Parent of 17 year old daughter needs advice.?

Question

My daughter is 17 years old and is dating a very nice 23 year old guy. I know that they have not had sex and he treats her very well. I know I am very lenient about even letting her date him but she is very ingrateful, disrespectful, wants to spend all her waking seconds with him and mopes around all day on the rare days she does not see him. Then she throws it in my face "Didn't you want to spend all your time with Melvin (my husband) before you got married?" She has a 11 oclock curfew during the summer and has trouble meeting that curfew at times. Am I wrong to let her see him and have so much freedom? Is the curfew too late/too early? Any advice?

Answer 1

She obviously needs more responsibility in her life. She needs bills to pay or a job to go to!

Answer 2

I think it is the perfect curfew for a girl her age. When I was 17 I was dating a 23 year old as well. My mother thought I wasn't having sex either. We got engaged and then I got pregnant. The wedding was called off (by him) and then I moved back in with my parents. He has never been around and has nothing to do with my daughter, she is 14 now. My husband has helped raise her since she was 2 and has always been her dad. I am strict with my daughters on dating and curfews. But they know why and that I don't want them to make the same mistakes I did.

Answer 3

No. Mom's aren't wrong, you are just trying to make it through the massive amount of changes that are coming. You are your daughter's mom, and you know what she is mature enough to handle and what she isn't.
Outside of that, you now have the issue of having to let go of some controls, as you are realizing that you have less and less. This time just sneaks up on moms when we least expect it.
Give your daughter trust, but keep the doors of communication open.
When I was younger, I wouldf tell my mom what i wanted to do. She'd listen to me, then have me tell her what the worst thing could be that would happen, what kind of situations could I get into, and how will I deal with it if it happens. It was a "plan" of sorts that we both had a part in.
It worked wonders. She showed me trust, and I catered to the protective side of her.
This is never easy. No mom wants to get a call from the police, or hear that their child is having a baby, or is doing drugs, etc. etc.
I am now a 39 year old mom, and if I don't see myhusband because he's away for a couple of days on work, I can get a little mopey, too. I miss him!!
This is new for her, let her go through the steps.
Good Luck, mom. This, too, shall pass.

Answer 4

apparently all teenagers are the same , the more you give.... the more they push. Personally I would not let her date him, nice guy or not. Honestly, why would a 23 year-old want to be with a 17 year-old? I have 2 teenage daughters I will not let them date anyone more than 2 years older than them. Right now that is enough age difference. If I was you I would put a stop to it before she gets in over her head. She is too young to be dating someone that much older than her. Of coarse she will hate you no matter what you do. That's all kids know today. No matter how you raised them they are selfish and want more that you can give. It will be OK... Its almost time for her to do it all on her own, but until then remember YOUR MOM!!!

Answer 5

Remind her that you are still the parent untill she is 18, and even after 18 as long as she lives in your home then she still has to follow your rules, and an 11 o clock curfew is being very lenlient. I give my 16 year old son a 10:00 pm curfew. Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

well first off if u try to stop her she from seeing him she will go behind your back and see him anyway she can . and when she turns 18 she will most likely move out of ur place and move in with the guy . if u let them see each other they will not do it bebind your back . and u will always have your daughter around . now 17 is old enough to be out till midnight .one hour more is not that much of a big deal . if they are going to do anything together as for sex it will be done before 11pm . try to work with ur daughter . u give she gives and mother daughter will get along together . just think when she gets older maybe the 2 of them married there is only 6years between them . u also said that u like him and he treats her good . u break them up she could get someone that will hurt her and she may leave and not come back . let them see were they are going . think about when u were dating .

Answer 7

When I was 17, I dated a 24 year old guy. It wasn't a problem as he was also respectful and it sounds like your daughter has chosen well.

However, the fact that she is being disrespectful to you despite your kindness and leniency makes me think that although she may have a nice guy, she needs to learn.

If she comes in late , ignore her moping and sulking, and ground her, even if it is only for one night. When she sees what she is missing out on, she'll soon start to abide by the rules a bit more.

Tell her what it was like when you were dating your husband, were you allowed out so late? I doubt it! Let her know that.

I think the curfew is fine, but in the same way as you could ground her for being late, you could prize her for good behaviour. If she behaves, comes in early etc... for a week, maybe you could let her out until 11:30 one night?

I hope all goes well, good luck to both of you.

Answer 8

After reading your story, it jumps out at me as to what your daughter says and does, which can be rather predictable. The real thing I was looking for is to find out who and what you are.

You said that you are "very lenient" and then later, you used a teenage term for "defiance" when you said she has "trouble meeting curfew times".

Call a spade a spade, she's defiant, she has little respect for adults, she does not perceive you as an authority to be reckoned with, and in fact you are perceived as a tormentor.

The seeds for this rebellion was sown years ago, when you didn't really have to invoke your parental authority. But you squandared those earlier years, and now she's paying the price. It's apparent that you can not win the war for her long term future, but rather negoitate treaties from a "beaten people" stance, in the short term, like for when she'll be home, etc.

You could even try to sober her up by saying "Let's sit down and map out a plan about where you'll be living, and how you'll be paying your bills when you're 18"

Thanks for your story. It's the scares the b-jesus out of the rest of us parents.

Answer 9

I was in this situation, but in the boyfriends perspective. I was 23 and dating a 16-17 year old. I made it a point to her that she needed to listen to her mom's rules, and I abided by them myself. I respected her mom for allowing her to date me, and, in turn I expected my girlfriend at the time to respect her. I don't think it would be a bad idea to have a talk with the boyfriend. Be honest with him and try to find ways of compromise with both of them. 11 O'clock is a good curfew, depending on the occasion. When I was growing up at home I had to be in by 10 pm or the doors were dead bolted and I had to find another place to crash; which i am sure in her situation she wouldn't mind since she would rather stay with her boyfriend. so no deadbolt.... But, on a serious note, open communication with both your daughter and her boyfriend is a must. If they can't seem to adhere to the rules set forth, then punishment is needed for both of them and that is isolation from each other. Or that they can only see each other in your home. She is at an age where she has to learn responsibilities and needs space from her family. Does she have a job? Summer time is a great time to learn first hand what it is about to be an adult. If she doesnt learn responsibilities with a job at an early age then it could be hard for her when she is an adult. Any way I have said my peice. I could go on and on about how I would raise a child, but, it is not my place to tell you how to raise yours. Good luck, and always remember Communication is Key.
Jeremy

Answer 10

She's still a teenager, and I think letting her date a 23-year old guy is a bit much. He's obviously influencing her thoughts in some way, causing her rebellion. You may have gone too far now, though; it may be difficult to tell her she can't see him anymore when you've already said yes. I think the curfew is fine. Did you try talking to the boyfriend, maybe ask him what his thoughts are? It may be a bit intrusive, but she is your daughter. She needs to know there is more to life than a boyfriend.

Answer 11

Don' t be so sure she's not having sex with him. You don't know that unless your with them all the time. As a mother myself I would not tolerate her disrespectful behavior. Take something from her that she really enjoys, and keep doing it until you get the respect you deserve!! Personally her curfew is a little early, but i would not extend it until she shows you she can act responsibly. I;m curious about why a 23 yr old finds your daughter so interesting. Is he looking for someone he can control?