My bf's ex called and said that she has an 8 in a half daughter. She might be his. She has never told him about her until now. She does not have custody of her daughter. The man who's name is on the birth certificate has custody of her. My boyfriend has never seen this might be daughter. Her name is Sade. I am 11 weeks pregnant and thought I was giving my bf his chance at being a father. It just doesn't feel the same now. My bf's ex told us, that if he is the father, she would give us custody of Sade. I just don't know what to do. Can anyone give me any advice. I'm just confused. I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother of a pre-teen daughter. I already have a 7 year old son.
2006-06-27 04:48:50 · 19 answers · asked by lnlyheart123 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
Get a paternaty test first, and then if she's his, demand answers from the ex. I mean, why's she telling u this now? It's not good for the child either, to let go of the "daddy" she's known for her whole life..does the ex and the current baby-daddy not get along now, or has she had some kind of revalation that she should put this fwd, or what? What's ur bf's feelings about this? If he wants to raise the child, and u love ur man, u should try as hard as u can to help him raise the girl, I mean, she's only a few years older than ur boy, so there shouldn't be any difference in that aspect. U'll know what's right in ur heart. Talk it over with ur guy, and trust ur instincts, they'll lead u in the right direction.
2006-06-27 04:56:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
There's one thing I haven't seen mentioned yet. You say, "She does not have custody of her daughter," and "if [my boyfriend] is the father, she would give us custody of Sade." These two statements are mutually exclusive. If she doesn't have custody of Sade, then she has no control over the little girl. The other man having custody means he is the sole care-giver, the one and only person able to make decisions regarding Sade.
Secondly, even if she did have custody of Sade, she can't just give Sade to you. A court has gotten involved, and the court will/has decide(d) where Sade will be.
Other than that, I agree with many people here. It is very harmful to take Sade away from the only father she's ever known. I wouldn't even bother with a paternity test unless Sade's biological mother is trying to get money from you, or if it's important *to your boyfriend* to know if he's the father or not. As the child is not in her custody, you'd probably have to get her current father to agree to the test, and I don't personally see the point without fulfilling one of the two examples I have above.
And it is true that you could probably get on one of Murray Povich's shows and not have to pay for the test, as long as you're ok with you and your family's drama being paraded in front of the nation for their entertainment. That includes parading Sade, the innocent in all of this.
Another question that may be pertenant; if Sade's biological mother doesn't have custody, why not? It is usually of utmost imporance in the court system to keep the children with their mother. The best a father can hope for is joint custody, unless the mother does something that proves that she (or her habits, friends, etc) are a postive danger to the children. Drug habits, prostitution, that sort of thing. In order to Sade to be taken away from her mom, her mom had to do something pretty bad. Assuming that's true, Sade's mom may just be trying to ruin Sade's dad's life because of a court decision she doesn't like, and doesn't care that she's harming Sade and your relationship as well.
2006-06-27 08:01:19 · answer #2 · answered by b30954 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I would not do anything until a paternity test has been taken, paid for by her. If the results are no, I would tell her to have a wonderful life. If the results are yes, I would have a serious talk with your boyfriend. By rights, although he had no idea and it took eight years, he should rectify this by at a minimum, offer some sort of support. If they can agree on a certain amount between them, have them write it down and sign it. If not, go to the courts and have it done legally. I live in Vegas and things are pretty strict here when it comes to that, I am not sure about where you live. You can do all of this unless you feel that it is not right...or maybe you decide to take custody of her. That might be kinda tough though. She is already molded into who she is and like you said...pre teen is rough. And who is the man that has her? Why not mom? Sounds like a rough life to me. And, whoever signed the birth certificate legally obligated themselves to be responsible for the child. I wish you all the luck. Try not to stress..you are pregnant and that will only harm you and the baby. Think about what is now...not eight years ago. Bless you all.
2006-06-27 05:01:06 · answer #3 · answered by BlackWidow 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should get a DNA test, just to know for sure if he is or not.
As far as the little girl goes, if the courts had awarded the other man custody and deemed him as the father, well then legally he is the girl's father. You may take it to family court to have everything changed, if your bf is the girl's biological father. But the question is why did this woman do this? And whats wrong with the man that has custody? If I were you I would do some investigating to find out the real problem with his ex.
2006-06-27 05:24:27 · answer #4 · answered by sweetsugakb24 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lucky for you that you have lots of time before your baby is born to sort all of this out.
First and formost, your bf will obviously have to have a paternaty test done to determine if the little girl is his.
If she is and assuming your bf is a responsible person, HE will have to do what is right. Accept the little girl into his life. It sounds like this poor child has had a rough 8 years. What kind of a mother would have a (basic) strange man raise her child? What kind of a mother would NOT let her child know who her father is? You must step out of your self and realize that this little girl has probably had a rough life and needs help. Who better to be there for her than her biological father?
What kind of a man would he be if he turned his back on HIS daughter, assuming she is his? If he could do that to her, don't you think he could possibly do that to the child you are carrying that is his?
You say you have another child who is obviously not his. Don't you think that "new father" feeling you are hoping he feels for your soon to be baby has been somewhat taken away because you already have this boy? Please don't be that selfish. Any child born into a family, whether it be the first or the fifth brings joy and new beginning to the family it is born into.
Work with your bf to help him through this situation. He probably wants to s h i t his pants with regards to this news. Should this girl turn out to be his, there is nothing you can do to change that fact. Be kind to her and welcome her to her new family.
mb
2006-06-27 09:22:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well to start with I'd say you should get a paternatiy test. And then you need to discuss with your boyfriend if he wants custody of Sade if she is his. But it may be better for her to stay with the father she knows, and have you close to her as "aunts" and "uncles" You don't need to take the leap to be her mother this quickly get to know her and see whats best for everyone.
2006-06-27 04:53:45 · answer #6 · answered by Lilel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would get the DNA test and take that poor girl.Thats sad she is only looking for her real father now cuz it looks like she wants to pawn the girl off on someone.Poor girl dont have a mom or dad.
8 is not much of a pre-teen do you call your 7 year old pre teen?
Then again if you wont be able to treat her like you do your own it wouldnt do any good to take her.
I feel bad for you the dad and the child what a selfish woman to wait for so long.Just dont take it out on the kid.
2006-06-27 04:58:41 · answer #7 · answered by Addie B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would do a paternity test to make sure. One thing to think about though is that if the man listed on the birth certificate has custody, he may not want to give it up.
2006-06-27 04:56:14 · answer #8 · answered by Adalina 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You made the choice to be with this man... well maybe not for better or for worse since you are not marrried. He is accepting your child I am sure so why wouldn't do feel right about doing the same for him? If she is his child and is in a bad situation then I think you'd feel differently. But be careful, this might not be the one either... you'll have 2 children by 2 men and looking for a daddy for both.
2006-06-27 04:56:07 · answer #9 · answered by Me 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd be really angry with her. She had no right to hold that secret for so many years. What kind of selfish person would do that? Is he asking for custody? Why does she want to just give this child away like a toy? This make me mad and sad. You are definitely put in a horrible situation and so is your man
2006-06-27 04:53:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋