How will I ever be a good mother if I can't even find the patience to raise my boyfriend's 6 yr old daughter?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and during that time I kept hoping my tolerance and patience would increase as I "fell-in" to parenting his daughter who lives with us half the year. She's a good kid but is slightly ADD which causes her to be spacey and pessamistic about herself, all which frustrates me excessively. I was raised to be very independent and responsible and want to raise my own kids with these values. I've always wanted children of my own and was planning on having some after getting married next year. Now I'm scared to death that I'll be the short-fuse parent that all kids avoid. I never take out my emotions on her but I have complete meltdowns alone every few weeks and feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't fall apart for the rest of my life and be happy. Is having your own kids easier, does it ever get better?

Answer 1

It is easier with your "OWN" child. With your boyfriends daughter you are walking on eggshells, because she isn't really "YOURS" and you are limited in what you can do (even moreso, mentally). When you experience the whole motherhood experience, you will be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually connected to your child. I think you are trying too hard with this little girl, just chill out, take it slowly, get to know her. It is possible to love her, but she needs to love you as well in order for her to trust you. Take your time and be patient. Also pray,,,, a lot,, even natural children can test you patience every once in a while. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

Answer 2

This problem has many layers........the fact that she isn't your child is part of the problem....I am not saying that you don't love her....but you don't have that "mother's love" for her. You have not had the daily input in her life from day one, so she has not been raised the same way you were or the way you hope to raise you children. You said she lives with you half the year.....POOR kid! Can you fathom having to do this? No matter how well mom and dad communicate (you didn't say how that relationship is) there are differences between the two houses. The rules are different, the expectations are different, the food is different.....everything is different.....that in it's self must be a bit confusing for the girl. You say she is "spacey"....once again, it must be confusing going from one home to another.....how does that work? Does she move week to week? Month to month? Does she visit the other parent when she is "living" with the other? I am not knocking the arrangements your boyfriend and the mother have.....I just know I wouldn't want to live this way. You say she is "pessimistic about herself".....the only thing I can offer you here is to point out the good EVERY TIME she starts in with the negative. I have a child I baby-sit.......there are actually three of them, and he would find the bad in everything he did......now has he totally changed? Nah, but he is better. I praise the heck out of him....sometimes I have to pull something positive out of him and the fact is....some people are just this way....not a thing you can do about it.

The fact that you are asking this question......should prove to you that you are not that parent every kid runs from. you will be okay. maybe it's time to think about how hard HER situation is.

Answer 3

Nothing that is worth doing forever is easy!! No two kids is alike. One may be easy to lead and the next will have you running in circles.
You said slightly ADD, spacey and pessimistic.. sounds like she may be medicated? Anyway, the ADD label is a downer to kids. My youngest (now 26) beat herself up regularly over the ADD label. and struggled with depression from 5th grade to 11th. The best thing I ever learned in communicationg with her was to whisper or quieten my voice with her and to make only two requests at a time. Don't waste words by lecturing as you will lose her attention by the second sentence. All she will hear is " Waaa.... waaaa,,,,, waaaa like bad speaker feedback. Wasted sentences are those which start with "How many times have I told you...".

Some people are independent by nature, others are more dependent and still need to feel that they are ok in theri own right.
Take a course in parenting, there should be several available to you in any state in this great country. Then take a course with her in some creative activity so you have an actual link in common for example, train a pet, learn to do an art, marshall arts classes, acting classes,...
As for the comment " that you always wanted children of my own" maybe she can sense you do not accept her as your own. You may have been raised to be independent, but a 6 year old is not yet raised. Acquiring the skills to be independent will come as she begins to use the things she learns from you, her father, her mother, etc. Lighten up a bit, both on yourself and on this little girl.

Answer 4

First off, good for you for reaching out and asking this question. Second, get some counseling and learn about having a mixed family. It's never the same as starting your own and you will find that you feel differently about your own kids. It just happens that way. A couple of things you must remember about this child. One: She has no control over her emotions, remind yourself of that when you get frustrated. Two: You need to be her friend before you can be her parent. You didn't bring her into this world and you will have to walk a careful path to keep this kids respect. You also have to make sure that you and her Dad are always on the same page as a parenting TEAM. If you aren't, you will have alot of problems. Don't fret so much, you just have some new techniques to learn, you can learn them and you can apply them. Best of luck to you in this endeavor.

Answer 5

It is never easy to try and parent someone Elses child--and I'm not sure you should. I'm assuming she has a mother? Your bf should parent her, not you. I am not all that fond of others children, myself. And yes, I actually felt much differently about my own kids--love them to pieces. But easy? Nope. Raising kids isn't easy at all. If you meltdown frequently, you might consider that you are depressed or something along those lines. I have found that antidepressants even me out so I don't get the screaming mimi's! Go see your doctor and see what's up. There's nothing worse than feeling like you do now and thinking that it will never get better. It can--take thee to the therapist! And good luck.

Answer 6

Coming from a person with kids of their own and step-kids . It's a whole different ball game when they are yours you decided how they are raised and instill in them the things you want. You didn't mention how old the child is but unless it is older and just trying to get to you i don't see how that would make a difference. You may be like me i do not like kids but i love my own and am a very good mother to them my step kids i try my best with but I'm lacking in parenting skills with them for they aren't mine and i don't feel it's my place to make them mind or do anything else. So don't let the bf's kid get to you I'm sure you will be a great mother

Answer 7

It's always hard to be the "stepmom". I seen an episode of a situation like this on Dr. Phil. He advised that when a step parent come into a child's life after the age of 3, that child has more of a tendency to rebel. The primary role model and disciplinarian has to be from her biological parent (dad) and not you. Your role is to only support his effort as her parent. It is too late in the child's life for a new person to step in to instill new values...if you have any new ideas or thoughts, share them with your boyfriend and have him explain and enforce it with her. If you try to do it, she will rebel because you are not her mother and she do not see you as a authority figure.

Lastly, it is always different when you finally have your own children because you have a bond and love for your own that you may not share fully with your stepdaughter. Just the fact that you question your own motherhood tells me you want to be a good mom. Give yourself more credit.

Answer 8

Raising someone else's kids can be hard - probably harder than raising your own. The fact that you don't have her full time makes it harder, because everything you try to instill in her probably gets thrown out the window when she's with her mom.
Talk to your fiance about how you feel - be honest with him. You need to talk about your feelings so you don't feel frustrated and feel like you are going to meltdown.
Just because you are having a tough time with your step daughter doesn't mean you will be a bad parent. There is a huge difference when you will have your kids full time from the day they are born and are able to raise them your way - then when you are dealing with someone else's child and raising them half time.

Answer 9

I don't know if having your own kid will be easier as I am a kid myself but maybe you should relax like at the end of every week. When you get mad or something go into your room till you cool down. My brother has ADHD which I think is ADD, just a diffrent version. He keeps quiet when he has something to do with his hands. So maybe get her some puzzles and those rubix cubes. Maybe a game for a playstation or something because that keeps my brother quiet for some hours.

Answer 10

Hello there sweetheart!!!!! Raising a child aint easy.... I married 18 and at the age of 24 I already have 3kids.... that's fast huh...

Anyways, you don't have to be so strict with the child because she has her own world and personality.... parents are there to guide children until they grow up and have they're own lives...

You may think that she's being stubborn sometimes but it's up to your boyfriend to discipline if you can't talk to her...

Raising a child does not mean you want her to be this and that,
you're only there to guide, nurture, and love... Ofcourse discipline her in a nice way with the help of her dad....