should i be mad?

Question

my best friend since 5th grade just got married. i am so happy for her. my question is should i be mad that i wasnt her maid of honor or even a brides maid? she instead picked some one shes only known for about two years. i feel hurt and betrayed b/c growing up we always said that wed be eachothers maid of honor. we are both 20 and there was a couple of years we didnt hang out as much before the wedding but we still talked. i just dont understand why she did this. i feel hurt and betrayed very much. even at the wedding i almost cried but i didnt want to say anything about it. and ruin her day. what are your thoughts and please be serious, im really hurt.

Answer 1

You have every reason to be upset and even mad. I would be! Holy Christ, my best friend of 10+ years better make me her maid of honor! I know exactly how that would feel. What a shitty situation.

Honestly, I would call her up and tell her you need to meet her somewhere to chat. Don't tell her over the phone. You need to get it all out when she can see your face and and hurt in your eyes. It ALWAYS has a bigger impact in person, and she should feel just as guilty for this as you felt pain.
Not that you should feel like revenge is the solution. This is not a matter of getting back at her and making her regret what she did... this is a matter of telling a friend (of many many years) that you didn't understand her reasoning and you were under the impression that you would be there for each other when your wedding days came.

The fact that she completely overlooked you when you've been a loyal friend for years is worth making a fuss over. Mostly because it meant something to you. She should know that, just like you've told her other things during your friendship that didn't sit to well with you, either! Always be honest even if it's harsh. It was harsh what she did, too. Put it right out there on the table and wait for her response. If she doesn't have an answer that pleases you or justifies her actions, then maybe you need to tell her that you'll be looking for alternatives for bridesmaids as well.
No sense in giving her a chance when she didn't even consider your desire to be in the wedding... and not just sitting in the pews.

Good luck, hon.

Answer 2

If I were you, I would be mad. But, I would also want an explanation. Try going to her and asking her why she didn't want you in her wedding. Ask her if you have done anything to cause her to choose someone other than you. Ask her if she remembers all the times you both had talked about being each others maid of honor, and why she agreed to it if she didn't plan on keeping her word. Maybe she feels as if the few years where you two didn't hand out as much put a barrier between you. Maybe she's upset that, for whatever reason, you stopped wanting to be around her so much. If the reason was because of the man she's now married to, maybe she's upset that you didn't support her enough in her relationship. I'm not saying you didn't, because I don't know the scenario. I'm just throwing out options and possible reasons. The point is, why don't you talk to her about it instead of asking everyone here? They don't know your friendship with her. Why did you both stop hanging out so much? What's her side of the story? Why does she feel closer to this other friend that she's only known for a couple of years instead of you, who's she's known since 5th grade? These are questions you need to ask her. I hope everything works out. Try not to hold too much resentment towards her until you know her side of the story. good luck!

Answer 3

Honestly, no. Hurt, yeah ofcourse it's a normal human response, but there are a hundred reasons why she may not have choosen you, and if you didn't ask that very important question, I don't really think you have the right to be upset over something you are just theorizing about. It may have nothing to do with the fact that you guys didn't talk so much for a period of time, it may not even have anything to do with you. if she alike some women I know, just has this very specific picture for her wedding in her head it could have come down to something as trivial as height (I had a friend who only picked people who were matched well together by height), she being the boisterous type made sure everyone knew why she was choosing them. Also, other people let their decisions for their weddings be over shadowed by their mothers or mother in laws,...friends even co-workers. I mean if you look at it realistically there could be a million reasons why she didn't choose you, and all fo which may really have nothing to do with you.
I would have to say though, you seem like a very intelligent person, especially for asking before you get really mad and flare up at your friend. I think the best approach would be to keep a cool head, and simply ask her off handedly, Hey whatever happen to BFF, Maid of Honors in Each others weddings the whole she'bang? Did I give you the impression I wasn't interested? That way you look like your willing to accept some of the blame, and she won't feel like you are verbally or passive aggresively attacking her.

I know because I cut my bestfriend as maid of Honor, halfway through the planning, I did so because she kept remarking about how she didn't know anything about weddings, and why would anyone leave her in charge of everything, I ended up getting the feeling she really wished I hadn't chose her, so instead of calling her out infront of everyone, I called her politely and stated that it would probably mean more to my cousin Jamie to be my Maid of honor,...and although I think she was a little hurt, she was actually rather relieved as well.

Hope that helps even a wittle bit,...

Dora

Answer 4

No, you shouldn't be mad whatsoever. Your maid of honor is usually the woman you feel closest to, and that obviously was not you. The bridesmaids are also usually close friends/family of the bride & groom. The bride spends a lot of time with the maid of honor and bridesmaids, so she probably picked her best friends. Plus, maybe she did not want to have a big wedding party, so she really only picked girls she's really close to. That makes perfect sense to me.

I'm not trying to be mean to you, but friendship is based on quality, not quantity. Just because you knew the bride longer then her maid of honor, or other bridesmaids does not mean they didn't deserve to be in the wedding. As you'll learn, friendships grow and change, and what you promised someone when you were little isn't always what is right when you're an adult. There is really no reason for you to be upset at all...

Answer 5

OK to be honest I think I would be mad. I just got married last month and my best friend of 14 years was my maid of honor. We had some years of not much talking and we have went our separate ways for the most part, but she was always my best friend and we always said we would be in each others weddings I'm not gonna go back on that and I know she wouldn't either. Maybe now that the wedding is over you should just talk to her about it. Try not to be mean, just ask her. Tell her how you feel.

Answer 6

You are thinking of yourself and not of her, on her special event. No wonder she didn't choose you as her maid of honor. It's her day, not yours. The person she picked is probably closer to her than you thought you were. Just because you knew of each other since the 5th grade, doesn't mean that you knew HER. Grow up! Let her enjoy her day. Is your real in your intentions, tell her she made a great choice, and thank the stars that you didn't have the responsibilities of the Maid Of Honor.

Answer 7

oh geez your 20 years old!! Call the wwaaabulance!!. You said that before her wedding, you guys didn't really hang out. Well maybe the person who was her maid of honor was helping her with the wedding, and was just there for her more. You cant hold a grudge against someone just because they didn't choose you. This is the thing that I dread about getting married... is having to think about all the complaints I'm going to hear just because I choose someone else as my maid of honor

Answer 8

No you shouldn't be mad. You know things change and maybe she must have legitmate reasons why her decisions. I have many good friends too many and it would be really hard for me to try to pick every single one them for an important occasion. Yet, you would pick somebody that is close to family, my husband to be and me of course. She also probrably based her dicision on who was ground headed because that is very nervewrecking day and the maid of honor is suppose to take charge and make the bride feel at ease. I mean I don't know you or anything but I'm just trying to come with a reason why??? But you shouldn't hold a grudge on your friend because if you go way back with her then this should not be a motive to destroy that.

Answer 9

I had a friend since first grade, believe it or not, who invited me to her wedding without a date and who also asked all our other friends to be in the wedding but I wasn't. I was glad that I didn't have to deal with the hassles of being in the bridal party and although she could have picked me to be in it, she much like me has many friends she's even closer to now. That could be what happened with you here. You should have asked her when she was planning the wedding, but that time's passed. She still wanted you to share in her special day and I think that says plenty right there. It could also be possible that she had to make certain people bridesmaids. I would try not to hold a grudge on this especially if everything else has been fine with you two. When you marry, you might want to consider leaving her out of your bridal party as well.

Answer 10

I've been friends with someone for even longer and we were out of touch for about five years. We were best friends before that time and are best friends again. During the years we were out of touch, we both got married and neither of us were in each other's weddings, but we attended them. There were no hard feelings from either one of us for not having been asked to be in the weddings. We cried at each other's weddings, but only because we were so happy for the other one.

Answer 11

I was in a similar situation. I also did not want to bring it up before or during the wedding because I did not want make a big deal of it. Although I was very sad. But I was happier for her and her husband on their big day. I just waited for an appropriate time to talk to her and I was able to express the way I felt. She also had a reason for not having me in the wedding. Even though I did not agree we hear each other point of view. Sometimes I think back and it makes me a little sad, but in time I will get over it. Our friendship is more important.

So I recommend you that at appropriate time you talk to her and express the way you feel. You might not agree with each other’s perspective, but do not keep it bottled up.