How do you control a 19 yr old sister who is severly obsessed with a manipulative guy?

Question

My sister is 19 and is involved with a 21 yr old manipulative guy who has made her an emotional train wreck! Our whole family hates him, simply because he has played with her mind since she was 15. He has dropped out of college, occassionally does drugs, talks to my sister like dirt, and made threats against my parents. She has tried to 'overdose' on Advil to make the 'hurt go away' when they fight, locked herself in her room and not eaten for a day when they fight, etc. They have NEVER actually dated, as he dated a girl for 3 years while still talking to my sister on the side! My parents are at witts end; as they have taken away all the means she has used to sneak around to talk to him- her cell phone, computer, etc. What do we do now? She thinks that because she is almost 20, that we should leave her the 'hell alone and do what she wants to do.' We all don't want to see her go down that road, but we have basically given up. Her mood swings are horrible! HELP US- ANY ADVICE!

Answer 1

oh, i feel really sorry for you... as having little sis myself i can imagine how would that feel. I just want to tell you first that go easy on your sister, as she has been in touch with this guy since she was 15..and its been a long time. Teenagers seems to have mood swings and all this stuff which is completely normal i think. She is just going through this phase in her life and she might have this feeling that nobody understands her. You got to have good conversation with her first. Don't take drastic measures like taking away her phones and p.c which will only make things worse trust me. It will make her more rebellious and will drawn her towards this guy more. As your sister seems to be pretty much into this guy. U got to make sure that she realize that how important she is to u and to Ur family and the way the guy is treating her is wrong. She got to see it! And she needs the full support of the family in this case. Talk to her in a way that shows you don't really hate the guy and you don't really doubt her choice its just that you guys are concern that he might not be the one your sis is looking for. Sometimes when we see things in a different perspective a lot of issues can be sorted out from there. Point to her those stuff that the guy does which is manipulative and wrong. She might see it by herself with your help. Good luck with this.

Answer 2

I have been there. I am 39 now, but at 19 yrs old I was in love with a drug dealing older man. I wasnt a drug user myself, I was very shy and self conscious, and easily controlled and manipulated. When my parents told me I couldnt see him, it made me desire him more. I ran away to move in with him and he almost killed me, and always threatened my family. What "saved me" was a good friend and my parents supporting me when I ran far away. Then I got a great job as a flight attendant, and my new life began. It felt so great to be independent, and learn to have confidence and be strong. Guide your sister towards something that will empower her. She will not only thank you later, but she will look back and wonder why she ever allowed an abusive jerk into her life. Dont give up on her, just change the focus. Dont talk to her about "him" talk to her about "her own life and potential". Make him become the nothing that he is. God bless and good luck

Answer 3

Two words for you: You Can't. As much as it may hurt you, you unfortunately have to let nature take it's coarse. Eventually, she will wake up and realize that he is definitely the wrong guy to be falling head-over-heels for. And even if somethings happen while you are waiting for her to snap out of it, you must still try not to ever interfere with the situation. If you do, the problem can get very sticky and your sister may not want to talk to you anymore, which will ironically make matters worse. Just be patient and pray for the best. Good luck!

Answer 4

As for your sister I have been there done that. I had the treatment of tough love....we love you but can't and will not watch you do this. So I left got a cruel reality check. I am not saying this is always right but it worked for me and I am a much stronger woman now and put up with no s**t from any man. I was 18 then and now 31.

Answer 5

Give in. Start planning the wedding. Tell her how lucky she is to have found a great guy. Tell her he will certainly change once she has a few kids he can abuse. Reverse phsycology?

If she really has horrible mood swings, maybe she is on drugs or needs serious medical attention.

Answer 6

I know it is tough letting sis make mistakes, but she needs to make a few, if everyone will just quit trying to live her life for her, her mind may clear up enuf to see the obvious. love is truly blind and stupid sometimes too. if her life ends up a train wreck, so be it, sooner or later she will get tired of the pain and make wiser decisions. it's tough to let go of someone you love and see them go down the wrong road, but it's you with the problem. not her, she is addicted to the attention from all your family and you, she keeps the bad behavior up to get the attention. don't cut her off cold turkey, just when she does something you don't agree with, just shrug your shoulders and say it's your life. don't enable her.

Answer 7

You are not going to be able to do anything. I was the same way and had to learn on my own. I have been with my hubby for 13 hrs and my parents can't stand him. I love him to death and nothing is going to stop us from being together. Let her know that you don't like it and what you think but be there for her and don't bother her about it. It will just make your relationship with her go sour.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. Coming from someone who was the girl in the bad relationship, you only see what you want to see. I stayed with the guy because he treated me like i was used to being treated. He hit me, talked bad to me, and distanced me from my family. In the end, it was my now husband who helped me. He was the one who showed me what love really was and that i deserved to be treated much better. I stayed with the guy because he acted the same toward me that my family did. I thought that was love. Maybe she has that feeling? Talk to her and let her know that you love her. Pray to God that he will open her eyes. Fighting with her about this guy isn't going to help. Just try talking to her.

Answer 9

Let her make her own mistakes and hope she comes to her senses. Not likely but hey you can hope, The more you attack him the more she 'loves and defends him. It's a catch 22. Let her know you are there for her without enabling her. It's about all you can do.

Answer 10

You don't control her. You can't. You just tell her she's making a bad decision and that you will help her if she truly wants "out". But, tell her you will not listen to her drama and not to talk to you about it. She is in serious need of psychiatric therapy, but SHE must make that choice. Just don't put up with her crap.