Ok so it was my birthday today, so, doea anyone want to put a smile on my face by telling a good joke?

Question

10 points to the funniest!

Answer 1

oh cool! It was my mum's birthday today as well! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! here's a joke....
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh it."

Answer 2

This is more of a story but it is bloody funny if u dont try too hard when reading it, all will become clear please bear with it its worth the time for the laughs!:

Cinderella

This is the story of Cinderella and her Sugly Isters…

Cinders and her Sugly Isters lived in a marge lansion. Cinders worked hard frubbin scloors, weaning clindows, emptying poss pits and shivelling shut. By the end of the day she was nucking fackered.

Her Sugly Isters were fight cuckin’ runts. They did no wucking ferk and had no wucking furries; they were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other Betty Swollocks. They were always pucking fissed.

The two Sugly Isters had tickets to go to the ball. Cinderella was ducking fisgusted when the cotton runts would not let her go. Buttons worked with Cinders; he was gifted with nuge hackers and a shairy hithole. He was also a candy runt and liked Cinders to give him a wood gank. He was always diving into Cinders’ hubic pairs.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and a Gairy Fodmother appeared. (Her real name was Sherry Tighthouse.) She was a light rucking fesbian with a carge lairy hunt and tairy hits. She turned a pumpkin and six might wice into a huckin’ cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys with buge hollocks. Cinders was amazed. “Miste all crucking fighty!” she said. The Gairy Fodmother said Cinders must be back by 12 O’clock or there would be a crucking falamity.

At the ball Cinders danced with the Pransome Hince. A band called Sid Siff and his Siffling Seven was playing the music. They were gucking food, but too nucking foisy. It was that drucking fummer, what a rucking facket! The cabaret was hucking fopeless. When he blew his trucking fumpet, he was bucking frilliant, but he was a bigheaded banky wastard, and we wished he would stick his trucking fumpet up his ucking farsehole!

Suddenly the clock struck 12. Cinders pucking fanicked and ran out of the ballroom, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper. The next day the Pransome Hince came knocking on Cinders’ door. The Sugly Isters let him in and Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fuge hart. “Whose fust jarted?” said the Pransome Hince. “Blame that forrible hucker over there,” said Buttons.

The shell of smit was tucking ferrible. When the stinking brown cloud lifted the Pransome Hince tried the slass glipper on the Sugly Isters without success. They had horrible fetty sweet and fetty swannies. Suddenly Mary Hinge in a fit of trucking femper gave the Hince a nick in his kackers. (This was not difficult because he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on.) He tried Cinders and the fipper slitted pucking ferpectly. “Puck my siles!” said the Hince. “Suck your own,” said Buttons. Soon Pinders and the Crince were mappily harried. He spent his days in lucking fuxury. She ended hers with a follen swanny.

And they all lived happily ever after…

Answer 3

Well, Happy Birthday. I won't ask your age.


14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out


14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she
learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to [e-mail]

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious [e-mail]

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Answer 4

english man, irish man and scottish man
they go to the olympics, as they near the gate the warden asks for tickets, they did not have any,
sorry said the warden only the persons in the olympics come through this gate.
they went away,
a little later the englishman came back with a tennis racquet, where are you going asked the warden,
im in the tennis match later replied the englishman, of very good go on in said the warden.
along came the scottish man with half a tree
were are you going asked the warden.
Im in the games tossing the caber replied the scottishman
very good said the warden go on in.
along came the irish man with a load of wire.
where are you going asked the warden
Im in the games fencing said the irish man.

best i could think of at moment

Answer 5

Three would be agents trying out for the CIA, two men and a woman. They all pass with flying colours, until the final test, where they were tested to see if they would obey orders no matter what. They are told to walk through a door, and kill whoever was on the other side.
First man is given a gun, and walks through the door to find his wife sitting on a chair on the other side. He comes back out and says, "Sorry, but I just couldn't do it," and goes home.
Same thing happens with the second man. The woman is then given the gun. She walks through the door, which closes behind her. There is a BANG, followed by several more... BANG, BANG, BANG, and then loud crashes and screams.
She comes back through the door all dishevelled and out of breath and says, "You idiots put blanks in the gun, I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"

Answer 6

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

oh, and happy birthday...hope this helped

Answer 7

Happy Birthday! how old are you? just kidding!


i thought ihad a good joke, but watsherface just gave the funniest joke, mine went right out of my head. im sorry, but happy birthday anyway!

Answer 8

Hi sweety, Happy Birthday. I'm not telling u this joke to be the funniest but atleast i'll b able the make u smile on ur birthday.

Well, A man with his family went to the beach, so his little boy, saw a naked woman, he came on running, asking his father wat is it( pointin under her waist line) So his fahter told him, it the bank.

While playing he saw a naked man on the beach, he came on runnin asking his father was is it ( still pointin under the waistline) his dad tells him its capital.

A couple of hours later, the little boy came runnin, n tell his dad

" Daddy, daddy, a man is depositing his capital in mom's bank!"

Answer 9

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU i cant pick a best joke so here's a million http://www.thejokeyard.com/ and the best birthday song i ever heard was techno-head happy birthday 1 of my faves

Answer 10

so girl and guy have nice night, then guy takes out cigarettee and asks girl if she has lighter, she says in the box, he opens it and sees a pic of a man, he asks is this ur husband she syas no. he asks is this ur bf she says no. he says who is this. she is like it was me before operation [: happy birthday it just happens to be my loves birthdAy as well [: