Why do parents play the guilt trip card every time they feel they are not getting their way?

Question

My dad and I had a falling, over 4 plates, out so I moved out of the house, and Now in the process of getting my own place. My mother who is dying of cancer, is playing the guilt trip card to get me to move back in, why should I do this and when I am so close to getting my own place? It isn't like she doesn't know this. Do parents make their kids mad intentionally?

Answer 1

sometimes it's a matter of wanting to control your actions, sometimes it's because they don't know how else to communicate what they want--and they're afraid you're not even considering it.

I absolutely loathe guilt trips. My family could staff a travel agency for guilt trips.

Here's how I deal with it (which may not be your style, but it works for me):

I'm very direct. I say, "y'know, it makes me feel badly that you say this & this will happen if I do this or that."

In your case, I'd recommend opening up the channels of communication by saying, "Do you think I'm just going to stay away after I move out?" or "What are you afraid will happen if I move out?"

You can also try communicating like this:

when you do/say ______, I feel______ because______________.

that's called an "I" message--it's not attacking or accusatory, it simply states how you feel about something.

I believe most people don't set out to make others mad intentionally. I think they just don't know how to communicate what they want without manipulating because they've never learned how.

I suggest stepping back mentally.
Dad's probably under some stress because Mom's dying--he may feel helpless and alone, and with you leaving....maybe it's just overwhelming to him, y'know?

When people are worried or scared, they get edgy.

You can certainly move out and still visit and help. In fact, it'd probably be better for you, simply because you'll have your own space and can deal with things at your own pace and with no pressure.

:)

Answer 2

A lot of parents are just not ready for their kids to move out. Maybe its not "playing a guilt trip," persay but you mom just is not ready to have her baby leave the nest just yet. But at the same time if you feel like moving out is the best decision, go! Just keep in touch, after leaving your parents house somtimes you dont keep in touch as much, avoid that at all costs especially because both your parents are going to have a hard time coping with the fact that your an adult and not their baby girl any longer.

Answer 3

I really don't think they do, but they probably learned to play the guilt trip card from you kids. If you don't want to move back in to be with your Mom and Dad, then don't, simple as that. As long as you can live with the fact that your Mom is dying and will be without you. Just go about your own business and I'm sure they will be fine.

Answer 4

Your family is going through a very hard situation and arguments and guilt are common during this. All of you are struggling to deal with what is going on and still trying to deal with everything else in your lives as well. This is naturally only going to create problems and stress. Sometimes in situations like this people lash out and get angry and intentionally fight with the ones they love in order to avoid their real emotions and the more serious issue that is occurring. You need to be more forgiving and flexible during this time and realize that this is your last time to be a family together.

Answer 5

Some parents can't let go of the control that they have had over their kiids for 18 yrs. They use guilt, anger and a myriad of other emotions to try to control their offspring. Your situation does sound somewhat unique with your mother in her condition. If she really needs you there (only you can determine that) it may be best to stay. But getting out on your own is a good thing. You need your independance.

Answer 6

i say move back in while ur mom is still alive then when she is gone move out. but as well parents dont mean to put guilt trips on thier kids its just they have reasons for doing it , probably cause u wont listen any other way. and kids put even worse guilt trips on thier parents and alota times its for pretty stupid reasons , at least parents have better reasons for doing it

Answer 7

If you are old enough to get out on your own then DO IT !!! and don't turn back not now not ever...

You can be there for them and visit them and what ever but DON'T MOVE BACK IN !!!

Then the parents will really be a ball buster to you and you'll have to move all over again !!!

Answer 8

Its the other way around. Your parents dont seem to be the issue. You are and you want people to tell you that you are not the issue. Your parents love you and you will never understand this until you have your own kind and in soime ways go through what your parents are going through. Grow up and be responsible and stop being childish and crying to get sympathy everyting things dont go your way. Take responsibilty for your actions and while doing that always remember that your parents love you.

Answer 9

Unfortunately a lot of parents feel that kids "owe" them. They think because they raised you that now you must do what they want as a repayment. It is totally wrong. This is your life and they should know that. You didn't ask to be born, but now you are here and deserve to have a happy life.

Answer 10

I am sorry to hear that but parents always want what is best for their kids.