that your gut is wrong, that produces a very destructive tension. The best way to free that tension is for a parent to acknowledge that their gut is right and they (the parent) were wrong.

By the way this does not preclude discipline or tough love. But if you do not address the emotional component, all discipline or tough love will do is come across as harshness and aggravate the situation.

Answer 4

The juvenile detention centers should be able to help you with this. I am assuming that you filed the missing child reports and listed her as a runaway on more than one occassion. Contact your juvenile detention facility and tell them what is happening.
A child can be place in the facility if they have a record. are felt to be out of control and could injure themselves or their family.
running away is considered causing injury to themselves....because they are underage.....
so you have the police take her to the detention center the next time she runs away...............they will strip search her, show her a scary video of what her life will now be like, and put her in a locked room with a cot etc. You decide how long you want her to be there...go and pick her up after a few hours or a day. Let her know that even though you don't want it...........
After awhile she will be placed there permanently. )Police will not keep looking for her. They will file a report to have it done.

Answer 5

If you can't afford "boot camp", I suggest you create one of your own in your home. There is nothing worse than a truly defiant teenager who knows everything, and cares about nothing. When she comes home again, give her time to take a shower, get some sleep and eat something healthy, and then SIT HER DOWN. Let her know that in no way shape or form are her actions acceptable, and while she is underage and living in your home, she WILL follow your rules. I had a friend in highschool who's parents actually boarded her windows up so that she couldn't sneak out at night. It sounds as though she may require constant vigilance. Tell her you love her, that you're concerned for her, and be prepared to rule your home with an iron will. Do NOT compromise or negotiate. You are her mother (or father), and she has no choice but to follow your rules. If she tries to leave, tell her no, if she does anyway, hop in your car and follow her. Don't give her a chance to lie. When I hooked school as a teenager, my mother retaliated by coming to school with me, sitting in my classes, going to the rest room with me and sitting with me in the cafeteria. Let me tell you that was not a good experience. If she senses that you're not bending, and not intimidated by her very childish actions (and they are, scary as it is, what she has is a classic case of teenage rebellion) she may eventually slow down. You're situation is a difficult one, and will most certainly not repair itself over night. You have to continue to watch her and evaluate the situation. Perhaps drug testing weekly would help as well. You can take her to a local urgent care and request that she be tested, and she really doesn't have a choice about it. If drugs are a problem, one option is to go to the local police with the results of the drug test and turn your daughter in yourself. I don't know exactly what they'd do, but it certainly can't hurt. I wish you, your family and your daughter the best of luck!

Answer 6

This answer is brutal but if you think about it, it's true.

It sounds like You are the reason your daughter is the way she is. I'll bet she hasn't been spanked a day in her life. You let her get away with anything and allowed for a disipline free life until it got too bad. Now you're trying to set down the rules and have her respect you. Nah uh. Ain't gonna happen. You can't expect for a person that acted a certain way for years to turn about 90 degrees. It's not gonna be fixed overnight. Take one step at a time.

Answer 7

Put her on the street she doesn't deserve you. when she leaves next time have her bags setting on the porch when she returns Tell her she is not welcome at your house and mean it, give her $100.00 dollars for a few days on the road .. after a few days she will be good and ready to return home . Again meet her at the door tell her you love her and you are glad she is home but things have changed now .. Tell her you are no longer going to put up with the way she's been abusing the family by running away all the time and tell her if she runs away again don't bother to come back.. If she runs away the police can not charge you with neglact she has brought it on her self and please don't feel bad she just going to make your life miserable as long as she can get away with it.. call her friends parients and tell them to no allow your doughter at their homes or around their childern.. If they are loving parents they will under stand.. I hope this helps.. I know it sounds harsh but a line has tobe drawn some time.. get it stopped while shes young....

Answer 8

I hate to say this but it sounds like she needs to be put in military school.
Not to be funny but do you ever watch Maury? There's a guy on there that deal with teenagers like your daughter. If you can talk to a police officer and arrange for your daughter to stay in a youth facility home for 24 hours so she can see what it will feel like if she keep doing what she's doing if she ever get in the system, then that should help out a bit. A lot of officers like to help with parents whenever they can. This should give your daughter a huge wake up call.

Answer 9

I don't know where you are from, but the Army National Guard has a program here in WV call the Mountaineer Challenge Academy, which is like boot camp. My nephew when and it made a big difference in him. My brother didn't have to pay anything for that. I don't know what the requirements are, I know Derrick had been expelled from school and he got his GED while he was there... maybe you could call the Nationla Guard in your area and check into that...

Otherwise, play tough love, tell her if she wants to continue to live with you, she lives by your rules or leaves. Make her get a job and pay rent. Stop her allowance and tell her you refuse to contribute to her partying. If she wants to go out she'll have to get a job to pay for it, and to pay you to put up with her.???

Answer 10

I'm sure you've tried taking away her material possessions...phone, television, computer, etc.

Who does her laundry? I hope you don't. Help her understand that her clean clothes are her responsibility and in return for her using the appliances, she needs to do a house chore as payment.

Who prepares her food? Same thing...food in exchange for chores.

Where does she get money to go out and party? I hope you aren't providing and allowance. Tough love works if you stick to it.

To try to help her, have you sat down and listened to her without interruptions? I mean really listened allowing her to say all that is bothering her without threatening to smack her mouth or correct her perceptions?

In some states, you can go to court and ask to be relieved of the responsibility. You'd have to check where you live to find out what the regulations are.