What is the best joke you have heard so far?

Question

Tell me about the best joke u heard/ read so far.

Answer 1

LONG BUT OH SO FUNNY!!!!!
Stupid people should have to wear signsthat just say,"I'm Stupid"
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything.
It would be like,
"Excuse me...oops...never mind,
didn't see your sign."


It's like before my wife and I moved.
Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our
driveway.
My neighbor comes over and says,
"Hey, you moving?" "Nope.
We just pack our stuff up once or twice
a week to see how many boxes it takes.
Here's your sign."


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and
this idiot on the dock goes,
"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope.
Talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."


I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit.
And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want
you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when
they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign.
I don't wanna lose it."


Last time I had a flat tire,
I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations.
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he
said,
"Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist.
I said, "Nope. I was driving around and
those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."


We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.
We get back to the house,
he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See, if he'd been wearing his sign,
I could have stopped him.


I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you
know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I
couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his
basic questioning ... okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear
of needing a sign... until he asked,
"So, is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge...
here's your sign."


I stayed late at work one night
and a co-worker looked at me and said,
"Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


Know anybody who needs a sign? LOL

Answer 2

High Tech Women's Bodies

Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.

The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.

When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.

She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

Answer 3

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

Answer 4

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car - a MBW M3 and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to crap your yourself when you hear the price.

its so bad its funny lol

Answer 5

Its sunday and the preacher is saying his sermon. The sermon is about how alcohol is really bad. He said, "we should dump all of the beer, wine and whiskey into the river and never drink it again." There is usually a song after the sermon. The hymist was afraid to sing this song that she had chosen. The Song was "Lets all go down to the River." :D

Answer 6

this one makes some people fightin mad
what has 3 teeth and an IQ of 26?

the front row of a ***** Nelson concert

Answer 7

Well, this one is always a blast for me! haha. Australian jokes are usually pure stupid but you can absolutely kill yourself laughing at it's stupidity!

Q: Why did the koala fell off the tree?

A: Because it was dead

Q: Why did the kangaroo trip over?

A: It tripped over the dead koala

Answer 8

Momma jokes heres one I like the most Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.

Answer 9

this is the story of a man, he as ettremely fat. he went in a supermarket and asked for oranges. the clerk answered Einstein.

hahahahahaha. i know this joke sucks but if you hear it around midnight, you'll laugh for hours.

Answer 10

Why was the wonen making out with the steering wheel
because she was trying to blow the horn