Got any good jokes??

Question

please and thank you!! : )

Answer 1

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey pal, what's up with the steering wheel attached to your crotch"

and you MUST say this aloud in your most convincing pirate voice!

"Arrrgh! It's driving me nuts"

Answer 2

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was
no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain
and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had
just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a
time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Answer 3

This is your Captain

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge t_i_t_s out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."


Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot 's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a s_h_i_t first."

Answer 4

a minister comes for inaugration of a flight
the officials tell him to just cut a ribbon
but the minister declines and tell that it would be better to
inaugrate with a flight!
after a lot of discussions.....they agree
at the moment the minister will be entering the plane,a school kid start crying and tells that he also wants to go with minister.
the minister agrees to take him though indicated by pilot that it was a three seater.
in air,there arises a serious problem
the engine is gone!!!
the minister orders pilot to give him a parachute
but he says that there are only 3 such
but minister arrogantly says that he has a meeting
the pilot gives him one...
after that another crew asks pilot...there are only 2 parachutes and we are three
how can we get down?
he says..relax....since the minister was too urgent i gave him the kid's bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Answer 5

Why the football game between Jamaica and Colombia canceled ?
Because the Colombians were blowing the white lines and the Jamaicans were smoking the grass.

Answer 6

A woman walks into a bar and sees a man with two blue drinks.
He's nice looking and she asks them what they are.
He says it is his special and it tastes so good that it allows him to fly around the building.
She laughs and so he orders her one.
He then downs both of his, goes to the window and flies around the building 3 times, landing at her feet.
She is amazed and immediately drinks hers and jumps out the window, falling 52 stories to her death!
The bartender shakes his head at the guy snickering and says,


"You sure nasty when you're drunk, Superman!"

Answer 7

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.

None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?", he asks.

"It's of a big rooster", she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for heavens sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

Answer 8

A man comes home from work exhausted, and upon walking into his house is greeted by his wife who says "honey, the sink is clogged up, can you fix it?"

The man says "What do I look like? A plumber?"

The next day he comes home and his wife asks him "Honey, the lights went out upstairs, can you fix it?"

And the man says "What do I look like? An electrician?"

The next day the husband comes home, the plumbing is fixed and the lights are working. He asks his wife "So who fixed everything?"

She says "Our neighbor fixed it when I told him what was wrong."

And the husband says "For free?"

She says "No, he actually said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

her husband looked at her skeptically and said "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

And she said "What do I look like? A baker?"

hahaha...

Answer 9

Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."
He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"


Here's another which may not be politically correct but it cracked me up!

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! "Oh my god its the pope " they all say at once "the midget says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him." So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Sir, are there midget nuns in America?", "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in the entire world?" "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there even such things as midget nuns?" "No, no, no." says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."

Answer 10

a white guy is driving
he sees a black person walking, so he hits them
so he kept driving and saw another black person so he hits them to
so after awhile he saw a prist, so he stop and picked him up
then a couple of mintues later he saw a black women walking
he said to him self that he didnt want to coment a sin in front of the pirst
so he closed his eyes and swered
when he opened them he said
o, man did i hit the black person
the pirst said no
but i nailed her with the door