My 14 yr old son had an argument with us and left home on Monday night. What should we do?

Question

The argument started because he painted his fingernails black and we asked him to remove the colour before school started the following day. He refused and said that it was cool to have black Gothic look. It may be so but not for school

So after a heated argument, he left home. He said he wanted to do some soul searching. It has been 3 days. He kept in touch though, through calls and MSN and has just asked if he could come home.

When he does, how should we receive him so that he will not think we are "weak" and continue to defy / take advantage / take things for granted in future??

We love him and he said he loves us but being a rebellious teen, we think he is trying to test us to see how far he can annoy us.

But we must discipline him now before it's too late and we lose him completely.

Answer 1

First of all, I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is never easy to figure out what YOU should do, even though a lot of people have their own opinions on how you should handle it.

SO, that said, I feel that you should welcome him home and make sure he is in an environment that will keep him safe. Of course, you want him to be able to express himself, but you want a safe environment for him to do so.

Receive him back with love, but discipline also. He must know that he has support and love from his family, but disobeying you, his parents, will not work. He will keep pushing and pushing if he thinks he can do these things freely with no reprimands.

When he first comes home, I think you should sit down with him and have a difficult conversation about what he did and why that was not the right approach. Encourage him to come to you and talk if something is going on, BEFORE he decides to run away. He obviously loves and respects you because he called and sent you IMs. As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he needs his parents.

The discipline...take away things that enable him a lot of "interaction" with people. Take away the phone, computer, trips out with friends, and anything that he enjoys. Gradually add it back over time and let him know that you are in charge. If he runs away again, involve the police immediately. That will not only help ensure his safety, which is the FIRST priority, but it will show him that you are VERY serious and do not take the behavior lightly.

Encourage him to talk to you and be open and receptive. Don't get into yelling and screaming matches...those don't work! Instead, take some deep breaths and be calm and try to understand where he is coming from, even if you disagree. He will make decisions that you don't like, but chances are that he will outgrow a lot of this behavior.

You sound like a very strong person and I can tell you love him a lot, and he loves you. This is difficult, but you will get through it.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, it's going to be a fine balance between not being seen as too restrictive ( in his eyes) and not caring about him. All I can suggest is an old chestnut - try to sit down with him and talk it over. Perhaps ask him questions rather than stating facts. For example" Why do you think we are doing these things ( re: fingernail polish)?". Regardless of the answer, proceed along the lines of " Do you think we should take no notice of anything you do? Let you go anywhere at any time? Let you stay away from school for as long as you want if you don't want to go? " This should elicit a response of "No" ( hopefully). Once you've got that, try to see if you can get HIM to suggest a solution. That way, you won't be seen as over bearing or too interfering. Maybe another tactic would be to say something like " If you were a parent, would you let your children do anything they want?" He might say "Yes" but I find the best way to deal with it is to go to extremes. For example " Would you let a 3 year old cross a busy street by themself?". Would you let a four year old go the the mall by themself?". Would you let a seven year old go out at night and not care where they went or when they came back?". As I said, hopefully he will say "No". Once you have that, see if you can get him to see that you are doing this becuse you love him. Tell him that you were probably the same when you were his age ( he might not believe it!) and that everyone goes through this. My basic advice is to try to get him to agree with you that maybe there should be a line that can't be stepped over but that it's for a good reason. Good luck.

Answer 3

rom what I am hearing this is not uncommon for early teens. I just went through this a week ago and I know the pain hurt, worry and heartbreaking feelings that you experienced. We were told to file a missing persons report/ or report him as a runaway. That way we had the police helping us in the search.
The situation was similiar, he got angry, stormed out and said he was going to spend the night at a friends. He didn't.
It was very hard to fill out the report but, it sent a message to him.
Now, he knows that if he chooses to runaway again, it goes on file and he could be put in a juvenile detention center.
I truly believe that punishment is not something that needs to be done here. I believe you need to talk with him about the emotional stress that you were under. The worry the concern etc. And that family will always be there for you.............don't run away from problems but, work together as a team.
Mom, listen. Moms and Dads everywhere are cringing at what hair styles their children have, what they are wearing, the friends that they hang out with..................it's the teen years. We did it to our moms and dads too.
If he wants to wear black nail polish.............it will not be forever and probably someone at school will make fun of him and really bring the message home so that he never does it again.
If teachers say anything..................shake your head and say.......it's hard finding yourself these days.
But, it is really hard for us as parents to view our kids as teens. We still see them as our babies. We need to give them more responsibility and really study how harmful what they are doing is.
Painting his fingernails isn't hurting him or his character..........it's just painting his fingernails to get a reaction. Pick your battles and bite your tongue on the rest.
Then pray and pray some more.

Answer 4

Your son is just asserting his individuality. Every 14 year old in the world goes through a similar phase. My suggestion is to let him express himself however he wants, as long as it isn't dangerous or risky. He needs this time to find out who he is, even if you don't necessarily agree with the means by which he does it. Like I said before, its just phase... your son will eventually realize where you are coming from on this.

By telling your son that he can't express himself creatively, you're creating a void-- and leading him to possibly try things that you would most certainly dissapprove of, just to spite both of you.

Answer 5

When you find him, beat his a**!!! No child should be running around looking all gothic, there is nothing cool about it! He is only 14, take the belt out and whoop him!
There is nothing a 14 y/o BOY needs to search for.
Apparently you did not spank him when he was younger.. thats the problem with parents today, NO DISCIPLINE!
Let me find out my daughter pulls some crap like that, she will get her butt whooped!

Answer 6

Tell him to come home. After he gets there have your talk, not before. Get him home and safe.
My son wanted his ear pierced. His father and I both said no way. He was really mad that he couldn't so we approached him this way. We said, " You know, you are right. You should have your ear pierced. We agree that as soon as you turn 18 you can go have it done. " For some reason telling him he could later worked for him. Strange huh? He never had it done. Good luck to you. Just get your boy home and talk things over then.

Answer 7

Firstly let him know that u r there when he needs u ,but he should also respect u and your house rules.
Tell him that it is his life and he probly knows the best way to live it but being goth is no answer.
Then remember he might be this way for now but it won't last really long either, after a while he will realise that there is much more to life then darkness

Answer 8

It sounds like you already know what to do. Accept him lovingly back into your home. Let him know that there are consequenses to his rebellion. in the future, consider making a police report and consider the advice of the officer regarding taking him into custody. Your son will think twice before leaving again if you allow the athourities to step in.

Answer 9

Lay down the law. Set some guidelines. While it is important for teeneagers to express their individuality, they also need discipline. Tell him that during the week he dresses repectfully and on weekends he can go "goth" if he chooses. Hopefully he'll outgrow that fad soon.

Answer 10

Hi, well I think it is important that when he comes home you should show that you accept him however he is and constantly show that you love him no matter what. If he sees all the good love and devotion you show to him then perhaps he will be regretfull for causing you pain, and want to make you happy by being the best that he can be.