Best sayings...?

Question

What is the most hilarious quote/saying u have ever herd....mine would be "grow your own dope...plant a man" - cracks me up everytime!! Come on people, share the humour! :D

Answer 1

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Answer 2

One day I saw a car in the parking lot with a bumper sticker that said:

PMS = PUNISH MEN SEVERELY!

I looked left and right and there was nobody watching, so I took my pocket knife and modified it by removing the second 'N' so that it read:

PMS = PUNISH ME SEVERELY!

I only hope they were at some big feminist rally before they finally noticed...!

Answer 3

Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. 

Answer 4

The guy who complains about the way the ball bounces is usually the one who dropped it.

Answer 5

School is like the hair at 15 your a$$ is full !!

Answer 6

Parents always saying..."Be careful" as you leave for somewhere. Always thought it to be so repetitive and vowed not to say it myself...well find myself saying it everyday at least 10 times to my 3 boys....We are our parents...oooohhhh!!!!

Answer 7

How about, "If we can put a man on the moon, how come we can't put them all there?"

Answer 8

in that vein...

Weed with no money will you get you through tough times better than money with no weed.

Answer 9

An old Chinese saying:

War does not determine who is right ...........it only determines who is left.

Answer 10

"if you're gonna ride my a$$, atleast pull my hair." --bumper sticker

Answer 11

Don't drink and drive, you might spill your drink!