Have no desire to see elderly father due to his abuse when I grew up.Anyone else feel the same way about .?

Question

I have been away from my Childhood home for over 25 years now,and as I have gotten older obviousley so has my Dad.My Dad remarried after my Mom died when I was 3 to this very abusive woman.The problem was all the abuse went on while he was at work,whenever we would bring up to my Dad he always took his wifes side.It wasnt as much physical abuse as it was emotional.For example She would always say to us (when Dad wasnt around)how much she hated having us Kids around,if she had a choice she would get rid of us.We also were never allowed to talk or even ask question about our Mom.I got tired of this abuse when I was 16 and ran away from home and never went back.
Heres my Dilemma,now that some years have passed this stepmother thinks she was the greastest thing on earth to us Kids.Now they want us to come up and Visit all the time.I just cant get myself to do that.Too many bad memories.If my Dad would just admitte he wasnt the best father maybe I could handle visiting them.any advice.

Answer 1

Yep, just stay gone. Been there done that.

Answer 2

Yes, I do know how you feel. After 36 years I finally wrote my father a letter and told him that I had no problem with the possibility of being written out of his will but wanted to know what I'd done to be written out of his life. All I could do in the end was accept his weaknesses as a parent and either resolve to forgive him or not to forgive him. In your case, chances are that if he or the stepmother were confronted by the past they would only excuse their actions or give conditional apologies (i.e., your right but we did what we did because...) that leave you feeling stupid for all the years you've carried this hurt despite knowing your feelings are valid. Pour yourself into making sure that you don't through your own children repeat the past. That is truly the best way to resolve those old wounds because you then get to see through the eyes of your own children that what they did was wrong, that you were right and were/are a better parent than they. Visit them if you want - don't if you don't, but remember this. Don't doubt for a minute that whether they ever say so or not they know what they did was wrong - they do. And everytime they see you and better yet, see the love your children have for you that they didn't share with you and your siblings, it gets to them more than you'll ever know.

Answer 3

Parents have selective memories. Children are not children to some......they are a way to express your anger or grief upon. You step moms way wasnt the best.....but I gather she must have been fairly young at the time too.

You want an apology for how she was then and how your Dad supported her....like he had a choice, given he had to work and she was left to interact with his children, who she had no biological bond with. She had a lot of anger, towards your father, for that and your Dad was passive so he didnt lose HER too, like he did your mom.

I'd say.........you've become an adult now but you havent dealt with your issues as a child. One never can if there is a bridge of time...of growing together. BUT you are an adult now and things change. Your Dad knows he wasnt the best or you wouldnt have left home so early AND you would have been in his life all the time. Your stepmum knows she could have done better but wants to put the best face on it. Begging is a bit...ewww and weird...given they didnt do anything overly abnormal, just failed to have a smooth transition to the Brady Bunch.

Parents have faults, they have anger management problems, they have fears, they dont know how to say sorry...especially if they were doing the best they could but it turned out crap. You have hung on to this stuff for a very long time........and they are old now. Dont you think its time to shove off the childhood issues and just take them on board as possible friends again?

Go see them....and view them as new friends...not past enemies. She cant hate you now that she no longer is thrust into mummy mode. Probably didnt see you in that light anyway, she was just overwhelmed and had a bad way of expressing herself. And your dad never hated you...just needed a babysitter while he was working. It will heal you more if you get to know them again...if you can push your anger to the side and see them as just people.

Answer 4

Like you said, ur father is an elder and you might lose him any day now. Im thankful I had a great supportive dad and I only wish I could have cherished him more. Anyway, even though life hasnt been fair, he is your father and you need to learn to forgive. I know Im in no position to tell u what to do, but I do think you need to let ur guard down a little. Your father cant expect you to be all loving either but just go see him and let him know you have forgiven him. Its not good to keep bottled up feelings for long. Best of luck to you and think about the possibilities. Think hard and once again good luck.

Answer 5

Gosh, they certainly were abusive. Yet, they are trying to reach out, now. And your question indicates to me that you are torn about what to do. Are you really in a tough spot because now they've created an image of saint-hood? That's what we call it in our family, the family crumudgeon turns into a saint as life nears its end.

It was a brave step, when at 16, you left home for good. It was a blessing that you survived and grew into an adult that could question your own motives in this situation. Let's give you credit for that and for whatever steps you took that allowed this reprochment to occur.

You saved yourself at 16 from continuing neglect. Their actions didn't cause you to miss any growth or time with your father and step-mother. Rather, their actions and inactions caused THEM to miss out on really knowing and loving you. Their loss, not yours.

Your father will probably never admit to you what a jerk he was. His wife, in turn, will never recognize how she almost destroyed your life. And, in the spirit of the thing, neither will recognize how your actions at 16 were crucial for your development as an independent adult. You succeeded when so many fail.

First, recognize you are a better man, if that's appropriate, than your father, or one hell of a woman if you were able to survive at 16.

Second, you've spent some year's controlling your life now. Go on and continue to enjoy your freedom. They want "us" (your family?) to "come up and visit all the time." Go alone. Go occassionally. Go to check reality. Go with your lover or best friend. But, when you go, keep control of your time, like you did at the bravest moment of your life.

The final thing I would suggest is to open up to other family members when appropriate. People don't want to hear this stuff ad naseum. But, from time to time, give 'em a shock of what life was like for a 16 year old too battered to stay home.

That reality check won't sit well with people delighted with dear, dear auntie... Those people weren't the 16 year old on the streets because she was so immature and selfish.

Remember, there is a devil's advocate in every sainthood. And, it's not a full-time job, just a pastime.

Answer 6

R u my brother - dam i swear for god that was my life

but add in some physical abuse, mental abuse and emotional abuse and you have my life

I became a survivor, didn't worry about what my dad thought, what my brothers and sisters thought, what the stepmother from hell thought and moved on in my and worried about what I thought of me, where im going in life and what I want to do.

my mother passed when us kids were little and dad passed when we were older and let him pass without me

I have no desire to speak to any of the family, I dont need them to admit to nothing because I know the truth.

take care of you and make you successful I did it so can you

good luck and pray man pray

Answer 7

People make mistakes in life,harbouring you hurt only hurts you on the inside,maybe talking to your father after all these yrs he will be able to listen to your thoughts,feelings.I learned this lesson from experience,my mother took my step fathers side when i was 14 i left home never to return after 15 yrs of harboring anger i got in touch by sending her a letter of forgivness,now that i wish to contact her i cant find her,at least you have the oppurtunity to face your past so you can lay it to rest,Good luck,God bless:O)

Answer 8

depends on you ....can you live with the fact thet you will never ever gonna rebuilt the relationship with your father? Have you move on without carrying any baggage around to your next relationship and perhaps to your own children? If you can say yes to that ....you do not need to reconciliate your relationship with your dad.....or you could penned a letter and said everything you need to said to your step mother and father let them have it and move on......

Answer 9

i would try one more time. Just for your sake. You don't want to be the one with regrets. You don't have to be buddy buddy with the step mother. but you can still see your Dad.

Answer 10

if your father wants you kids around than he would better apologize, i don't think you should give up just like that, i mean you needed him while growing up and now that you're independent and don't need him he wants to act like a carrying father.
my opinion

Answer 11

only you can decide what to do here, forgiving someone who abused you is probably one of the greatest challenges anyone can go through...i wish you luck!