Serious Question Needs Serious Answers About Personal Interaction?

Question

Although I am not the most sociable person I know, I try to make an effort with my wife's family and friends.

HOWEVER, there is one "friend of the family" that I have not liked from the moment I met her, and never will. It's one of those things where it's "hate at first sight". My wife gets upset when I won't talk to the woman, and she says I'm constantly rude to her (which I am).

So, the question is: how does one learn to be at least civil around a person that makes thier skin crawl? I MUST find a way, because we keep having to ride to family functions together, and sometimes that means hours in the same vehicle together.

Please help. I'm not a bad person essentially, but I cannot do this without real help.

Okay, seen some answers so far, appreciate the efforts. Little more info: I have gone to wife for help, she thinks it shouldn't be hard for me to just be polite, but expects more than a brief 'hello' and a smile. This woman might take that as an opening to talk more. As to what bothers me about her: shrill voice, bad singing, unwillingness to speak English when in mixed company (her and wife's family Filipino, but most of her family will at least speak 50/50 mix when I'm around, my son (who's 3) doesn't like her either but she's always trying to kiss him and when he backs away my wife gets upset. Have nothing in common with her, but she is at every family and close friend function. As to why, she was friend of wife's brother (he lives in Maryland now) who intergrated herself to the family. No one (especially wife) can tell me more then that. She also acts as mule for family when she goes back to Philippines to visit, taking stuff for them and bringing stuff back. But that's not love.

Answer 1

My husband has the same problem with one of my friends and he just doesn't interact with her. I will go out with my friend and he doesn't come along. If its a friend of the family and you see her, then try to avoid her and if you do have to be close and speak to her, you can still be cordial and kind without having to carry on a lengthy conversation or be rude in what you say.

Tell your wife that you won't like everyone that you come in contact with. EVER! Personalities clash, views of specific ideas or other things are very opposite. Just because she is a friend it doesn't mean that you have to be. Don't you have a friend that she doesn't like? Its fine and she is wrong to make you be her friend.

Answer 2

I have the same problem with a friend of my husband's, and I just hate being around him. For the most part, I just excuse myself to run an errand or make a very long phone call. He sets a bad example for my children too, so I'll either take the kids for a walk while he's there, or if I know in advance he'scoming by, I'll plan a movie or some other outing.

In the instance where I absolutely MUST be around him (ie like your car trips), if he engages me in conversation, I am polite.... but I work the conversation around to something I know he can't stand to talk about and he eventually leaves me alone. This way I avoid being directly rude, and I am pretty sure he thinks twice about talking to me now.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

actually- i struggle with the same problem. Generally, i try to be a nice person- but when i get the wrong vibe from a person, i'll be a total b*tch to them without really thinking about it.

My best advice is something i'm sure everyone's parents preach to them at one time or another... "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"... when you see the woman you loathe, just give a quick, polite "hi" with a forced smile, and leave it at that. All your wife asked is that you weren't rude to her, she didn't say you had to be her best friend and spend hours in conversation with her, right? As my mom always said, "kill 'em with kindness"

i'm sure this woman knows you're not particularly fond of her... people can sense that kind of thing... so, maybe she tries to piss you off as well, by being around all the time... if you're even the slightest bit nicer to her, you may find that she backs off a little bit.

hope that helps!

Answer 4

If she means a lot to your wife and her family then you should become cordial to her. I don't gather that you know a lot about her situation, but if you did - would that change your impression of her? If she was an orphan? Abandoned? Your wife won't fill in the blanks, there may be a reason why.

You can always engage in small talk about meaningless subjects to be good company. There's no emotional investment in that, and it does make the time pass faster. Just recognize that this may be one of those tasks that comprise the "good husband" tag and play along. You might surprise yourself.

Answer 5

My husband felt the same way about my best friend, who her and I were wild when we were younger, and he just hated her from the moment he met her. And well it was for good reason, I am totally under the impression that if you have a bad feeling about someone there is usually valid reason, even if it looks otherwise..It ended up that she was sleeping with my ex, whom I have a daughter with....Yeah, let me just say women don't do that, and second off, I wouldn't want her near my children if my life depended on it...
Reguardless, there has to be a reason why you dont like her, and to be civil I would make as little conversation as I could and really take a crash course in "How to be polite" unless you want problems with your wife, you know that is a good Idea, ask your wife to help you be nicer, Its worth a shot, I mean if your coming here to ask for help you must be desperate...Not speaking highly of others on here with that one but....I calls it as I see's it...-nods-
Ciao and good luck..

Answer 6

I've met a few people I've not liked from the get-go, too, and while I avoid being around them, it's not always easy. In your case, it's inevitable being it's a family issue.

Perhaps you can ask yourself WHY you "hate at first site" with this woman. There must be a reason that set your first impressions to instantly 'dislike' her. You need to be honest with yourself, too. Maybe when you find out why and what it is about this particular person that makes your skin crawl, you'll be able to discover how to deal with it. Is it her looks? Her personality? What she says, what she doesn't say? What is it about her that gets you so upset enough to write about? Maybe try to think of something about her that IS of value, like why does your wife like her? Does everyone else like her? Once you figure out exactly what triggers your emotional responses, maybe you'll be able to figure out how to deal with it.

Answer 7

be overly nice. its a southern trick that southerners do to outsiders, normally northerners. as i am southern bred, but lived up north since i was a child, i've been subjected to it until they realize that i am from the south. so i've seen the shift.

this is how it works.
this woman knows you hate her, so don't worry about being misconstrued. You be polite to a point. be absolutely correct in everything you do. by following ALL the rules, but putting no personality into your behavior your will be freezing her with kindness. there will be nothing that anyone can point to to say that you're being mean, but it will be obvious from your lack of warmth that you dislike her.
and you won't find this hard to do, because you'll have the satisfaction of dissing her without her being able to say anything about it.
its really a cruel thing to do, and the genteel women of the south have perfected it.

Answer 8

I know how you feel -- I feel that way about most of my husband's family (mostly his mother and brother) and of course I have to be nice to them. So, since these people are not what I would call intelligent, I have fun with them. I've developed a way to insult them when they actually think I am giving complements. Keeps everyone happy and I still get to them tell what I think about them, but they are too dumb to understand.

Answer 9

Just find something else to do while the friend is around....

Ah Oh....you forgot to do this or that..see ya later...