make me laugh?

Question

tell me a joke if i laugh the loudest at yours u get get 10

yeah im not gay but you should change your name to sausage licker

Answer 1

you're not gay

Answer 2

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your *** is gone."
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You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, Mama

Answer 3

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.

After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.

The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.

"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"

"Is that right" the nun replies?

"Yes."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camels *** and lets get the hell out of here!"

Answer 4

this is like the funniest joke ever.

one day a man was driving down a road and saw a farmer in the side of the road and saw that he was selling apples and the sign sed apples $5 so he got currious and decided to stop by and take a look y these apples cost so much.

so he stops by and he asks the farmer y are the apples five dollars? the farmer said " these is some special apples dem derr made of penut butter and jelly" so the man buys one and takes a bite he tastes the penut butter but not the jelly the farmer sed turn it around and sure nuff the other side of the apple tastes like jelly.

the farmer sed i got some more but these are ten dollars these are ham and cheese apples so the man buys one and tastes it and sure nuff it tastes like ham but no cheese so the farmer sez turn it around and sure nuff it tastes like cheese.

the farmer sez i got some really special apples but these are 50 dollars. he sez these are p*ssy apples so the man buys some and sed these taste like shyt the farmer sez turn it around..............

Answer 5

> A man had great tickets for the All Ireland final. As he sits down,
another
> man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
> "No,"he says. "The seat is empty."
>
> "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
> seat like this for the All Ireland Final, the biggest sporting event in
the
> world and not use it?"
>
> He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
> come with me, but she passed away. This is the first All Ireland Final we
> haven't been to together since we got married."
>
>
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you Find
> someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
>
>
> Wait for it.....................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Answer 6

there was a truckie driving across outback australia and he sees a hitch hicker....so he decides what the hell...i'll pick him up....the truckie stops and the guy gets in the truck and off they go. up the road the hitch hicker says to the truckie "wow mate...i like ur monkey sitin on the dashboard"..."hes a good monkey" says the truckie..."oh, what does he do" asked the guy..."i'll show u" says the truckie...so the truckies slaps the monkey, he jumps down onto the seat, un does his zip, gives the truckie head and zips him back up..."omfg" says the guy... "i dont believe what i saw!"... the truckie says "i'll show u again"...so he repeats the act..."wow!" says the hitch hicker...."he's a great monkey"..."yeah mate...feel free to have a go" says the truckie...and the hitch hicker replies with a serious grin... "oooooh nah mate! i cant suck as good as the monkey!" : )

Answer 7

well its not a joke but its the way my day went yesterday .. well anyways I was walking from the bedroom and stepped on a crayon. as i bent over to pick it up I felt something come out of my rear end. well i couldnt make it to the bathrrom so i had stuff running down my leg.. so i jump in the shower and all of a sudden i fall down... now i have a bloddy knee and face as i fell face forwards.. so i scream for my wife and she runs into the bathrrom and sees me covered in poo and bloody and is like omg... so she tells me to get out of the shower and she calls a ambulance now the paramedics come and see me all well poopy and bloody. they are afraid to touch me as i am just nasty... well anyways i go to the hospital get 15 stitches to my face, they tell me i have herpies and my leg has a severe sprain. oh did i mention i couldnt use the potty while i was there so they shoved a catheder (spelling)? in my pee shoot omg its burning still. so 4 hours later they finally let me go home. all i wana do is come home and go to bed.. is that to much to ask i guess so. well anyways i get home and the landlord tells me that we forgot to turn off the water so now are apartments flooded and we have to pay the bill to get all the water cleaned up .so anyways i go to bed wake up a few hours later and i see the dang crayon on the ground still so i bend over and pick it up and realize that they must have forgot to take a needle out of my butt so i start screaming again... my wife started to laugh thinking i pooped myself again.. but anyways the moral to this story is dont buy crayons they are just evil

Answer 8

Man falls asleep at church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ***!"

Answer 9

An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up??!!"

Answer 10

when Chuck Noris goes in the water Chuck Noris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Noris.

Chuck Noris isn't hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Chuck Noris.

Answer 11

Did you heard about the constipated professor?

- He worked it out with a pencil